Need advise...financial support question

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2005
Need advise...financial support question
4
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 2:48pm

About 6 months ago my husband decided he wasn't sure if he wanted to be married anymore. He says it's nothing I have done, I've been a great wife and and great mother but he doesn't have the same feelings for me that he use to and doesn't know what he wants. He's mentioned separation on a few occasions and has even spent some nights away from home. He says he needs some time away to "think" but I've told him we can't afford for him to get his own apartment and he refuses to move in with someone on a temporary basis. He's told me he knows what he is doing is wrong and that he's sorry, but he feels like he's in a place right now that he can't get out of (even though I don't see him really trying to work on it). Anyway, I'm trying to start preparing myself for the possibility of separation and possibly divorce. We've discussed finances, the children, things like that and he says that he will take care of us, that he doesn't want to screw me over and wants the best for the kids. If you've read past posts of mine, you know I don't want to separate or get divorced, but if he's not willing to work on the marriage, then we can't keep living like we are living. So, this is what I'm thinking...

My husband is the major bread winner in the family. I currently work part-time and since this has all started I have been looking for full-time employment. I have a bachelor's degree in Psychology, but if any of you know the feild of social work, even full-time employment doesn't pay that much, not even considering that I haven't held a full-time job since our son was born 4 years ago. Anyway, I'm thinking of seeing if he would consider selling the house we are currently in and buying together something smaller and cheaper. That way he can afford to get an apartment to "figure things out" and the kids and I could be stable in a home. Then, if he gets his sh$t together and starts working on us instead of himself we can all just live in that house, if not, then the kids and my life really wouldn't change that much. If we get divorced, then house would be turned over to me (most of the equity in this house is mine anyway). We could live like we were divorced without actually signing the papers until that point comes. He and I would both know in advance what kind of financial support the kids and I needed and what his life would be like without us. Plus, I feel it would also put me in a position of being stronger and more confident about my future. It scares me to think my kids and I will have to give up everything we know, move from a neighborhood we love, because my husband just changed his mind one day.

Is this even sensible? My husband says he doesn't care about the money and will give us whatever we need. I'm not trying to screw him, I feel I'm being very fair as far as what I'm asking and have put the numbers in front of him for him to see and even change if he wanted. He says, even though it was more than he was thinking, he sees that if we are going to stay in the same neighborhood, the same school system (what we picked out for our kids when we moved here), then that's what he needs to do. It will mean him having to budget and live very frugally, but it will be the same for us. Both our children are in daycare and as we all know, two kids in daycare full-time almost takes all the money a second income would bring in. My only fear is that what if he stops wanting to contribute what we need to stay there? We can't afford to own any house without his support, not where we currently are. When we got married we dreamed of owning a home in a nice neighborhood, with a good school system, having a yard for the kids to play in, room to grow if we needed. That's what we have. If he decides one day, like he's decided one day that he didn't want to be married anymore, where will that leave the kids and I. Stuck in an apartment, in a bad neighborhood, trying to get by on my small income, nothing like what we had dreamed for our children. And why? Because he just changed his mind.

How do people do this? It's all so overwhelming.

Any advise helpful,

Susan

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2006
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 3:19pm

Sorry, Susan! I don't have any advice but I can offer you support. I have heard the exact same song and dance from my stbx. Makes me wonder, if you have a great wife who is also a great mother to your kids how does getting rid of her make you happier about who you are? Isn't that the kind of person you work to be with? I think divorce is just to easy these days. You don't have to work at it....just say I can't be with you anymore because of me and that's the end. No explination, no effort to make it better. Hugs!

Amber

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2005
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 3:42pm

Thanks Amber. We really do seem to have similar situations. Hugs to you too.

Susan

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2006
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 4:16pm
You mentioned a bachelor's degree. You should be able to support the kids and yourself without him. I don't know how many children you have, but you, whether you realize it or not, are more than capable of supporting yourself and your children. Sometimes people have to make many sacrifices in order to get on with their lives. Ultimately, the descision is yours - you can stay or go. But just for myself, I have 19 college credits under my belt and one nine year old son to support (my stbx does not pay child support, not yet anyway) and have to work two jobs to support us - but I do it. You can too. The biggest issue with you and your husband it sounds like is you are kind of waiting to see what he wants. Be prepared - if need be - to be a single mother. I had to move myself and my son out of state when me and his father separated, my son had to switch schools, make new friends and whatnot, I have to get used to living with my family temporarily (and it is NOT easy) - but it's stuff that has to be done. You can do it too. I do hope the best for you and your family, but it's always best to be prepared for the worst, just in case. You have a hand up with that degree you earned. Don't think you can't go far with it because you can - farther than you realize at the moment. Once again, good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 6:25pm

Hi Susan.... sorry you find yourself here.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~