Need to break this cycle but how....anyone else have this problem????

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2011
Need to break this cycle but how....anyone else have this problem????
10
Thu, 10-20-2011 - 3:56pm
Hi everyone! I'm new here....need some input and advice....every since I told my stbxh the fact that papers on on their way he's all nice and mopey and clearly does not want the divorce. I tried about 3 years ago to end things...we went through counseling...but history keeps repeating itself. I just want out. I want a fresh start...I'm in a loveless sexless marriage and I know it's time to move. My kids have been subjected to enough unhealthy toxic relationship interactions between my stbxh and I. The papers will be ready to be served this week or beginning of next. I am sure his tune will change then. I need to stop second guesing myself. I know I am not heartless and I keep feeling sorry for him. I can't stay out of guilt again...otherwise I will be miserable. We are two different people and we need to go our separate ways. I hate the wavering in my mind and the second guessing. The fears of starting over and surviving financially have me feeling this way. Anyone else feel this way or can offer any insight? I'd greatly appreciate...thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2011

Hi there, I am in the same situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2011
Thank you for your kind response. I need to be strong...stay strong and stay focused. I hatecthat I am breaking our family unit apart, but I can't bear ot keep "putting up with things" for the sake of the kids. There's a saying (I forget where it originated) that children are better off coming from a broken home rather than being in one. I can't keep staying because it's financially more comfortable....everyone has a breaking point and I think I have reached mine. I know that he'll change for while but before I know it things will return to the same controlling overbearing conditional love based crap as it was before. I hate to cause anyone pain but i also need to start looking out for myself too! I know it will be hard at first and he'll try his best ot guilt me into staying but I can't fall back into that again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2011
Yes you do need to be strong, and the fact that you recognize that you need to change things, proves you can be strong!! Your kids deserve the best and happiest mom, and in order for that to happen, you need to leave a toxic environment and think of your NEEDS first. Your kids will be fine as long as they know you love them. It is a hard decision, and it took me awhile and alot of tears, but I actually feel a sense of relief now. Make sure you take advantage of any friends and family that want to help, they will make you feel good and they will provide support where needed. :-)
Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004

Hi,

You need no further "proof" that he doesn't change for good. So pay attention to the history, i.e. he "shapes up" when you threaten or when you file, and then waits for you to cave in and come back. You do, and then goes right back to what he was before, because he hasn't been proven wrong yet.

If you don't cave in this time and really go forward with your plans to divorce, he'll try other tactics. Perhaps threats or other stupid things. That's just the same tactics in a different form. You'll have to be strong to disregard those as well.

The best thing you can have right now is a plan. What is your plan for your life? Other than leaving your marriage what is it you want from life? Do you have goals? Do you have deadlines? Do you have a plan? If not, better get one. Leaving might give you breathing space but you won't be able to address your true needs without knowing what those are and how to get the life you want.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2011
Yes today he gave me the whole please give me one more chance to save this. I never followed through before but I will this time. I said the papers are drawn and you are going to be served Monday or Tuesday. He went as far as going to see my Dad (I lost my mom this past December :-() and my Dad told him everyone has a breaking point and she's reached hers. He's like but I love her blah blah blah...I don't want to lose her. I honestly do not have any feelings for him anymore. I care for him as a person but that's it. I am not in love with him and I don't want to keep going back and letting history repeat itself. I do not think anything he says or does can change my mind. He swears up and down that he will make it count this time...see it through. He wants to save this marriage and needs me to give him one more chance. My heart says no but my head is like hmmmmm. As for a plan...I plan on continuing to find myself again...find someone else who will love me and make me feel special..I plan on making my boys see that their mommy can laugh be happy and smile...I want to show them a healthy relationship..not a toxic one..I want to be me..I want to be free. I want to feel important..loved...cherished and honored...like my opinion matters. And then take it from there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2008

I feel u girl!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2011
This is so hard. We had yet another long discussion about things. He claims that he still loves me and wants to do everything in his power to save our marriage. I said at this point (after hours of talking) that I do not see or hear anything that convinces me to give you another chance...to put my heart on the line again! He did mention he knows I could use a new car....that is so tempting cause it would be really nice. It's so sad that it takes me having to be this serious to have I'm want to do the things he should have been doing all along. He said he knows what he needs to do and is willing to do it. I said I don't trust your words anymore. He said please just think about it. My papers should be ready for serving by today or tomorrow and I told him that...I said you will not stop this process. The bottom line is while I would love to believe that he can change is it enough...can I ever get feelings back for him??? Because I do not have any feelings for him at all and I am not sexually attracted to him. Any thoughts....anyone??? Thanks to all who replied by the way!!!!! :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2011
Update: I was able to successfully serve him on Tuesday. He signed for the complaint so I didn't have to get a sheriff to serve him. I brought the signed copy of the complaint to my attorney and now the ball is officially rolling. I spoke to stbx yesterday and I got the whole "I don't want this! I can save this...we can work this out!, etc". I told him there are no more chances and my decision has been made. He is like you are going to destroy the kids!!! I said no if this is handled in the most calm rational way possible we can all come put of this okay. For someone who was so eager to fix this he has done nothing but talk! I have seen no real action. If it were me I would have been on the phone making my counseling appointment first thing Monday morning to show the other spouse i was serious. He has not. And now that the papers have been signed the tune has changed again. He's all mopey and acting so dramatic. I said I need you to pull it together for the else of the kids (our one son was so taken aback by his heavy sighing and long face he's like daddy what's wrong with you???) I said pull yourself together around them....it's only going to make it worse. If I can do it (and I have been for a very long time) then you can!!!! I told him that too much time has passed and feelings are gone. You can get them back....I said NO I can't....I've been trying for years but you just can't make yourself feel something you just don't. I am pushing past the guilt of not having any feelings for him so I can move forward. I sense I will have his resistance all the way. I have moved him into our finished basement and it's making a statement that I am serious about this. He will have to accept that this IS happening. No one likes it but the damage is done and it's time to move on!!!!!!
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
I can relate.

Sounds like you are doing the right thing. For it is worth, what I told myself is that I was wrong, and he did eventually change over the years, we could always get remarried.

That revelation took a big load off of my shoulders. Good luck and keep up the good work!
Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2011
So you did divorce...only to remarry him????