need fast advice please
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need fast advice please
| Mon, 02-05-2007 - 5:47pm |
Hello, I am totally confused right now. Hope you gals can help out. My stbx and I have been seperated since June, we have three wonderful kids (3,4, 7) I am going to court tomorrow morning. I am having this last minute panic of what am I doing. The main issue all along has been that he doesn't want to grow up and make our kids a priority. I have had a long trip the past few months from getting no finacial help from him (I am getting child support now) to him being in fights, showing up drunk at my door many times. He is living in a basement right now and hasn't taken the kids in 7 weeks. He is telling me he gets it now and wants our family to work. He has been looking for a new place for about a month but hasn't found anything he likes. I am trying really hard to figure out if I should drag this divorce out and see if he means it this time, or just be done. His words seem right but his action don't really match up. Is this last minute doubt normal, how do I get past it, do I just wait and see? Thanks so much.

I say.... if you got to where you are right now... keep going.
There's no reason he couldn't have "seen the light" all the many times that you gave him chances... and whil it's dandy that he sees it now.... it's desperation time, and it just wouldn't ever feel right (there would be resentments---you'd hate him for pushing you that far--he'd resent you for "making him change" etc.).
My opinion (however small it is) is that... there is life after divorce.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Hmm... my divorce isn't final so I have no advice based on experience. So I guess all I can offer you is this:
What happens if you go back to him and things haven't changed? How would you feel? What would you do? How would it impact the kids?
What are the chances that he really does "get it"? If he does, will it be for the sake of long term change?
Does finalizing the divorce prevent the 2 of you from reconciling in the future if he really has changed?
How difficult or costly would it be to "drag out" the legal proceedings?
It seems like all you can do is weigh the checks and balances and make a decision from that. I wouldn't want to see you make a decision that you regret on either side of the coin. Sorry I can't be of more help.
Well, I just got off the phone with my husband asking him how much more time he feels he "needs" before we file for divorce. He won't work on things, but he doesn't want a divorce. He moved out in August and we have 3 children.
I told him if he is not willing to go for marriage counseling to see what direction this could go in, I was done. Well, he won't go and I am planning on filing in May (health benefits stuff.....) Anyway, I know a lot of people don't like ultimatums, but would he commit to marriage counseling for the next few months? His answer might tell you a lot...
Also ask yourself, do you really want him back? Do you just feel bad for him? What is going to be best for you and your kids? If you are really meant to work it out, divorced or not, you will................
In my state you cannot divorce until separated one year. Could you formally separate (have a separation agreement with all support/custody details) and see how it goes and then file for divorce a bit later?
Here we separate under a separation agreement which, when the year is up, becomes the divorce decree. The court doesn't do anything but rubber stamp the agreement the stbx spouses came up with.
Just a thought -- legally separate and divorce when ready.
M
I can only speak from my personal experience.
When I filed for divorce the first time from my ex (yes, I didn't go through with it the first time) we were able to file conciliation papers that extended the court proceedings six months. After that, we had to make a decision - to progress with the divorce or not. Foolishly, we did not. The ex slipped back into his old ways very shortly thereafter (actually, he slipped back into his old ways during our separation, but I put on blinders and chose not to see the red flags). I filed for divorce a second time a little less than two years after the first filing date.
I know there are some people that can probably go to the brink of divorce and get back together and have a decent marriage, but I honestly think those cases are very few and far in between. By not going through with the divorce the first time, I wasted precious years of happiness. However, by waiting, I did have the opportunity to reconnect with a friend who is now my H, and I couldn't be happier!