Need a HARD push!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Need a HARD push!
4
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 9:50am

Hi, I have been lurking here for a few weeks and everything I am reading fits me too. The biggest difference is that I've stayed in this loveless marriage for over 30 years. We were never blessed with kids, so that should make my decision that much easier, but I am terrified of the future, if I leave. My biggest concern is insurance because I am disabled and if I leave, will I lose his insurance/medical coverage?


I have been verbally and emotionally assaulted for so long that I don't feel like I can make it on my own...familiar story here, isn't it? My H retired a few years ago and that was when things really hit the fan. When we were both working, I guess I had some 'say' in things, but since he has been home, he has become more and more controlling. I am constantly told that I need to cut back on my spending, but he can buy whatever he chooses.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2005
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 12:07pm

I just finished reading this book, "Why Does He Do That? : Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men". It is a great resource and explains a lot of things.


Here's a link to Amazon if you are interested: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0425191656/qid=1128960180/sr=8-1/ref=pd_bbs_1/103-9447574-7975060?v=glance&s=books&n=507846.


curvygirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 2:52pm

I am sooo glad you put the money from your mother away in a separate account! Well, you are already seeing a therapist, which would have been my first suggestion to you. Are you aware that what he is doing to you is abuse? He's verbally/mentally/emotionally abusing you. He witholds money, he demeans you, he tries to scare you by throwing things in anger. B/c of this marriage counselling is a BAD idea! Abusers will turn everything around on their victims and if the counselor hasn't been trained in domestic abuse then he/she will often side with the abuser b/c an abuser can be very convincing.


Personally, I suggest you leave. Not having children does not make this decision any easier, but, you're going to have to make one at some point. Do you stay with this man and put up with him for the rest of your life or do you move on and live your life to the fullest and perhaps find someone who loves and respects you? The decision is up to you, but, the logical answer is pretty obvious. Good luck to you and I hope you stick around the board. *hugs*


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 8:27pm

Thank you SO much for the book recommendation. I went to a local bookstore and got it and from the little bit I've already read, I think it will be helpful to me.


Another book that I read, before I decided to see a counselor is called "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 8:38pm

Thank you for your thoughts Samantha. I am having a hard time using the word ABUSE because it is 'invisible'. The scars I have are not seen by family and friends and like you described, people would never guess what he is like to me. He is the smart, funny guy that everyone likes and tells me how lucky I am to have...he is very good at hiding behind his facade of being the loving, caring spouse.


I agree that unless it was a counselor trained to handle this type of abuse, he would be a master at turning things around and making everything my fault, just like he does behind closed doors.


I will check in when I can. I AM getting stronger in some respects. When he retired and hogged the computer and messed it up, I refused to touch it for 5-6 months, until he agreed that I