Need help about school issue...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Need help about school issue...
7
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 10:53am

Hi all,

I know it's been a while. I've been busy working on my fixer upper. I really need some good sound aproaches in dealing with ex without going to court. My oldest DD is going into 6th grade this year and will be riding the high school run. My problem is that ex has a bad habit of getting the girlsto school late. He moved out of the district this past march and thinks he can get them to school on time. I have documentation of each time they were late to school from the attendance office. it was somewhere around 30-40 times this past year.(it's not in front of me right now)

My DD asked if I could keep it out of court and hopefully work something out with ex. Both girls want to stay with me so they aren't late. In the middle school if you are late to many times the child gets detention. I don't want to see her punished for something she can't control.

As it stands right now we have 50/50 custody. If anyone has any ideas that I can present it to him so that he still can maintain the feeling of 50/50, I would really appreciate it. I really don't want to fight him just be able to come to a compromise for the sake of the girls.

Thanks in advance for any thoughts.
K:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 5:39pm

Weren't you taken to court? In our district 3 tardies equals 1 absence. After 6 unexcused absences a warning letter goes out after 1 more the truant officer visits the house and then it is court. Parents are fined and reported if the court feels it is appropriate. Also 14 days unexcused here equals summer school or retention.

I would really step carefully in this area of doing any kind of covering up for him on this issue. I will tell you as a teacher it is a real pain in the XXX when students are late consistently.

Tina

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 10:10pm

I'm not sure I understand your response. I am in no way covering up for him. The school really does try to be compassionate in the area of divorced parents. They don't want to make things harder for the kids, after all them getting to school late is bad enough. They start taking more action when they move up to the middle school level. Most of the time he is getting them there 1-10 min. late. Believe me I do not encourage this. I have been trying to get the school to help me enforce this with him. Before he moved we even lived on the same school bus route. He still drove them to school late instead of riding the bus.

I am listed as primary resident for the purpose of schooling. I know I could easily go to court and force the issue,but how does that really help my children if the only way to communicate with their father is through court. I want to use that as my last resort. I would really like to come up with a schedule that would bring them to my house to sleep after they have spent time with him. I've never had them late for school and that can be proven.

They don't like the fighting and neither do I. I end up getting physically ill if I have to be confrontational. I don't need it and neither do my children. There is no cover up here. The school knows the situation and are trying to help the best they can. That is why they send me a copy of the tardy times. If I need to use it I can. I just need some advice on how to approach him without causing him to fly off the handle.

K:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 10:32pm

Wow, this is

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 5:12am

What one poster is talking about here is something that would be specific to her state. Each state has different laws regarding school attendance. Do you know what they are in your state? It's important to know since this can make all the difference for your dds. The least that most states have is a fine for having your child miss x amount of days or being tardy x amount of days. Then, there are states that have the courts involved if the child misses so much school. If it's a fine, most states just don't follow through on it. If it involves the courts, you would likely have already heard about it from all of last year's tardies.

Anyway, the point is, find out what the laws are. Work those in your favor toward getting x to get them to school on time. Then, it's not you, it's the law! Definitely ask an administrator to give x a phone call about the laws regarding tardies and absences. Absolutely ask that a letter be sent to him stating what the laws are. Also, ask the administrator to explain that the detentions are logged in your dds permanent record. These are records that follow her for the rest of her life. If she wants a government job, her having a "behavior" log could keep her from getting that job. Now, just so you know, not that you want him to LOL, FERPA, the law regarding school records, will allow you to place a letter into her permanent file to explain the situation. Then, any time those records are released per your dd's permission as an adult or your's before she's an adult, that letter MUST be included. There is also a way to ask that her records be changed. (IF it were to come down to that, I can tell you how to do it. I'm a special education advocate. This is part of what I do for a living, work with the education laws including FERPA.)

As far as changing his mind, using the laws may help to do that. I would also suggest that IF he is not the one who is picking dd up after detention, he should be! Make it a point. If she has to miss time doing something else, so should he even if it means leaving work to do so.

Hope this helps!

Steph

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 8:59am

Thanks,

Your first response might work for a little while. The second one no way. I tried counseling with him for the sake of the kids. It was court ordered. He took it as something to get us back together. He is actually capable of getting them to school on time.(Only until there is a court date though) I had a court date scheduled for two weeks after school started and he was able to get them to school on time for those two weeks just to say he was doing what he should. This late thing is nothing new to him. Even when we were married he was late for things.

One time my SD was having her senior recognition night in which he was supposed to walk her onto the feild and he was late. He had to where his suit over top of his work clothes.I had to meet him at the feild with it.

This is all just so frustrating. I would really like to start out with him letting them stay with me for the first couple of weeks. This will be the first year dd will have to change classes and that is hard enough to cope with. Then maybe after that ease into him taking them with the condition that if he is late once they stay with me overnight during the whole school year.

You know he even tried to tell my mom he wants to home school them. Not in my life time. Not that I have anything against it, but you have to be diciplined to do that. That is something he is definately NOT. Sorry for the rant ,thanks again.

K:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 9:11am

I'm not sure what all the laws are in my state. I do know that him being out of the school district could have a major impact on him.If the school wanted to force the issue they could make him pay tuition for half of the school year. I think with 2 kids that would run about 30 grand.

Both of them were in the grade school last year and only the youngest will still be there.
Like I've said before, the school tries to not make the situation more complicated for the kids however when they move up in grades the school becomes more involved. I was already given the list of what would happen if she keeps coming late. I have orientation on the 16th for the middle school. I will be able to talk to her guidence counseler then and who ever else I need to. I'm not afraid to let them know he's out of the district. After all it would just be the school enforcing their policy.

Thanks,
K:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 4:31pm

Chances are that that list that they gave you is what the laws are in your state. Did he get a copy of that mailed to him? If not, you might want to make sure he gets it.

As for him living out of district, what is your dds *legal* address? This would most likely be the first address given on their permanent records. If their legal address is with you since they are registered in your district, it won't matter whether he lives out of district or not. (Unless your state is different than those that I've worked with- about 27 of them.) I'm not sure that that would be a ploy that would work. Darn it! Certainly don't be afraid to try it, though!!

Let me know if I can help!

Steph

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