Need Help Dealing During Pre-Divorce
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|Tue, 06-04-2013 - 4:48pm|
I haven't been active on the boards for awhile, but I'm finding myself in need of some opinions/guidance. Thank you for reading in advance.
My quick history: My husband and I have recently decided it is time for a divorce. The main reason is that he's had several EAs and one full-on A, and I do not feel I can be married to him any longer. We have agreed to make it as civil as possible - but due to financial reasons, are unable to move forward (and him out) as quickly as we'd like. We'll be living together for the next couple of months until everything is taken care of, and then will proceed with an Uncontested Divorce, without attorneys or mediation. There are no children/property/etc. to be concerned with as far as this goes, nor am I pursuing any alimony.
We were friends for several years before we started dating and would like to continue that friendship as best we can after the divorce. We both do care about each other, but the trust and romantic part of our relationship is gone. We set up some boundaries to make the living arrangement as easy as possible - one of which is we will be honest with each other about everything. I also requested (and he agreed) that while we are still legally married, neither of us pursue another romantic relationship, out of respect for each other. We also agreed not to tell our families and friends (other than very close ones) about the divorce until the time when he moves out and the divorce is in process. We each have a close friend (that the other knows about) who we have told about the situation, as we both find it impossible to deal with alone.
The issue I am currently dealing with is this: he is hiding things from me again. Namely, a female "friend" that he talks and texts regularly and has gone out with more than once with a small group of friends (they've supposedly never been out just the two of them). I found out about it recently by sheer chance (not by snooping), and I was once again hurt and devastated. This was going on long before he and I had the "divorce talk" and he continued to hide it after the talk, because - as he puts it - he was "fearful of how I would react".
I am not and have never been a jealous or angry person. I have no problem with him having friends or socializing with coworkers. I know most of his friends and he knows mine. I have never blown up at him for anything he's been honest with me about (of course I have blown up when I found out on my own - i.e. his affairs). I am feeling at my wit's end with this - and he doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with his behavior.
I guess my question is - am I overreacting about this? Even though we agreed not to keep secrets, is it okay that he has friends (and goes out with friends) I don't know about? I realize it's neither here nor there with regards to our marriage, but he has a history of this behavior (heck, it's the reason we are getting a divorce!), and I'm not sure I can really have a "friendship" with him after we are officially separated. I have no choice but to deal with him for the next few months, and I have no other options as far as moving out - so I'd really appreciate opinions on how to deal with this for the time being.