Need Help FAST!!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
Need Help FAST!!!!!!!!!
12
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 10:33am
Hello,
I've posted here a few times, but I would like some insight on my marriage. I'm 25 and my dh is 30 we've been married 5yrs. Before we married we lived together 2yrs and we talked about everything to where we would live to building a house to children. We always said we wanted one child and we wanted to wait until we could pay our cars and a few other bills off first. It's been 7yrs and still nothing. I'm ready, we have went as far as picking out names, to buying a 4-dr car. Everytime I bring it up he wants to wait. His family tells me he never wanted kids and everytime he gets a little well drunk he says he don't want kids and we fight about it. I told him he should have been honest with me from day one. Then when he is sober he says we don't need that right now. My husband is immature well lets say he likes his no responsibility lifestyle. What would you do? Would you leave him? Would you not have a baby, even though you really really want one, b/c he doesn't? He always told me he wanted a baby girl, Savannah Dawn, she would have the same intials as me, and if a boy Donald Chase, after his dad, and that would be the same initals as him. What would you all do?? Please help me I'm so confused!! His family has always told him his nerves cant' handle kids, b/c 2-3 kids running around gets on his nerves, Well mine to but I can handle one and that's what i've always wanted he knew this before we got married.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 10:48am
Have you been to marriage counselling? Counselling might help you figure out whether this is just an issue of him needing some more time or whether he truly doesn't want children. If he doesn't want children and you do, well if I were in your shoes I would rather not have a child with a man who doesn't really want to be a father.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 10:58am
He would never go to therapy. Why would he talk to me about it? Do you think he is just afraid of the responsibility? Should I leave him??
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 11:22am

I think it's time you look at what YOU want.


You want children and he doesn't. That's a problem. The marriage was based on false pretences if you say he knew you wanted kids.


I gotta tell you, I believe that something should be done. It's very easy to say counceling is the answer but if it is written in stone with him DO NOT give it another thought. You don't have to divorce him, just sit him down and tell him, look, I want kids, you knew that, what changed? If he loves you, he will tell you the truth. Use that conversation as ammo for reasons to leave or not to leave.


Hugs to you,


Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 11:38am

Thank you, I shouldn't do it anyway though, right?

Stacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 11:56am

File for divorce? no, talk to him first.


Hugs,


Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 12:14pm
I suggested therapy because it doesn't sound like you two have been effectively communicating about this, but if he won't go to therapy, I think you should sit down with him and ask him some tough questions. What you really need to know is whether he doesn't want to have kids *now* or whether he doesn't want to have kids *period*. And if he says he does not want kids now, you need to know why not now. Does he have some specific things he'd like to accomplish in the next year or two (paying down debt, or doing a few carefree things that you won't be able to do as easily with children). Or is him saying I do but not now just a delaying tactic. Once you have his answers, you have to decide what you need to do. Do you believe that by waiting a year or two you'll be back on the same page, or do you believe he's just trying to buy himself some time and then he'll want to delay again. If he won't sit down and talk to you about this, then I think that's telling you that he's not making any promises about wanting to have children at all. Then you need to ask yourself whether you want and need to have a child, or could you be happy in this marriage without a child. (It sounds like you've already figured that out, but sometimes we think we want something because it's expected of us by family/society, and when we take a good look at ourselves we realize we don't want/need what's expected of us).
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 1:18pm
Well said! I agree with sang.

Avatar for somewhereintx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 1:28pm

I had to jump in on this one. If you are talking about just going ahead and getting pregnant, I would strongly advise some thought on this one. Having a child with someone affects the rest of your life, whether you are with them or not. Courts firmly protect father's rights, even those of fathers who never should have been fathers.

If you have a child with him and later divorce, you are stuck in one place pretty much forever. Most divorce decrees involving children have a clause preventing you from moving more than a certain distance from the NCP. Even those that don't still require you to seek permission from the father before moving. So you also need to consider your future. If you have a child with H, later divorce and meet someone else, what if your new husband gets transferred for work? You and the child may be restricted from moving away.

I have full legal and physical custody of my DD and still had to jump through hoops with the court to get permission to move since Ex wouldn't let me. It cost me a fortune to do and thankfully I was able to. If you share custody, it could be even stickier than my situation. He shares in each decision that is made regarding the child. One woman I know was getting her child treated for a medical problem and the ex disagreed with the treatment. They had to fight it out in court.

Think long and hard before you just do it. He has rights too even if he wasn't invovled in the choice to have a child.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 2:02pm
Thanks for all your help I'm not saying just do it. I'm saying should I file for divorce over this? Or should I change my way of thinking just for him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 2:07pm

Agreeing wholeheartedly with somewhereintx. Stacy, we were 26 and 31 when my husband of 2 years told me "maybe we'll never have kids." He had promised before we married, same story. I made up my mind to clear up the question with him and likely divorce him if he said a firm no. I wanted kids, we were having trouble anyway, and he had either deceived me or just chosen to alter our lives single-handedly. In the end an "accidental" pregnancy (orchestrated mostly by him....) made up our minds for us. That was not the way. Now we're divorced anyway and have two children in the mix.

As long as you're together and he isn't willing, make sure it doesn't happen for your sake. His trying to make decisions solo that affect both of your lives in such a big, permanent way is extremely unfair. Don't do the same thing back - be the adult here. Counseling would be great if it could help him to be honest, but it sounds like he's not willing to do that either. You've got a very hard situation here and I feel for you. Take some time, think it through carefully, and decide what means the most to you. Keep us posted. Big hugs.

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