Need help getting a grip, please
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| Mon, 08-06-2007 - 10:36pm |
Hi all,
I haven't been around here much in the last several months, but I'm really in need of some advice. I'm really struggling still with my ex's girlfriend and don't know what to do better deal with it.
She and I do not speak. She comes to events for our children, and ignores me even though we all have to be there together. She goes so far as to start conversations with my children, and deliberately stand part way between me and my kids, and try to cut me out of the conversation. We just don't like each other, and whether I like it or not, she is going to be everywhere my kids are.
My ex never has nor ever will tell her to behave herself, so me trying to get him to see reason is not going to happen. He feels that since she is important to him that she should come with him to every single event she wants to.
Where I'm having problems is with the new school year approaching. I'm having major anxiety just thinking about her going on my kids' school field trips, showing up to girl scout meetings, coming to class meetings and me having to sit with her along with all the other parents.
I admit part of this is a territorial thing. I get really upset when she sticks herself in places that I feel like I should be in. I am their mother, not this 24 year old twit. I resent her trying to force me to acknowledge her as a third parent, and I tend to dig my heels in.
I realize the only way for me to keep my sanity is for me to change my attitude. I can't keep coming home and crying every time I have to be at an event with her. I can't sit here for the next month with a knot in my stomach thinking about what is to come during this school year.
If you guys could please help me with my own attitude and perspective I would greatly appreciate it.

I have absolutely NO experience with this, so can't give you btdt advice. I think there are some good books out there on blended families. I would start reading them for suggestions.
Knowing absolutely nothing about it, however, it feels inappropriate to me to have her at things like Brownies and field trips and other events which you are volunteering for. I understand if she accompanies your X to things, but she is not the kids mother (you said GF) and she has no place volunteering for the kids activities -- the schools should not recognize her having any kind of custodial status--she is not their step mom!
Also, if she is going to be at events you are attending (plays, sports, etc) then she MUST behave civilly. End of discussion. How do you make this happen?
Here's my thought -- ask your X to sit down in mediation or with a child psychologist to work this out. He needs to hear from a professional what is appropriate for the children. Having your GF treat your children's mother disrespectfully is BAD for your children. If the GF can't behave civilly; she should not attend.
Ok, again, this is from someone who hasn't been there yet.
Let us know what happens.
HUGS!
M
Im not sure how much advice I can offer...But I can say...Boy, do I feel your pain! I've been through the same thing...My X and his GF...she is 20 years older than him...Yes 20 years! She could be my children grandmother and I have even had people ask if she is their grandmother..hehe! But she is overbearing, even volunteered to go on a field trip with my son's kindergarden class...(I couldn't go, because I had to work) Talk about being resentful! She is an ex teacher (and now retired) so she feels she knows ALL when it comes to dealing with my kids and their schooling. I am a very involved mother and was a SAHM mom until my divorce three years ago. She has attempted to go and talk with school officials about my kids and their grades, etc. I spoke with the principal of both my children's school and adviced them that under no circumstances is she to be given any information on my children or their progress...If their dad chooses to bring her along than i cant do anything about that...But, I will limit her in any way I can.
I feel your pain, I am territorial as well! The only I can say is that it's gotten less and less, it's like the novelty has worn off. I kept my cool at all functions and treated her very cool...It's like once they saw they couldn't rattle my cage the it became less fun for them. And remember...we are their for our children for the long haul...the GF's are not! They will get bored with it...they don't love or care for our children as much as we do! I think for her she realized...(and I know this because she did tell me this) But, for her it was like..>Wait a minute...I've already raised my kids why am i doing this again?
Dont know if I helped or not but...just wanted to lend an ear and let you know I understand how you feel. Stay calm, be adult, vent if you need to...it's okay to cry about it, but in front of them don't let your guard down and kill em' with kindness!
Here are my thoughts on this. We can wish and hope that things would be different. We can even demand and argue our point trying to force them to be different. But what it comes down to is that people will do what they want to do regardless of how we feel or what we want. So what do we do? We look at what we can do to make the situation better. Take responsiblity for our feelings.
You have won half the battle - "I realize the only way for me to keep my sanity is for me to change my attitude". Obviously, you know how important it is to be responsible for your own feelings and not expecting others to change to accommodate you - regardless of how badly you want it to be different.
Some things to consider in making an attitude shift. I would suggest taking the time to really drill down and find out why it is that it bothers you so much that she is there? What are you afraid of? Do you feel threatened by her relationship with your kids? If so why? What does she represent to you?
After you have identified what it is that is causing such discomfort for you then look at what you can do to make some positive changes. Or what you would do if your greatest fear was realized? Would you survive? When we face those deep rooted feelings and come up with strategies to combat them, they no longer pose a threat. Make sense?
I hope this helps. Best of luck!