Need help getting my 15 year old son out

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2007
Need help getting my 15 year old son out
4
Sat, 08-04-2007 - 10:10am

I'm a newby and have been separated from my husband for 5 months. I'm 56 years old, have one 15 yr. old son, and was married for 30 years. My h is very controlling and manipulative. I always thought it was me until I saw him begin to treat m son in the same way he treated me. It took me a long time to leave.

My h and I worked together in the family business for our entire lives. I was doing everything, running the business and taking care of the home. He did absolutely nothing, in fact he would throw trash on the floor and leave it for weeks if I didn't pick it up. Someone had to get a paying job, and it was me. I began working 45 hours a week, and still did all the housework, and did his bookkeeping on weekends. I tried to leave a couple of times, but he convinced me not to. He still says he doesn't want to get divorced, but I believe it's just a financial thing with him. Doesn't want to split our assets, wants my paycheck in the house so he doesn't havve to work.

My h is obviously getting depressed, but I am unable to reach him. He began drinking. Our life and home became a constant battleground. He blamed me for the financial trouble our business got into, and everything else that went wrong in his life. I felt used and abused. He refuses to be accountable for his actions. Although he was not physically abusive, he is emotionally and verbally abusive, especially when he drinks. My son was so angry with me because I was the one who moved out, tho he's getting through it. My husband refuses to get counseling, and insists that our son doesn't need it either.

I decided, in the last 24 hours, to go ahead and file for divorce after another mind-bending episode with my husband. I was going to go for joint custody, but now think I'd better go for full custody. It will make my son upset because he will do anything to keep my h happy. But the other night, I got a call from my h at 12:30 saying my son had sprinkled glass on a cake and he ate it, and to come pick up my son because my son was trying to kill him. I could not reassure my husband, he'd been drinking. My son called me, hysterical. I picked him up (I only live 1.5 mi. from them) and calmed him down. The next morning my husband figured out that when a glass had broken when he slammed a cabinet door, some glass had gotten into a bowl or plate and that's where the glass came from. He expected the whole thing to be over then. My son was just relieved that his father didn't think that my son was trying to kill him. But I am so angry. He is just so sick sick sick to put his family through this.

I guess I am just venting here, but also wondering if because of my son's age if anyone knows if there is any chance I will be given full custody. I am thinking maybe, because of my h's obvious instability. I wish so much I had left him when my son was young. And I feel so guilty that my son is living with a man like this. One of the reasons I moved out was to send a message loud and clear to my son that his father's behavior was absolutely unacceptable, and to make sure my son had a soft place to land. Trouble is, he's terrified that his father will "withdraw his support" (one of his favorite manipulative terms) if my son stays with me at all, so he won't stay with me.

All this being said, I have never regretted for a moment that I moved out. And my life will be perfect once I can get my son out of that house. Thanks for listening!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2007
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 10:46am

This is horrible! I don't know anything about custody, I don't even have children myself, but I'll suggest a couple of things.

1st - Get a counsler/therapist for yourself. It will help for you to get this kind of support and they may have advice on how to handle these types of situation.

2nd - Write down any incident of this kind that happens. Just keep a record, it may come in handy when you are trying to get custody.

3rd - Consult a lawyer to find out your rights.

Your husband has a drinking problem, he is not going to be rational, understanding or supportive in anyway. He is co-dependent and now that you have taken yourself out of the picture he will more than likely put all of the stuff he used to put on you onto your son. You do need to get him out of there if you can. If you cannot at least make sure he has to tools to deal with it. Perhaps if you can't get full custody at the very least you would be able to get the court to mandate counseling for your son to help him deal with your seperation and to help him deal with his father's erratic behaviour.

Your story is a big warning to me. In many ways my husband is also very manipulative and often tries makes me feel like he will pull his support if I don't behave, it used to terrify me and yet when I look at it rationally I realize that I'm the one who does most of the supporting. It holds a little less power over me everytime he does it.

I'm just so sorry this is happening to your son. Just do all you can to help him even when he doesn't appreciate it, someday he will understand and appreciate that you stood up for him everyway you could.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2007
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 7:56pm

Thank you so so much for your support. I can't begin to tell you how much it means. I emailed my atty after this incident and told her to get my H served asap. I am going for joint custody, but primary residential custody. My son may not like it at first but I just have to make sure he's safe. We are also going for an assessment of us as parents, as she said "let them assess you. You've got nothing to hide." Also an alcohol assessment. My stbx has always had control issues. It took me years to see this. I was insecure and my self esteem was low when we were younger, and he always convinced me that I was the one with the problem. It wasn't until I saw him beginning to do to my son what he did to me that I realized I had to do something. Every article I've read in the last few months said that if you're in a relationship with a controlling manipulative person to just get out of it. See Wikipedia "How to get out of a Controlling Manipulative RElationship". That counseling and therapy rarely help people like this. The good news is that he'll be served by the end of this week, and that should keep him under control for a bit, until I can get a court date and a preliminary order.

But the drama continues. My poor son tried to run from the emotions all weekend. He was with his friends, and was able not to address it. Which is what he's learned to do. But today he said he woke up angry and didn't know why, and didn't want to come over, didn't want to see me or his father, just wanted to be by himself. So I talked to him for a bit, and told him his anger is totally appropriate considering what happened to him, and that he should just try to talk about it. By tomorrow night I'm going to have him an appt to talkt to someone other than my stbx or me. I told him to write it down, read it write it again, because he is a really gifted writer and I told him how each time he reads it he will be able to better deal with it and he said he would. It's just so hard to see your kid in pain like this, I wish it was me not him. I've been keeping journals on and off for 5 or 6 years, and this incident was in there on Friday.

Well, I guess I'm venting again, and I have set in motion those things that will help him, but I wish I could do something right now.

Again, thanks so much. Your advice is calming, and sound. You've been a big help to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2007
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 4:17pm

hockeymom

You are very welcome. It sounds like you were already doing some of these things, but it seems like it helped to have it echoed back to you. An assurance that you are doing the right thing, and it really sounds like you are. I wonder if there are group therapy sessions for young people who's parents are going through a divorce? It seems like it might really be helpful, especially for a teenager, to talk to other young people who are going through the same thing (much like this board is comforting to us) and to know that he isn't the only one going through something like this.

Also, I read your response to my other posts and I just wanted to say thank you! I put so much pressure on myself to just make a decision and do something, but like you pointed out its more than a break-up with another person its a departure from your current identity. I was an air-force brat and moving regularly and starting over were just a part of my life growing up, so much so that I think there is a part of me now that just feels like it isn't fair to have to start all over from scratch one more time. I know how to do it, I just don't want to. However, I have started to tuck money away, I'll have enough by the end of the month to move if I want to. Tonight I'm going to start looking over things and making lists of what would be too important to me to lose. I am determined to at least do this. I just don't know as the month progresses if I'll be able to get myself to actually rent an apartment. I have started looking for them though. I was thinking of maybe trying to do a two month sublease, sort of gives me a safety net with low commitment. I don't know, one day at a time I guess. Thanks for letting me know it took you three tries, it helps me not to feel like I should beat myself up so much. To someone who isn't going through this the answer just seems so obvious (I know to my friends and family it is), but when you are in the midst of it, it couldn't be more uncertain.

...Blue

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2007
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 8:30pm

Blue

Yeah, actually making the decision is the hardest. Just look at a couple of places, it kind of helps you get the feel of what it would be like, you know, a bit of visualization. I looked at some and couldn't do it, others were maybe, and I could kind of see myself happy there. I didn't have an h who was begging me to stay tho, so your situation is slightly different. My h wanted and still wants me to stay, but refuses to take ownership of all the horrible things he has done to destroy our marriage, and continues to do - as with my son. When I was there, the last straw was when I found out he'd lied about his inheritance while we were barely making ends meet, we didn't eve have a working oven. But then I was indecisive about actually filing for divorce and now I'm mad at myself for not doing it immediately, because I may have saved my son from that terrible episode.

My son is mad at me right now because I've made it clear that I am definitely filing, and my son just can't face or accept it. I call Family services in town today, got a voice mail. then I called his doctor for references for counseling, and went through our PPO to get names. Tomorrow I will make calls and talk to them so I can get him an appointment. He really wants to talk to someone, which is good. But it kills me to have him so mad he won't even come over here for dinner. I see little enough of him as it is.

I think it's easier to make the decision when your spouse has been abusive, or is addictive. Yours doesn't sound like he's either so I would expect it will be very hard for you to actually go ahead. You have to look at the future and imagine yourself still there years from now. Would anything have changed? I truly wish I hadn't waited til it got so bad, the signs were all there, and that little voice was in my head. I just kept hoping things would change, and thinking that if I was perfect enough, they would. Well, guess what? I AM perfect, and nothing has changed! :)

You'll know when it's time, if it ever is. I know I don't regret it ever. I've been back to the house and spent weekends with my h and son on our boat. (Boy, will I miss that boat.) It always starts out well and ends badly. You know, I lived in my house for 30 years and don't miss it one bit. Probably because my h made sure that my whole life he made me feel it was HiS house, not mine. (even tho I paid the mortgage with him.) Now I have a home that is mine. I'm renting right now, until we settle and the divorce is final, but it's still mine. So nice.

Hey take care. One day at a time. Let me know how you're doing. Hockeymom