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Need help getting through this
| Sat, 06-17-2006 - 10:12pm |
Hi everyone,
I am new to this board and am in desparate need of some support. I was married 10 yrs to a great guy - good looking, nice, a guy you take home to mom. He cooks, cleans, does everything. Problem was, we had no connection. Never talked about who we were, what we wanted, our inner thoughts dreams etc. Two years ago I spent a night at a meeting with a guy who I had been friends with - talking about everything - we had one kiss, but realized we could not let this happen between us. I got home, got my husband to go to counseling - but nothing really changed. Last summer I met someone else, and thought was going to have a one night stand. It turned into a phone call, emails and before I knew it was having an affair. I never thought I'd have an affair. Two months into it, my H found out about my A. I was ashamed, confused. But I knew the relationship I had with my MM was unlike anything I'd ever had. I moved out, we went to marriage counseling. But because I couldn't give up the MM it went nowhere. So now we're getting divorced - his request. Several months after we seperated, my MM left his wife and young child. They are in marriage counseling too and they are talking divorce. He has an older child from a previous marriage that he spends every other weekend with to make things more complicated and is trying to spend time with his young child too. Oh yea - and we live several hours away. We see each other every other weekend if we can. If we're where I live we can't go out at all because my husband lives in the same little town I do. If we're where he lives, we can do a lot more.
So now I am seperated, living alone and paying 1/3 of my salary to my husband for spousal support - it's a long story why/how it's that much - and frankly it was my choice. My MM is with his daughter this weekend. My H got all the friends. I have not had one phone call from any of our mutual friends in 9 months. I have a few friends from work but we don't do things on the weekends. I have a few other aquaitences but no one close that I could call. My sister doesn't even call me or ask me over for dinner. I have been by myself since Fri at 5pm, and no one has called me except for a 20 min call from MM at 730 this am when his daughter was sleeping.
I know I did this to myself. I know if I had stayed in my marriage I would be at my favorite restaurant finishing dessert after a great bottle of wine with my husband and another couple we've been friends with for 10 yrs. That makes me long for what I had. It will be a long time before I'll be part of MM's real life - I realize that. We don't want his wife to find out about the A, and it would take about a year before I would be comfortable meeting his kids. But the problem is I am so lonely I can barely stand it. I have no one to talk to. I really wanted to go out tonight, enjoy the weather, have a glass of wine, but I'm too embarassed to go to a restaurant by myself. I know this is normal. My counselor says I should just call people and it will get easier. But everyone says call me sometime and I usually say when you're free call me. No one has called and I know they're just being polite. Tears are streaming down my face again for the 4th or 5th time today. Please tell me this will get better.
I am new to this board and am in desparate need of some support. I was married 10 yrs to a great guy - good looking, nice, a guy you take home to mom. He cooks, cleans, does everything. Problem was, we had no connection. Never talked about who we were, what we wanted, our inner thoughts dreams etc. Two years ago I spent a night at a meeting with a guy who I had been friends with - talking about everything - we had one kiss, but realized we could not let this happen between us. I got home, got my husband to go to counseling - but nothing really changed. Last summer I met someone else, and thought was going to have a one night stand. It turned into a phone call, emails and before I knew it was having an affair. I never thought I'd have an affair. Two months into it, my H found out about my A. I was ashamed, confused. But I knew the relationship I had with my MM was unlike anything I'd ever had. I moved out, we went to marriage counseling. But because I couldn't give up the MM it went nowhere. So now we're getting divorced - his request. Several months after we seperated, my MM left his wife and young child. They are in marriage counseling too and they are talking divorce. He has an older child from a previous marriage that he spends every other weekend with to make things more complicated and is trying to spend time with his young child too. Oh yea - and we live several hours away. We see each other every other weekend if we can. If we're where I live we can't go out at all because my husband lives in the same little town I do. If we're where he lives, we can do a lot more.
So now I am seperated, living alone and paying 1/3 of my salary to my husband for spousal support - it's a long story why/how it's that much - and frankly it was my choice. My MM is with his daughter this weekend. My H got all the friends. I have not had one phone call from any of our mutual friends in 9 months. I have a few friends from work but we don't do things on the weekends. I have a few other aquaitences but no one close that I could call. My sister doesn't even call me or ask me over for dinner. I have been by myself since Fri at 5pm, and no one has called me except for a 20 min call from MM at 730 this am when his daughter was sleeping.
I know I did this to myself. I know if I had stayed in my marriage I would be at my favorite restaurant finishing dessert after a great bottle of wine with my husband and another couple we've been friends with for 10 yrs. That makes me long for what I had. It will be a long time before I'll be part of MM's real life - I realize that. We don't want his wife to find out about the A, and it would take about a year before I would be comfortable meeting his kids. But the problem is I am so lonely I can barely stand it. I have no one to talk to. I really wanted to go out tonight, enjoy the weather, have a glass of wine, but I'm too embarassed to go to a restaurant by myself. I know this is normal. My counselor says I should just call people and it will get easier. But everyone says call me sometime and I usually say when you're free call me. No one has called and I know they're just being polite. Tears are streaming down my face again for the 4th or 5th time today. Please tell me this will get better.

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MM was married at 20. Was not pregnant when they got married. About 11 months later they had a child. Five years later, she had an affair, he caught her, she moved with the boyfriend across the country, they divorced. He raised the child alone. Five years later he remarried. They had a child about 5 years into the marriage.
He has decided through his own counseling he will not tell his wife about the A, just that he wants to end the marriage. What good can come from that? I have to agree. I think it would have been easier for my husband if he didn't find out about the affair and I told him that I wanted a divorce. He is tortured by questions about my A - when, where, why? I agree that MM needs to end his marriage and so does he. And frankly there is no planning of things for us until he does that. I will not plan a weekend, a trip, a visit to the grocery store with him while he is still married and his wife thinks they are working on things. I have to protect myself somehow in this. I am also troubled by the two marriage thing. He is currently in counseling to sort this issue out. I am in counseling as well, working on myself- and the issues around why I wasn't happy in my marriage- who am I? what do I need and want? and how to ask for it. Should things end up that we could be together, there is couples counseling in our future as well. I am not going into this as a 19 year old who has no clue about the realities. On paper this is a disaster waiting to happen. I just know that despite all of the realities of this I have never felt more secure in a relationship, able to talk about the bad things, able to say that I have limits and able to ask for what I need and want. It is so freeing to be listened to for my opinion, and actually have my opinion taken into consideration during a decision making process and for someone to say - that's a good point - let's do it your way. Or to end up doing part of it my way and part of it his way so we both get what we need.
I continue to read and pray and journal about all of this. I know that I will be a better person for my experience, no matter what happens. I feel fortunate I didn't have kids to drag down this road with me. I know I am immature, I got married for the wrong reasons and lived a life with someone who didn't realize what he was getting. I only hope that I will grow and be myself from now on.
Philly girl,
Are you on antidepressants? I hate to hand them out like candy but crying 4-5 times a day is a big indicator you could be helped.
I hear your story and feel your pain===but you need to get out and find something new for your SELF. Join a club, take a class, volunteer for a cause you believe in. Join a church (if you are not religious, try the Unitarian Universalists, they have something for everyone). Get out with other people. If you are doing something you enjoy, you will eventually meet other people you enjoy.
It IS hard. Give yourself a little credit!
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