Need help handling a very upset 4yr old

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Need help handling a very upset 4yr old
9
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 11:53am

Hi - I have been lurking here and posting the very odd time. In a nutshelle, my DH and I are on the verge of marital collapse after 8yrs and 2 beautiful daughters. I am crushed by this. He wants/needs a more exciting sex life - I am hurt by constant put downs about my weight, my looks, my decisions, the air I breath you name it. He is quite often hostile and rude to me. I do not think I can give him what he wants in the bedroom - which is essentially porn style sex on a regular basis - I am not a porn queen - most of that stuff either makes me laugh or grosses me out. The kind of sex he wants is one thing but the loss of imtimacy/caring/respect/appreciation in our relationship is just too hard for me to ignore. I feel that if we could get some of that other stuff back then maybe the possibilities in the bedroom might open up. I feel like he is putting the cart before the horse. I understand his desire but I am not comfortable going there - we have sex on a very regular basis (at least 1-2 times per week) but I am doing that more or less to keep the peace.

Anyway - my greatest concern is for our older daughter who is 4. I believe that she senses something is happening and she has been very very emotional, upset, clingy etc. in the past two weeks. I always tell her that I love her and that nothing can change that. Last night she asked me if I loved daddy. We were interupted and I never had a chance to answer her but I think she is plagued by this. How can I help her? I want to minimize the trauma to the kids as much as possible. We try to keep the situation removed from them but clearly there is tension no matter what. DH and I have discussed divorce and we are both very much hoping for an amicable one if that is where we end up.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 12:27pm

well your dd is obviously picking up on your (you and your husband's) stress. THere would be no point in telling her right now that you are getting a divorce, because you don't know yet if you or not. i wouldn't even focus on the 'love' and relationship between you and your husband. what you CAN tell her, IMHO, is something along the lines of "honey, sometimes people can have an argument and feel sad about it, but then they make up and feel ok. remember the time that you had a fight with john? and you were crying and sad? but then you make up and now you are friends again". At the same time, I would talk to her teacher, and let her know that "something" is going on at home and you would appreciate if she could let you know if she sees any changes in DD

at the same time, if what you are telling us here is ALL that is wrong with your marriage, then i TRULY and very STRONGLY urge you to seek marital therapy. if you and your husband love each other and want to make it work, then you will need to find a way to compromise. I think that once your husband will understand that if you feel upset and unappreciated , you are not going to be 'in the mood', and you will understand HIS needs, then maybe things can be worked out. even if you do decide to get divorced, do it from a strong point and not from a point of anger and frustration. in any event, even if you do get divorced you will need to get along as you will always be parents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 12:30pm

Be honest!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 12:34pm

Hi. I feel for you, and I know your situation well. I have a 2 and a 4 year old and the older is very perceptive. I try to recall a few things about kids at that age- 1)there are only a few people in their lives that they notice; themselves and their parents being the most significant 2) they can't reference their own emotions, so they look to their models for help; thus the kids will react to a situation based on how the parents react, 3) they can't understand abstract ooncepts like "love", they hear about them, but they don't really understand them.

Based on those general tenets of developmental psychology you can adress a number of things. Your children's expereince of the process of divorce or transition is based on how you present it. If your child is worried it's because she sees a change in you or your spouse. If she's upset, it's likely because you are. If there is anything you can do to put a positive spin on the situation, try it.

As an example, I have been telling my 4 year old that we're moving to the city. I've been telling him how nice it will be not to have to commute, how it will be nice to be closer to family and how his school friends will be able to come over to play. We don't discuss how daddy won't be moving to the city with us, but it will be presented as "aren't we lucky, now we have 2 houses and you get to spend time at both".

Transition is hard. It's even harder if it's highly emotional. Talk to the kids a lot, but in a simple, positive manner and let them lead the conversation where it needs to go. Kids are so resilient, they'll be just fine as long as they see that you are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 2:03pm

Thanks for your reply. I have talked to her teacher so she is currently on side. I will try to speak to DD again today to help get to the root of her worries. I agree in that I don't want to say anything too premature.

As for my situation with my DH, I have been asking him to go to counselling for a couple of years now - he has refused as his opinion has been that the problem is the quality of sex. However last week he made an appt. for himself. I too have since made an appt. for myself but ultimately I feel strongly that we need to go as a couple. I would like to try and work things out - I have felt that counselling was needed for a couple years now as I think there has been too much hurt to overcome this on our own. We have a viscious circle.
He says that 99.9% of what he wants is there except for the quality of sex. On my side - I have been very hurt by his put downs, insults, lack of support and lack of respect, wisecracks about my body for a few years now. I have just been putting up with the insults but now he has given me an ultimatum - which is basicaly have some raunchy sex or else. I don't think I can no matter how much I want to keep the family together. I do not think I can (or am able to) give him what he wants. His words have contributed greatly to my feeling of inadequacy/inhibition and have also clearly indicated that he has very little regard for me. He says that he respects me but actions speak far louder than words. He does not at all see how he has contributed to the situation we are in. He feels I should just forget that stuff and get down and dirty. I wish I could but I don't know how...

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 2:11pm
We have been talking that we feel we might make better co-parents than husband and wife. I would definitely try and put as much of a positive spin on things as possible. Fortunately - in this situation he works many nights so the girls are used to daddy being away. The biggest adjustment for us will be the time they are away from me. I do everything with them. I get upset just thinking about it but - on the brighter side - he will be forced to spend some quality time with them - I know he loves them dearly - he just doesn't have a lot of patience normal childhood fussing etc. I agree with not sweeping the situation under the rug - she needs to be validated. I will try and talk to her tonight.
Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 2:20pm
Thanks for your note - it is very helpful. She has seen me crying (as much as I have tried to cover it up). I know that she knows something is wrong - she is a perceptive cookie. She is the kind of child who - when her dad decided at the last minute to take the girls camping - she was excited for half a second and then started crying because mommy would be at home alone (I had to work). She made me promise I would stay at my friend's house.
Fortunately I work in PR so I am all about positive spin! I totally agree though and I think that I would do exactly what you did and try to be really upbeat about the fact that they are going to have two bedrooms etc. She has been wanting her baby sister to move into her room so now she will have the chance to do that if she wants, or just decorate if she would prefer. Uggg - this is sooo hard....I feel awful.....it just breaks my heart...
Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 2:40pm

You are right about keeping a positive spin on things as much as possible.... of course, having our children see our humility... and tears... is OK (as long as we're not just falling to pieces every moment of every day).


My EX was never very involved in parenting until we divorced... and he had to step up to the plate.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 1:28pm

well if he is wiling to go to therapy - even if its by himself at this point - then he should definately be encouraged to do so. you are right that you probably need couple's therapy, but its also ok if you each start separately and then work things out together.

good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 3:50pm
Thanks for your kind words. At this stage of the game I either have really good days or exceptionally bad days. Things are changing moment by moment. He had a counselling session yesterday and I asked him if he would please consider couples counselling together. Sowe have an appointmnet in two weeks. I am quite nervous but I know it is necessary. In the meantime I have asked him not to bring up the topic or any related matters while the kids are present. Hopefully that will ensure that our daughter doesn't over hear anything upsetting.
Rosecolouredspecs