Need help, having a hard time ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Need help, having a hard time ...
17
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 11:00pm

- but worse, so is poor dd.


I am getting very torn. Sort of. I still feel that what i am doing is right by Averey, but man, it is SO

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 12:37am

I think that you are doing ALL The right things..... I know it's difficult, but Averey being hurt by an angry phone call..... or worse! is far worse that her missing him right now.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 9:15am

Karen - i cant thank you enough for your words. I was a bit afraid to post this, afraid of people telling me that they honestly think I am doing the wrong thing, or trying to get back at him, or something.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 10:37am

What you spoke of in your original post is similar (although not to your extreme) to what I have had to deal with sine I left my XH a year and a half ago. My situation is different for several reasons the two most glaring are that 1. our divorce was final in March 2005 and 2. XH comes to see the kids every Tues and Thur. XH has been without a place/home of his own since June 2004 therefore he must come to my house to see the kids. Also, his driver's liscense has been revoked so he is not allowed to drive with the kids so he is pretty much stuck here at my house unless I choose to drive them somewhere to do something. BUT...getting off track...all I wanted to tell you was that the time (feels like about 70%) inbetween when XH isn't here to visit are complete torture and misery for DS (6 years old). It has been extremely difficult and emotionally exhausting for me to have to be the parent to deal with DS's sadness and utter miserableness and maybe sometimes bordering on depression (IMO) when XH is not here. I get so frustrated with DS (although do not show it to him) and get to the point of thinking that we left him nearly two years ago...get over it! But obviously I can't say that to him. He mopes around and says he has nothing to do and if I ever ignore his self-pity (for lack of a better word) then he begins to cry and he will go into his bedroom and dramatically throw himself on his bottom bunk bed and cry out for his Dad. I can tell when his cries are real and when they are not and I comfort him when I think he is geniunly upset BUT he does this when he doesn't get his way or when we have to go run errands or do chores that he doesn't want to do. I have talked to XH about it before and we are, thankfully, both on the same page with the messages we send DS and DS has called him many times in the last year and a half and cried over the phone for 'daddy to love mommy again' so XH is not out of reach like yours is. ANd I know my situation is not nearly as extreme as yours but thought I would jump in and let you know that I feel your frustration, or at least some of it.

(((hugs))) to you. One of the hardest aspects of parenting, for me, is doing what is best for my children knowing that in the short run they will despise me for it but in the long run they will (hopefully-but probably not until they are adults themselves) understand why I made the choices I did.

You and Avery are in my prayers.

Thank you for sharing...truly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 11:01am

The her counselor appointment should be on a Thursday, and if he asks for a visit, then he should be told (since you won't be there) that HE needs to call YOU by Monday to set up and confirm his intent for Wednesday--- that, he will not do, and Averey just needs to be told up front that if she talks to him he might ask to see her, but asking.... and following through... are two different things.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 1:48pm

I think you're doing a GREAT job! And you're doing it because that's what Moms do. We're not supposed to be our kids' friends until they're grown, right? Right now, you have to make the difficult decisions, and your STBX certainly isn't capable of doing that.

Karen's suggestion of allowing DD to speak with her dad on the speakerphone at her counselor's is a terrific idea. If he tries any funny stuff, he'll have witnesses.

Good luck to you! And a dozen hugs!

SusieY

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 5:27pm

Man, oh man, what a HARD situation. But what else can you possibly do? Her dad obviously has some VERY serious problems that he's not addressing...suicidal talk, drinking, not being medicated. That is VERY serious. You have concerns for your child's safety, as you should. It does not appear to me at all that you are trying to sever her relationship with her father.

I think it is a great idea to have her call from the therapist's office. Also, if he starts acting crazy on the phone, the therapist will be able to hear it first hand.

You are taking all the right steps you possibly can...legally and otherwise. Hopefully, your STBX will get the help he needs...sooner than later. This must be insanely stressful for you to deal with, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 3:31am

Ouch, It must be so hard to have him in your home visiting - but i suppose you are able at least to monitor the situation more closely.


I do think there is a difference b/w how our kids are reacting. (((hugs))) to you & your son. My dd seems ok most of the time. Its just during down times, every couple days since she hasnt spoken to him in almost 2 weeks (& they are VERY close), that she has been getting like this. Thank God she can verbalize it to me & tlak about it. I think that will help her in the long run. But i just want answers & a plan. No matter what it is, so she doesnt feel like she is living in limbo when she will see him again.


Is your little guy in some sort of counseling? My dd's basically just does play therapy & it is a huge help to her. She loves going. Maybe this would help your son?


Thank you for your support & your prayers, very much ~R

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 3:36am

I think you mean a Tuesday, b/c his "day" is Wed? & as a matter of fact, it IS on Tuesday. But thats a great idea.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 3:37am

Thanks so much Susie. The idea of the speaker phone is good, but please read my response above about it.


& thanks for the hugs! R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 3:39am

You are right. That IS how i feel. What CAN i do?

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