Need help!!! Long but please be patient
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Need help!!! Long but please be patient
| Mon, 01-01-2007 - 4:24am |
Hey there. I'm new here, but I REALLY need some advice. To help everything make sense, I will give some background. My ex husband and I were married 10 years ago. We have an 8 year old daughter. We were married for 6 years. Those years were full of emotional abuse. In the last year of our marriage, he decided to cheat on me, lie to me, etc. in addition to the ongoing emotional abuse. The woman he cheated on me with is now his wife. They have 2 kids together. They are both master manipulators. From the very beginning, she has tried to do whatever she could to drive a wedge between dd and myself. He even took her from me for three months with no visitation and little phone contact the summer we were going through the divorce. Since then, I tried to move to another state (going through the proper legal motions to do so). He took me to court to block it. Last year, he moved two states away (without going through the proper steps). We still exchange for visitation every other weekend, Friday and Sunday. The trip is a 6 hour round trip (12 hours each weekend). When we were divorced, he gave reported one amount. Now,he's reporting about a figure 6 times that amount. He's making about 6 times what I am, but child support has only recently been raised and the judge still hasn't signed it into affect. At this moment, we share joint custody (although he lives 7 hours away). I have her during the school year, he has her during the summer, plus the visitation weekends that alternate depending who has primary custody at the time. I'm trying to change that--through the courts. Of course, he contested it. I am barely able to make ends meet so I couldn't afford to pay an attorney so I had to go through legal aid. I pay $150 a month just for gas transporting her for visitation. He is counter-suing for full custody. Our daughter has asthma and there have been times in the past (when he wasn't paying his child support on time) that I was unable to afford her medicine. He is saying that she is better off with him. He and his new wife have two kids together. They were just married last year (after I started the proceedings). She stays home all the time to protray the "perfect little home." They also can afford better gifts, etc. I have been there for her in every way possible since dd was born(even though her dad didn't have time for her". Now the OW is trying to take my place--literally. At every chance possible, they pump her for information--even asking over the phone what we were buying while we were grocery shopping. My dd is afraid not to answer their questions for fear of getting grounded the next time she is at their house. They have told her that she is not allowed to have secrets--even if the questions they are asking are about my life and therefore none of their business. We are required to inform them of any doctor's appointments, etc. and vice versa. However, they do not return the favor. To make a long story short, I have done my best to "play by the rules" while he skirts around them. His idea of my cooperation is me doing whatever he tells me to--using my known fear of losing my daughter--as a method of intimidation. The day she was supposed to go to her Dad's for Christmas break, I took her to her asthma doctor for a recheck on the medicine changes they had made last month. She had a small case of allergic rhinitis so she gave her some medicine--which I filled and took to her dad's along with instructions. They had to take her to a different doctor up there because the specialist I'm taking her to "isn't good enough." I wasn't told about this until I called her on the phone. They also took her to see her guardian ad litem (again I wasn't told). This is where the issue lies though. The first time dd went to see the guardian ad litem, she told him that she was happy with the way things are and didn't want anything to change. This time,dd told the him that she wanted to go live with her dad. I know they have been pumping her for information and that they are able to afford much better things than I have been able to as a single mom. I'm afraid she's buying the "grass is greener" scenario they are painting for her. I've tried to show her (by their actions) what they are trying to do, but she isn't able/willing to see it. I've told her that if she really wants to go (after weighing both sides of the table carefully) then I will respect that, but the thought of losing her is killing me. What they are doing is plain as day to me--and everyone else around. She has said that she wants to move there because the OW is home all the time. They can afford to get her medicine refilled easier, and there are more siblings to play with there. But she has also said (in the past)that they ground her for the smallest things and she isn't able to "be herself." Many times, when she has to go to see them, she cries because she doesn't want to go. I'm just so confused. I don't know what to do. I know what he is capable of and what he has done. I just feel powerless to stop it. It's all my word against his and his money. Please give me some advice on what I can do!!!

I have no advice, just sending you (((HUGS)))! I am so so sorry how this is turning out. I hope your court appointed attorney can help you. Also, can you talk to the guardian ad litem yourself?
I will say a pray for your dd's happiness and emotional well-being and yours!
Hugs,
M
Thank you.
omg.
If we only knew things and had the money and the way to prove them. But when they buy a child things that they dont figure they can ever have with his it is such a powerful too.
I am sure my sons dad and stepmother told him he would have a bad life with me. I suffered so over that. I almost just wanted to end my life.........back then that was in the 70's I dont even think we had legal aid.
Later whem my son was living with them his school bus wrecked and he had a pretty good head injury and stitches. My ex never told me about it till much later and I am sure it was because they didnt want to give me the chance to be there for him and be a mother. Also in his young adulthood he was coming back from a race and in the mountains and snow and he wrecked really bad and had to have life flight take cut him out of the vehicle
My ex and his wife knew immediately because that was the contact info beings he had been living with them. THEY never told me. I was sooo mad. I didnt even get to be there for my son. I asked my son why they didnt call me and they told him it would only worry me.
Bull crap! They didnt tell me cause they could be there for him in his time of need not me. therefore making me insignificant in his life.
today my ex ........his wife died when my son got married..he is remarried and they hardly go see our grandkids EVER. I do .......and they do not even give him picture of the kids anymore.
You know I think that people like your x and woman and my x and wife.......should always be investigated and people of those standards should not even be around children EVER.
This is crazy making and it hurts the child so much. But its not that way is it? if they have money and time they can get away with all this crazy making .......and pushing us out of their lives.
I am not suggesting you do this but had I known what I know today I would have taken my son and moved far away. I am not even sure if he would have bothered to find us. but then ha how do you live without child support.
You know my son knows today so many things. .........
You will have to be strong and give your daughter all the love and attention you can and always let her know you love her.I am sure you are doing that. try to be good to yourself too and dont take blame and dont believe it when they run you down and stuff.
maybe someone on this board can help you with some strategies. I didnt get anyway back then but then there wasnt the resources they have now. I wish the courts would look into this type of child abuse..........putting the child against the other parent.
I am so sorry.
So sorry you are going through this. Your post could be mine, except that he is living with the OW and they have not yet married because our divorce is not yet final. My daughter does have medical conditions and asthma also. I cry reading your post because I know that they have tried to buy her off this Christmas when I had to make a choice whether to keep the lights on or to get Christmas gifts and they bought her Christmas gifts galore.
I believe that the courts will also take into consideration the fact that the child has been with you as the primary caretaker. I believe that making the statement to the counselor about the grass is greener. Document the fact that they make her tell them things and that they ground her for silly things. Make them do a home visitation. Open yourself up and allow the social workers to come and see that you are doing the best that you can do and tell them how you feel about them taking your daughter away...you've lost him, and your lifestyle and how is it fair that you also lose your child. I know that in our state these things play a huge part. I do not know about your state...talk to your legal aid attorney.
>>>HUGS<<< Prayers for you and your child!!
We can think all the fair and stable things in the world...but that does not mean that the judge will see the fair and equal things. I wish for you all the best and hope that you will endure this the best that you can!!
I did get to talk to the guardian-ad-litem (gal) the other day and my attorney as well. Actually, I got two conflicting answers from them. My dd is very bright, perceptive, way too mature for her age so she picks up on nearly everything. Before she had gone to her dad's for Christmas vacation, my parents and I had sat her down and told her what was going on about the court case. We also told her that during her break, her dad and step-mom would probably try to make her change her mind about who she wanted to live with. As I've said before, they are extremely manipulative. At their house they have a "no secret" policy which they enforce quite strongly. This basically means that my dd is required to tell them EVERYTHING that she and I discuss--or she gets grounded.
When I talked to the gal, he chewed me out. How dare I put our dd in the middle! How dare I tell her that any court case is going on! How dare I tell our dd not to answer questions from them that do not in any way concern them! How dare I tell her that her dad wants to take her away from me! So, although it's all true and I have never lied to her about anything, I am no longer allowed to tell her anything. Anything that I do not want the x and ow to know about, I can't tell Lauren because that would be putting her in a tough spot by asking her not to tell them--even though it's not their business to know.
When I talked to my attorney, he said that he didn't see what the big deal was since she is obviously quite mature for her age, knows what's going on, and is already constantly being put in the middle by them. However, he reminded me that the gal is going to have to make a recommendation to the judge about the case. He said that although it's going to be difficult to bite my tongue, I need to placate him. Even though my x and his ow decide to put her in the middle, I have to refrain from talking to her about her dad (or his wife). I am not responsible for what they do, but I am responsible for what I do. He then told me that because she is not yet 14, they will only take her wishes into consideration a miniscule amount because of the lack of maturity and the risk of manipulation. I also told him that my parents have expressed a desire to testify in my behalf about the games my ex has played.
My dd and I are supposed to go on the 12th to give depositions--at my x's insistence. I'm going to do my best to give an earful. One way or another, the attys will get a very good idea about the games that the x and ow play. In the meantime, I am trying extremely hard to stay strong for myself and my dd. If you would, kindly remember us in your prayers so that we may remain strong and able to fight. Thank you so much for being here for us.
Darlin', of course! Lots of positive thoughts, prayers and many >>>HUGS<<< to get you through this difficult time!! Wish there were magic words to help you heal. Stay strong and I tend to agree with the attorney. You must placate the 'gal' in order to have a good report.
It sounds like the 'gal' is the usual brand of idiotic social worker. Don't tell the children? Bahahaha...I'm sorry the children live in the household, they know something is up. Telling them there is nothing wrong is the worst kind of lie when you are going through the emotional roller coaster. While the children do not have to know everything, what the heck do they expect you to do? Wait for the court decision and have the child with no preparation possibly hauled off to another household?
n my case, my STBX moved in with the OW. What the heck did the social worker expect me to say to my daughter? He is trying to take my daughter away asking her if she wants to come and live with him (although he has shown little interest in her until the OW suddenly wants to get involved and have his child with her (they are both manipulative of one another). They say that my child told them she did not want to be in the middle. Then perhaps they should stop putting her in the middle by trying to take her away from me when I have been her sole caretaker for the past three years while he has been gone having an affair.
But, you still have all the good thoughts in the world to keep you strong!! Take care of yourself and do the right things for your body (yah, I know it is difficult...I can't sleep anymore and tend to run on ragged), take your vitimins, and be very kind to yourself emotionally...no beating yourself up over silly little things!! >>>HUGS<<< Keep us posted on how things are coming!!
--Joy