Need help please! Don't know what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2006
Need help please! Don't know what to do
10
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 3:37pm

My husband informed me last week that he wants to get a divorce as soon as the holidays are over. He doesn't want to ruin the holidays for the kids, qhich I completely understand. But I don't understand why he is doing this.... AGAIN!!!!

Background: We have been together for 15 years, married for almost 12. We have to boys, 10 and 11 and have custody of my 15 yo sister for the last year and a half. I suffer from depression, have for as long as I can remember. Have been to numerous counselors and have taken numerous meds. We have had our shares of ups and downs just like anybody else. About 4 years ago while the husband was in school, he decided he wanted a divorce. We went to a counselor and she pretty much told me that I would have to deal with it and I needed toget back on my meds. Which I did and found a new counselor for myself. I don't know what happened, but DH decided to stay and work things out. He is out of school, has a job and I own my own business that I work from home at. A lttle over a year ago, we sold our house and bought a new one. Needless to say, we are in a burden of debt and my company (which I started approx. 9 months ago) hasn't been bringing in much money.

We don't really fight. We have some disagreements, but we never scream at each other, we have never een physically abusive to one another. We would sit on the couch holding hands, kissing, cuddling, etc.... that is why I am so confused as to my this is happening. He went on a work trip a few months back and said that while he was therehe got to do alot of thinking and decided that this is not the life he had dreams about. He wants to put the house up for sale the beginning of the new year. Neither one of us can afford to move out. We are barely getting by as it is. He says that he loves me and cares for me but he isn't in love with me. WTF is that supposed to mean?!?!?

I love this man with all my heart. I do not want our marriage to be over. I don't understand how he can throw 15 years and a family away. I don't have anyone to speak with... I do have a counseling appointment on the 20th, but no friends or family. The few people that I have talked to tell me to "suck it up and move on", "take him for child support and/or alamony". I don't want to do that... I want to save this marriage.

Thanks for listening

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 4:31pm

Sorry you don't have any sympathetic shoulders right there. This initial phase is horrible. I was angry, hurt, etc. But, I don't love my h, although I care about his wellbeing; I am here for my kids and I am trying to preserve the marriage for them, but my h is into himself and that is where he wants to be and has wanted to be all along.

Stunning that a father can be that selfish about his children, inflict such life-long emotional harm on them because he needs to have everything his own way, but our job is to take care of our children and ourselves as best we can. I just picked up and started taking care of business (lawyer, changed will, job hunting etc)--it helped me cope and made me feel like I wasn't surrendering control.

I am still very very angry and I still think he is a ^&%$$, but I will take care of me and the kids and I will try not to put the kids in the middle and I will try to let them have access to their Dad, although I want restrictions because of how he choses to live.

So, yes, hugs. Yes, grieve. Yes, be angry. Yes, find an irl support group (I am trying to get into one). And yes, start taking care of practical matters to protect you and the children.

Hth,

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 5:58pm

Why,


Here's my standard question when someone says "I want a divorce" when there's not an outward reason for it (to the person being left.). Have the two of you gone to marriage counseling? If not, I encourage you to do so. There's often more to the picture than the person who wants out is saying or the person who is left can see. It's worth it even if you go forward with

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Sat, 12-09-2006 - 6:01am
We have all gone through this in some form or another. "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." If we took a poll I'll bet most of us have said it or had it said to us. It means simply, "You are part of my life and the mother of my children and you will always be special and dear to me but...I don't feel for you the way I need to feel." The fact that he asked for a divorce four years ago say's that he has not been happy for some time. Have you? My ex and I stayed together for 25 years and were unhappy for the last ten. We didn't fight, we functioned well as a family unit and wanted to finish raising our two children. I can't say that there was extreme unhappiness, just that there was no joy in the relationship any longer and it wasn't coming back. There comes a time in life (call it mid-life crisis) when you step back at realize that the life you have is not the life you wanted. At that point you do one of two things. A)You come to terms with the life you have, accept it and try to make the most out of it, or B)you make the choice to leave the life you have in an attempt to create the one you want. It boils down to happiness. Sometime during our late thirties to early fifties we realize that if we are not happy now we had better do something about it or it will be to late. It's purely selfish. You have children at a vulnerable age. If divorce is unavoidable you need to consider the damage that can be done if this turns nasty. The best thing for them would be an ammicable parting. You can still function as a family without living together as husband and wife. If you let anger control you the children will suffer the consequences and you will end up emotionally spent. You are at the beginning and a year from now things will be different. You have choices to make. If you have no family to talk to or friends then come to this board where we will listen and try to help. Good luck and God bless.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2006
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 9:34am

I feel like a zombie. I am walking around in a daze wishing that I would wake up from this nightmare. I told husband on friday night "fine you want a divorce, whatever... I am not going to beg you to try and make this work." That is when he informed me that he wants primary custody of the kids. He figures that they are boys and are going to be teenagers soon and I already have problems getting them to listen to me. He says that he doesn't want to keep them from me, that we can split visitation 50/50. He doesn't want either one of us to have to pay child support.

My god, I am hurting so bad/ My heart feels like it is being ripped out of my chest. I love him so much. I just want him to give it one more chance and save our family. On one hand I want to beg him but on the other hand I feel like such a loser that I can't just let it/him go.

He wants to do the divorce on our own, without any attornys. Neither one of can afford a lawyer. Plus I don't want to go to court and drag it out. But, I don't want him to screw me either. The main thing that I am worried about is my kids. I don't want him to take my kids from me. I don't know what to do.

We have to do something with this house first. Neither one of us can afford to move out. We need to either sell it, file bankruptcy or just quit making payments and let it get foreclosed on. It is killing me living with him in the same house. I just want to kiss him, hug him, hold his hand, be close to him and make all of this go away.

Why, why why????

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2006
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 10:46am

I forgot to mention what hubby told me yesterday. He said that there isn't a "connection" there between us and has never been. WHAT?!?!?! We have been together for 15 years, yes we have had our problems (just like anyone else) but how can he say there has never been a "connection"? I told him that there had to have been a connection, otherwise we wouldn't have been together for as long as we have.

I have a counseling appointment for myself on the 20th, and I just started some new meds on saturday. I asked him if we could work on our selves and on our marriage. But he said that he is tired of trying. I don't know what he means, cuz I don't feel that he has really tried. He gets sucked into the computer playing games... he doesn't share his feelings with me. I didn't know if he was on the computer avoiding me or just releaving stress from work. Now I guess I know. What is wrong with me? Why won't he work on this marriage and try to get our marriage back on track. I don't understand how he can just throw this all away. What did I do that was so wrong?

I just want to crawl in a hole and die. I am tired of feeling like this... I am tired of crying. I just want this to end

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 11:35am

I have been told that we can't control what our spouses are feeling and we can't change it either. Answers to the questions aren't going to come and when they do they aren't going to be what we want to hear. It sounds to me that maybe your husband has left the marriage some time ago emtionally, and of course, didn't let you in on that fact. Same business with my ex. If he isn't willing to work on your relationship, than the one thing that isn't allowed is for him to call the shots either. You need to know that with kids involved and custody and all the other issues you will need an attorney. You can't let your husband tell you how it's gonna be. It would be great if we could have all settled our divorces without the expense of an attorney, but let me just say, when feelings and emotions get involved, and they do, you need someone on your side to help you make the right decisions.

Is there anyway that you can get to your counselor sooner? I can't imagine not having someone there to talk to. I feel horrible for you. Just know that I hit this site on a regular basis and we will all be here to help with what we can. I was with my ex for 25 yrs also. I can't imagine going through anything more painful as this ever again in my life. Your feelings are normal. Just think about the minute that you are in now and do what you need to do to get through it. Remember, we need to get through it for our kids and ourselves.

Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 12:21pm

Hi There - I just wanted to send you some ((((hugs))))). I know the pain you are feeling and the holidays seem to just multiply the intesity. My Dh of approx 8 yrs (together for 10) told me two weeks ago that he was leaving. I asked him to wait until after the holidays for the kids and he agreed (but he did physically leave for a couple of days before his change of heart). He too says that he loves me, respects me, finds me attractive, best mother in the world but just feels life is passing him by. He is 36 yrs old. I have tried very hard to meet his needs but bottom line, in his mind I just never measure up (and unfortunately he has spent 4-5 years telling me that). Strangely enough, even though this was his decision and he did not want to discuss it with me (he has always be a 'my way or the highway' kind of guy), I am finding now - two weeks later, that I am feeling much better about the prospect of the split.

As much as I have felt like a sitting duck with no control at all, it seems that there is an ebb and flow to this process. I am very concerned about my children and how this will affect their life, but for myself, I know I will be okay. I have survived many thing in my life (I have no family at all), I know I will survive this too. It won't be easy. In fact I have a feeling that it will be one of the hardest things I will have to go through, but I am committed making this as easy on my children as possible.

My heart goes out to you, it really does. I hope beyond hope that, with the passage of some time, that you find the light at the end of the tunnel that will help pull you through the dark times. Hang in there and visit this board as much as you need to to feel a connection with people who care.

(((((lots of hugs)))))
Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 11:25pm
I hear you Whyme...I get so pissed when people start in on the Divorce Cheerleading! I don't need someone to tell me how to screw him over, I can hire a lawyer to do that! I am still trying to save my marriage. I think it is insensitive to tell someone to move on or get over it! A friend is supposed to listen to you, take you out and get you drunk and hold your hair while you barf!
You will know when it is time to quit trying, till then try and hang in there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2006
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 9:58am

Debbs,

Thank you so much for understanding! I finally spoke with a friend, that understood what I am going through. She told me that I need to be proud of myself for going to the doctor on my own and getting back on my meds, and also for getting myself a counselor appointment. She told me that I need to take one day at a time and not think about divorce right at this moment. I need to think about what is important.... which is getting through the holidays and making them happy for my kids. Then I need to continue to think about myself and get myself well. She also told me that if I feel that I need to try one more time, or ten more times, to try and make this marriage work... then that is what I need to do. Because if I don't try then I will just kick myself in the butt later on. Se is completely right... I am NOT willing to give up on this marriage or my family. I am willing to do whatever it takes to extinguish every option that I have to make this work! I am not willing to just stand by on the sidelines and give up. It took two of us to get married and I am not going to let one of us decide that this marriage/family is over. I am going to do everything possible to make myself well (or at least better) and then I am going to work on this marriage.

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 1:33pm
WHy, I am sorry you are hurting so much. If I were you I would get a lawyer. You have got to protect yourself and your children. Find the money somewhere. I know that is easier said than done. Becareful. Be sure and take care of yourself during this hard time. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda