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|Sun, 12-29-2013 - 7:00pm|
Quick background info
been married 15 yrs, together 19, I brought a son into the marriage then we had one daughter. When she came along, it was mutually decided to become a SAHM, daycare being too expensive, So I gave up my career. Ive been home well over 14 yrs, been homeschooling for 8 of those.
The son has graduated and moved out. The girl is 14, in 9th grade and is still homeschooled. About 4 yrs ago I became sick, a yr of searching I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease and then a yr later my daughter was diagnosed. She has some Aspergers tendencies which come from the disease so sending her to school right now would not be a good choice at all.
In all the yrs of our marriage, communication has been non existent... If I have an issue or a problem then it is just that, My Problem. My hubby is self rightous in everything he does and if my thought process differs then Im the one in the wrong. Whether it be religion, politics, child rearing, etc, my word means nada. He preaches hate towards groups of ppl to the kids when im not around. They reallydont tolerate this well since Ive always taught them love is stronger than hate.
I became really sick last yr and was hospitalized for a month with surgery, when i came home he basically ignored me on the couch for 4-5 days, I had to ask for something to drink and it was like the end of the world to him. My daughter took care of me. When I called him out on it, it simply looked at the kids and said 'watch out the crazy B is at it again'. Pent up frustration and extreme hurt I guess can make one 'lose it' . Been like this forever with him, I dont expect him to be a nurturing Mama but an ounce of caring wouldve been nice. even afterwards when i was delerious with fever and asked if he could take me to the doc he said nope, gotta go to work and left. my step dad had to come get me AND i was admitted in the hospital again because i was so sick.
Yes, has always been a hardworker and provided financially for the family...thats pretty much it. im sure I havent always been a walk in the park either but I have grown a lot in this marriage, controlling my anger is a big one, but i have spent all this time raising the kids, keeping the home, trying to save a buck by couponing, doing w/o etc, never nagging about things not being done or his long absenses due to work.
ive tried so many times in the past to get him to talk about our marriage adn he never wants to, never convenient for him, ive suggested counseling and that was a hell no, i just dont think I can do this anymore. my health is getting worse, the only thing that flies out of his mouth is sarcasm and hate... im done.
so, what is my first step? I have some money in a savings acct in my name only, it would be enough to get me out of here. But I have no stinkin job. Contacting the daycare this week, maybe get in with their preK division since I am familiar with curriculum and the learning process. This is all i can think about to do because standing on my feet for 8 hrs is not possible, but moving around working w kids is.
Im going through stuff in the house, is this premature? just gathering things that are mine or family heirlooms, nothing obvious. Im not materialistic so I dont plan on cleaning him out.
im sick to my stomach writing all of this out, my daughter will be devastated, but ive stayed so long for her, is it right to keep doing that until she graduates? She doesnt like the way her dad treats me, thinks his behaviour is ugly and hateful but at the same time adores the man... for this i am thankful for because I never had a good dad relationship.
BTW, not sure this has any bearing but his father passed away this year (God rest his gentle soul) and my dad passed away last month. His mother is hard to deal with and doesnt like me (isnt that the norm? ha) and is being very over demanding of his time. AND the hubby has to go to court soon and pay large amounts of money to try to get something thrown out of court and is pissed that im not taking my measly little inheritance to pay for his lawyer. (he did something STUPID) His mother is loaded, my daughter and i have NOT have treatement for our lyme because of finances (although there was this time a few yrs back that he got money from them to buy a freaking motorcycle!!) imagine sick as a dog, feeling hopeless and get that thrown in your face. priorities i guess
sorry this sounds scattered but its just coming off the top of my head as I type.
so, yall think Im crazy for wanting to leave? If not, what other things do i need to have in place or do beforehand? Ive already told him that if we cant discusss our problems and try to save our marriage then the girls and i are leaving. (cue cricket sounds)