Need major advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2013
Need major advice
Sun, 12-29-2013 - 7:00pm

Quick background info

been married 15 yrs, together 19, I brought a son into the marriage then we had one daughter.  When she came along, it was mutually decided to become a SAHM, daycare being too expensive, So I gave up my career.  Ive been home well over 14 yrs, been homeschooling for 8 of those. 

The son has graduated and moved out.  The girl is 14, in 9th grade and is still homeschooled.  About 4 yrs ago I became sick, a yr of searching I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease and then a yr later my daughter was diagnosed.  She has some Aspergers tendencies which come from the disease so sending her to school right now would not be a good choice at all.

In all the yrs of our marriage, communication has been non existent... If I have an issue or a problem then it is just that, My Problem.  My hubby is self rightous in everything he does and if my thought process differs then Im the one in the wrong.  Whether it be religion, politics, child rearing, etc, my word means nada.  He preaches hate towards groups of ppl to the kids when im not around. They reallydont tolerate this well since Ive always taught them love is stronger than hate.

I became really sick last yr and was hospitalized for a month with surgery, when i came home he basically ignored me on the couch for 4-5 days, I had to ask for something to drink and it was like the end of the world to him.  My daughter took care of me.  When I called him out on it, it simply looked at the kids and said 'watch out the crazy B is at it again'.  Pent up frustration and extreme hurt I guess can make one 'lose it' .  Been like this forever with him, I dont expect him to be a nurturing Mama but an ounce of caring wouldve been nice.  even afterwards when i was delerious with fever and asked if he could take me to the doc he said nope, gotta go to work and left.  my step dad had to come get me AND i was admitted in the hospital again because i was so sick.

Yes, has always been a hardworker and provided financially for the family...thats pretty much it.  im sure I havent always been a walk in the park either but I have grown a lot in this marriage, controlling my anger is a big one, but i have spent all this time raising the kids, keeping the home, trying to save a buck by couponing, doing w/o etc, never nagging about things not being done or his long absenses due to work.

ive tried so many times in the past to get him to talk about our marriage adn he never wants to, never convenient for him, ive suggested counseling and that was a hell no, i just dont think I can do this anymore.  my health is getting worse, the only thing that flies out of his mouth is sarcasm and hate... im done.

so, what is my first step?  I have some money in a savings acct in my name only, it would be enough to get me out of here.  But I have no stinkin job.  Contacting the daycare this week, maybe get in with their preK division since I am familiar with curriculum and the learning process.  This is all i can think about to do because standing on my feet for 8 hrs is not possible, but moving around working w kids is.

Im going through stuff in the house, is this premature?  just gathering things that are mine or family heirlooms, nothing obvious.  Im not materialistic so I dont plan on cleaning him out.

im sick to my stomach writing all of this out, my daughter will be devastated, but ive stayed so long for her, is it right to keep doing that until she graduates?  She doesnt like the way her dad treats me, thinks his behaviour is ugly and hateful but at the same time adores the man... for this i am thankful for because I never had a good dad relationship.

BTW, not sure this has any bearing but his father passed away this year (God rest his gentle soul) and my dad passed away last month.  His mother is hard to deal with and doesnt like me (isnt that the norm? ha) and is being very over demanding of his time.  AND the hubby has to go to court soon and pay large amounts of money to try to get something thrown out of court and is pissed that im not taking my measly little inheritance to pay for his lawyer. (he did something STUPID)  His mother is loaded, my daughter and i have NOT have treatement for our lyme because of finances (although there was this time a few yrs back that he got money from them to buy a freaking motorcycle!!)  imagine sick as a dog, feeling hopeless and get that thrown in your face. priorities i guess

sorry this sounds scattered but its just coming off the top of my head as I type.

so, yall think Im crazy for wanting to leave?  If not, what other things do i need to have in place or do beforehand?  Ive already told him that if we cant discusss our problems and try to save our marriage then the girls and i are leaving. (cue cricket sounds)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2013
Sun, 12-29-2013 - 7:09pm

I forgot to add that I do not want the house but I do want the small chunk of land next to it (its deeded separate in both our names) my grandfathers inheritance paid for over half of it.  I bought his truck but I dont want it, I want to keep the vehicle im currently driving (in his name but no payments) and some child support would be nice.  Thats it, a hunk of land for the kids, my vehicle and child support... I dont want to break him, it would be nice if he could keep the house.  we have no credit card bills.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 12-29-2013 - 7:27pm

  Save yourself.  Get the divorce tomorrow.  Kids well let him have custody and no CS.  But you get alimony for 2 years (he can write that off his taxes) so it's a win win.  Plus you will have enought to reestablish yourself where ever you can.  It is important to get treated for lyme and to have decks cleared with out restrictions.  Many states will restrict where you can move to if you have custody.  These are things people do not consider when getting divorced.  I am a believer in fait acompli no discussion, action.  Go do nukes first



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2013
Sun, 12-29-2013 - 7:39pm

NOT having custody is not an option, Im responsible for her education, I understand her needs, medically and emotionally, he has shown repeatedly he cant handle any of that.  We are close, she loves her dad but will certainly decide to come with me.

and there is just the girl left, the boy is almost 21 and no longer lives here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 12-29-2013 - 8:09pm

Before you make any moves, consult a lawyer--it will either be free or low cost.  You are probably entitled to alimony in addition to child support due to the length of your marriage.  I don't know where xxxs got 2 yrs of alimony--in some states it's 1/2 the length of the marriage, but you have to check.  Can you really work?  If not you should apply for Social Security disability--but that takes a while to process.  If you do get SSDI, then I believe you will get an extra check for a dependent child if you are divorced.  When you say you don't want the house but want the land, I assume that the land with the house on it is worth more than the vacant land--you should figure out a fair way to divide the assets and don't just give over the most valuable asset (the house) just cause you want to get out.  The fact that your saving acct. is in your name doesn't mean it's not a marital asset but if it's only a small amt. of money, then you really need to make sure that you get your share of the rest of the property.

I can't think that staying a few more years would be beneficial for anyone.  Your DD will still be able to see and spend time w/  her father.  Is he nice to her?  I have an online friend (who used to be on this board) who stayed married until her DD graduated from high school and she regrets doing that now.  It left her with a lot of psychological damage and the dad doesn't even care about the kids anyway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Sun, 12-29-2013 - 11:56pm

I can only speak to what I did and what I should've done.  One of the reasons that I stayed was because I didn't want my then alcoholic husband to have visitation with our children.  He was a very high functioning alcoholic so I'm sure the court would've awarded visitation.  My husband could be very harsh and strict with our children.  I came home one day and he spanking out 12 y/o daughter.  She was crying so hard she was having an asthma attack.  I stepped in and stopped him.  I never saw this happen any other time but made certain it wouldn't happen in the future.  But I did stay with.  The children are now grown and gone and working on families of their own.

One daughter has spent many years in therapy due to the fact that I did not leave.  She doesn't understand why I stayed and subjected them to his temper.  Again, I never knew of another instance of any physical abuse and didn't know the full extent of their verbal abuse until recently.  Nonetheless, she has been very angry with me for not protecting her.  She and I have a good relationship now and when I leave she will be supportive.

The youngest is a different story.  She has never blamed me for his behavior or for my not leaving.  She accepts that he has a mental illness and that this is behind his behavior.  But then he was rarely harsh with her like he was the oldest.  I have no doubt that when I leave, she will become angry with me. 

Best wishes as you decide what/how to do all this.  I would recommend making a file with copies of all the financial statements and other legal documents for your lawyer.  If you are no longer living in the house, it will be difficult to get your hands on this stuff so start that now.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 12-30-2013 - 11:40am

I don't think you're crazy for wanting to leave, I think you're crazy for staying as long as you have.  As for your daughter's "adoration" of her can she adore him but hate how he treats you?  That makes no sense!  As Musiclover says, and she's an attorney so she should know......the FIRST thing you do is talk to an attorney.  He/she can tell you what your "rights" are in your state, and what you can expect to walk away with.  I don't know about "alimony".......I think in most states if you're able to work, you won't get any, no matter how long you were married.  In your case, with health problems, you might get alimony.  You know your husband better than an attorney, so you can also discuss how to go about getting what you want and need.  My attorney told me he'd have my husband pay the mortgage (we had 3 young sons) as well as child support.  I told him that I wouldn't see a penny of support nor would the bank get a mortgage payment, I knew because my soon to be ex was soooo mad that I had the audacity to divorce his nasty alcoholic cheating a$$.  I told the lawyer that I wanted the house put in MY name, and I would take care of the last 15 years of the mortgage.  Of couse, I was right.......and I never saw a penny of child support.  I had also been a SAHM by choice, but the day he was out the door is the day I went out and got my first job in 20 was minimum wage ($1.75 an hour in those days) but somehow we made it.  My boys had a roof over their head, decent healthy food, I paid for health care, and we never had a utility shut off.  It wasn't easy......but it gave me a lot of pride to show him that I could do it just as well as he had!  Better, because I was THERE for them, and I was sober! 

You're doing the right thing so far........get your important belongings together.  Find yourself a lawyer, ask around about who is a good divorce lawyer.  Some want a retainer, some will start for free.  In my case, I paid a retainer, but my ex was charged with all the attorney fees.  Your life can't get any worse, and with any luck, it will get better.  You've been living in hell for so long you've forgotten what it is to be happy.  I can tell you that after 20 years of marriage, about 18 of them miserable, I walked out of the courtroom feeling like a thousand pounds of weight had been lifted off me, and I have NEVER regretted it. My only regret is that I didn't do it much sooner!  I am retired now, and he passed away several years ago (alcohol will do that to you!)  I now get HIS social security check........and when we were married he made good money, but most went to bars and now every month when his big fat check comes in, I look up and say THANKS.....I'm finally getting what you owe me!!!

There is NO reason for you to stay with this man.......and every reason to get out ASAP!  Go for it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 12-30-2013 - 11:54am

It's not true that you can't get alimony if you can work--the court looks at the difference in the paycheck.  Many women take time off to raise the kids and put the DH's career first so maybe they went back to work at a later time--so if the DH makes $100,000 and the DW makes $25,000 she could still get alimony--it also depends on the child support payments.  Sometimes if the DH is paying child support there wouldn't be enough to pay alimony too, but the c.s. would end and maybe then he'll have to pay alimony.  In MA the guidline is about 30-35% of the difference between the two incomes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2014
Fri, 01-10-2014 - 8:25pm

The advice given to you so far is great; I just logged in to tell you what a strong person you must be to hang in there that long, especially with 2 kids. Not many people could put up with that treatment after giving up a career and homeschooling a kid. Stay strong, and take the advice here, especially re researching alimony laws in your state.  Women are usually entitled to half of the savings, investments, and income for at least half the length of the marriage. If you're in California, you're entitled to half of his income for life since you've been married over 10 years. Best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2014
Sun, 03-16-2014 - 1:03am

I have been in great bondage for almost 2 years suffering in the hands of a cheating husband,we were happy and leaving well until he meant his old time time girl friend and he started dating her outside our marriage before you knew it he stopped caring and taking care of his own family it was to the extent that now he was planning to get married to her and divorce his own wife, i have cried and reported him to his family but he never listened to any one but to cut my story short i came in search for a real spell caster who could destroy their relationship and make him come back to his wife and 2 kids on my search i saw people making testimony on how their marriage where restored by Priest Ajigar i pick his email and i narrated my story to him and he agreed to help me and after performing a spell on the third day they both had a quarrel and he beat his girlfriend up and he came home begging for i and my little kids to forgive him that his eyes are clear now that he will never do any thing that will hurt his family again and promise to be a caring father and never cheat again.I am so so happy that i did not loose him to the girl all appreciation goes to Priest Ajigar for you are a Great spell caster and to whom this may concern if you have a cheating husband or wife yo can find his email by typing Priest Ajigar on and contact him.