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| Thu, 06-22-2006 - 8:22am |
I really need some input from you guys about my friend's issue. Yes, really my friend!!
She's divorced because her XH abruptly ended the marriage. Two boys, ages 7 and 8. Her XH, whom I'll call "A" is now dating (dating, not engaged or married) a woman ("L") whom he says is "very important to him." My poor friend did not heed my advice about getting the post-divorce dating issues in writing, so legally she can't do anything but.... He assured my friend that sleeping arrangements would be handled respectfully on vacations.
A wants to take the boys to a FAMILY camp with L. Family camp where families sleep in cabins as families. My friend is against it. But the real issue is that A took the boys to visit his family and L went along. They had to stay in a hotel and the sleeping arrangements were one room with two double beds, the boys in one and A and L in the other.
What's everyone's gut reaction to this?
Edited 6/22/2006 8:23 am ET by callalily65

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I feel it's inappropiate for them to be in one big room with the boys in one bed and him and her in the other. My son is 3 and ex lives with his gf in a kitchenette, or studio whatever and I will not tolerate him having our son sleep in the same space as them. So for boys 7 and 8 no way. They as adults need privacy. God forbid they think the boys are sleep and decide to be intimate and what if the boys really arent. NO WAY. Im the same way for myself as well. It's about respect to the children. I wouldnt have myself and my bf in a bed and my child in another all in one room. He needs to get a grip. I feel this is worth fighting for.
It sounds to me that he really has moved on and wants to make L a significant part of his, and his kids, lives. I don't have kids - but I don't see anything wrong with what he's doing if he truly is serious about L.
If she's just a fling, maybe not then. Maybe another parent can recommend how your friend can talk to her kids about the situation? I can see where she might feel she's being "replaced" but you can never replace mom!
- JD
- J. Darling
Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr
callalily65...
PG thinks this issue needs to be worked out between your friend and her EX-HUSBAND.
You didn't indicate if your friend has primary custody of the boys OR if there's some sort of a 'shared child custody agreement' present?
But either way..."A" & "L" are making an attempt to get the boys to accept them as a couple, which probably is more of an irritant to your friend than the 'community style living arrangement' you've described?
If your friend can't do anything "legally"---she either has to accept her EX's honesty about the sleeping situation...or consult with a legal advisor?
Frankly...I think the boys are going to share whatever happens during the vacation with their Mom---upon their return? So your friend MIGHT be better off if she let's them spend a little quality time with their Dad?
She might have a 'stronger case when it comes to child visitation' later on?
Pianoguy
Thanks for that gut reaction! It's the way I feel as well. It's disrespectful, and in my feeling that children who see this behavior will model it in their teen years, and then how do you let them know that it's okay for a parent to do it, but not the teen/adult child?
My friend feels this way, too, but she's really torn as to fighting for this. She assured me that A would never do this and she didn't need it in writing... she regrets it now!
~calla~ mom to rosie and gracie
~calla~ mom to rosie and gracie
~calla~ mom to rosie and gracie
You know alot of times people get it confused thinking the moms are just upset that the ex's have moved on and we are just trying to cut out any interaction with our kids and the ow. I mean yes I was very hurt in the beginning and the thought of my little one being around the other woman fearing she would try to be mommy to him, but that is natural and hey sometimes that does happen. What intensified that fear thought was my ex handled the whole awkard situation very very poorly. He didnt give a crap that I needed time to adjust to the new situation. But if the shoe was on the other foot than it'd be different. When I starting spending time with a male friend you should have seen how ex acted. Claiming my friend sees his own son more than he does and it isnt right etc.
Im thinking that the issue here isnt that he's moved on, or she doesnt want the kids around them it's how he's handling it. I dont think he'd want his boys in one bed together and a few feet away she's in bed with her "friend". It's confusing to say "she's my friend that means alot to me". That's wrong right there to portray a picture that it's okay to sleep in bed with your "friends" and these are adults, it just doesnt look good. I hope she can reason with him. Are they able to communicate well? When having kids its soooo important to communicate. My ex makes it near impossible to do that so its a struggle for me. I wish her luck.
Oh, communication isn't good with them at all! He limits her contact with him to a single emai la week, and then complains if he emails her mid-week and she doesn't respond ASAP. He won't talk to her on the phone (not that she wants to).
My XH is on a need-to-know basis and I think there's very little he needs to know. He doesn't ever come to school functions so I don't tell him about them. He rarely helped with homework so I don't always share report cards with him. He doesn't come to doctor's appointments, so while I tell him they're upcoming, I don't remind him. But when he messes up with the kids, I'll tell him! He pulled a vacation with his GF (now NW) and her 3 kids and our 2 girls in a 2 bedroom condo. Rosie's counselor made it VERY clear that there was to be no adult co-sleeping until marriage because of the bad message it sends to children.
But enough about me!! You're right. Good communication would help tremendously, but this is a guy who doesn't have a TV (neither does she) because of all the bad things on TV and he's a walking soap opera! He evolved into this selfish person who only thinks about himself.
Not to mention the girlfriend who would actually sleep with him with his kids in the room! I wouldn't DARE do that with my guy and his sons unless there was only a single room available for miles and we were in sleeping bags on top of the covers!
~calla~ mom to rosie and gracie
I have the same worries. I would like to teach morals to my children but my gut says my stbx won't exactly back me up. It is inappropriate for them to be in the same bed and the same room as the boys and not be married. Unfortunately, she can't really do much about her XH morals. She just has to spend her life trying to be the good example.
I also agree that it isn't always about being hurt over the partner moving on. Yes, I will be hurt when stbx brings in my replacement even though I don't want to be with him. Yes, there will be feelings of jealousy and such. However, my major concerns about all of this revolve around him introducing a woman into my girls' lives and not taking the time to learn if she is a positive influence or if she will be in his life for long term. I have major concerns that while I am trying to teach my children that sex belongs in marriage, he'll be having "sleepovers." If he does it without my girls' knowledge...whatever. But here again, I don't have control over his morals. If I did, I would have made him into a better man and we would still be married. I just have to hope that I can serve as the good example.
Not to start an argument PG but many times we women have what seems to be issues with our exs moving on because they move on as if they have no responsiblities toward their kids. They can just take off and start over without any thought as to how all of this effect THEIR kids. They just do what they want to do when they want to do it. Meanwhile even though we might like to date, we don't get the free time to have a relationship without it effecting the kids so we have to choose not to have one. Any therapist will tell you that a new person shouldn't be introduced into the lives of the children until after dating 6 months to a year and after knowing it is going to be a "forever" relationship. We are moms and when our exs do things that are harmful to the emotional health of our kids, we will get angry and resentful. It has nothing to do with jealousy.
I've been divorced for over a year now. When my ex took his gf on the first trip with my sons, we had a discussion. I told him it would make it much easier on the kids (boys 9 and 10) if he would get a two-bedroom suite. They're too young to have their own room and there's no way they could share a room. Luckily my ex agreed to do that.
Your friend's ex is not thinking of the kids. The kids will end up resenting this other woman. The ex wants what he wants and doesn't realize that doing it his way will only end up having the opposite effect from the one he wants. The kids don't want to be in a room with a woman they hardly know. It will make them only want their mother more. This is what I told my ex. You just can't throw kids in a situation and demand they accept it. It's not fair. They don't need to see affection right now between their father and someone who is not their mother. Things should move slowly -- at a kids speed. (As you can see, I have very strong opinions on this.)
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