Need Reactions....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Need Reactions....
18
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 8:22am

I really need some input from you guys about my friend's issue. Yes, really my friend!!

She's divorced because her XH abruptly ended the marriage. Two boys, ages 7 and 8. Her XH, whom I'll call "A" is now dating (dating, not engaged or married) a woman ("L") whom he says is "very important to him." My poor friend did not heed my advice about getting the post-divorce dating issues in writing, so legally she can't do anything but.... He assured my friend that sleeping arrangements would be handled respectfully on vacations.

A wants to take the boys to a FAMILY camp with L. Family camp where families sleep in cabins as families. My friend is against it. But the real issue is that A took the boys to visit his family and L went along. They had to stay in a hotel and the sleeping arrangements were one room with two double beds, the boys in one and A and L in the other.

What's everyone's gut reaction to this?




Edited 6/22/2006 8:23 am ET by callalily65

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 10:13pm

Ah, you're a woman after my own heart! This is exactly how I feel about this issue!! I was, however, thinking that perhaps I was a bit old-fashioned and needed more input on the subject.

You know, I'm not perfect. I had sex before I was married. Heck, I was 17 and we hadn't even been dating that long. There were several before XH and I don't really regret it because I was emotionally ready for sexual relationships. While I'm teaching my daughters that sex before marriage isn't preferable, I'm not teaching them that it's wrong; just that they have to be responsible about it. But I am never going to throw it in their faces that I'm doing it!

I'm so glad I have that no sleepover clause in my agreement, but you wanna know something? It wasn't my idea. I, like so many others, never gave it a second thought! I never thought it would be an issue. XH, on the other hand, thought that because 90% of my friends were guys and several of them were single, that I'd be parading men in and out of my house in full view of the girls! Funny!

And it's not just Dads doing this. My guy's XW has been dating with their boys since about 15 seconds after he finally pulled the plug on their relationship.

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 10:16pm

woohoo! *clapping* I LOVE this response. I'm going to print it out and post it because I think I need to use some of this with my XH right now!

"You just can't throw kids in a situation and demand they accept it. It's not fair."

Perfection!

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 8:27am
I am not perfect either. I did not save sex for a special relationship and it did not serve my life well. I've made LOTS of mistakes in my life but being an ADULT, I try to LEARN from them so I can set an example for my daughters. The reality is, people that are sexualized too early generally have lots of problems later on in relationships and with their self esteem. Being exposed to the sexual life of their parents IS sexualizing children. As parents we should be setting an example. Even if the adults are only sleeping, it sends the wrong message and can be very confusing for kids. I am sure there are plenty of people that disagree with me and that's ok but your original post asked for my gut reaction so I gave it LOL!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 9:46am

*L* I'm with you! I feel the same way and I was really glad to read your wonderful gut reaction!

It's nice to hear differing opinions, but it's also nice when you find some "stranger" who feels exactly the same way that you do!

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 3:06pm
Thank you. The last couple of years of my marriage was so miserable that I was depressed, doing only what needed to be done. When we decided to divorce (I actually had no choice -- he wouldn't agree to marriage counselling, he had a girlfriend that I found out about after the divorce was final) it was a relief. It actually energized me. We didn't love each other. I was really able to put the kids first. No games. It would be all about them. Anyway, what surprised the hell out of me was that this selfish man actually puts a bit of stock into what I say when it comes to the kids. He realizes that I'm really putting them first and it's not out of any kind of revenge or jealousy -- none of that -- that I offer up my opinions. But, I have to give a lot of thought to how to put it. I have to show him how it is in his best interest to do it my way. "Go slow; they will resent her less." That sort of thing. Who knows, maybe that could work for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 5:58pm
*L* You're very lucky! I tried that. He resented everything about me after the separation and would do anything opposite of what I suggested. I wasn't about to try reverse psychology!!! It's great to hear success stories! And my friend isn't really in a position to try it with her XH, either. He thinks he's a god..... everything HIS way and never willing to put the kids desires first. I think he's got that mentality that they'll get over everything!

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 1:44am

Unless they were doing "inappropriate acts" (such as having sex or other sexual natured things that would be inappropriate for a child to see, even if it were their married parents), there's not a lot she can do.... and from what my attorney told me, even if it was in the agreement, most likely a judge wouldn't want to even hear a case brought up because "he slept in the same hotel bed with his girlfriend" because it's so commonplace now.


My suggestion is for her to work on her EX by playing the good co-parent advocate and reminding..... not now, but some other time when it's not a recent issue, her EX that setting certain kinds of examples helps to steer the kids in the right direction for their adult lives.


Good luck!..... by the way.... how are you and yours????? :-)

Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 6:33am

Nice to see your name on the board, Karen, even if you are ON VACATION!

You're right, a judge wouldn't do anything, but her plan is to bring this up in mediation. Yes, the divorce is final, but they still have many unresolved issues, so they still mediate.

I saw her this weekend and she informed me that before THEY got married, he wouldn't sleep with her (literally or Biblically) until they were married, so now I find what he's done completely intolerable. Where'd those morals go???????

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

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