Need some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Need some advice
3
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 11:14pm

I went to the marriage counselor tonight. My husband decided he wanted to go to a friend's house instead of for counseling, so I went alone. This was only our 3rd session and the counseling was originally just supposed to be for me. After explaining things to the counselor, and with her observations she asked me to just listen to what she had to say. She believes my husband is bipolar. He does have irradic cycles he goes through sometimes, and is a recovering alcoholic. His father was bipolar and schizophrenic, his brother is bipolar and his sister is clinically depressed. She believes he has these issues also and that is why he has gone from the loving husband who adored his wife, to the man who no longer feels any passion for his wife, and states he never has. I've had my suspicions and his sister has been telling me for a while that she believes he has this illness. I have read a bit on the illness and know what his father went through, which was worse than anything I've ever seen anyone experience mentally in my life. My question is, I'm starting to get a little scared. I was relieved at first to know what was wrong, but the counselor had to explain what a serious illness it is and how, even with medication, they can still have episodes, though usually not as severe. Has anyone else ever encountered this illness? The counselor also told me that he needs individual psychotherapy and meds and until he is stabilized, marriage counseling will not really help him or I in his current mind-frame, so suggests that I tell him he MUST leave and must have a structured schedule for visitation with my daughter. She said structure is the one thing that he will rebel against, but one thing that might help him get some help.

He has already told my daughter, who is almost 16 that he would be at the house all the time, except to sleep (this he told her while I wasn't home). I don't know how to bring this up to her and let her know that life will not be like her dad is saying without looking like a complete jerk. Right now, he is kind of living in a fantasy world where he believes everything will still be the same, except he will sleep elsewhere. He also said we would always be a family, since we are all so close and love each other so much. Any advice on how to explain this to my daughter? She has been through so much already, this is really breaking my heart thinking of what it will do to her. She's always been daddy's little girl. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks for all the help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 12:00am
When you have someone who is Bi polar, you never know what will set them off. Stress is usually the trigger. Drinking is common. You just have to know how YOU can handle it. I have found that walking away is MY best solution. I have a brother, child and my former husband was Bi polar. They can fly off the handle at the slightest thing. Frustration is another trigger.
With my child I can usually tell them to calm down, breath deep, calm down. But this does not work for all. Also their attention is that of a knat. I make them repeat back what I said, especially if it important. They fight being on Meds. It is very common. They have to go for counseling. You should be able to find someone for your daughter. It would help.
They too, need someone to talk to. Understanding their problem will really help. Read, as much as you can about it. Keep up the counseling, it will help you, too. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 7:30am
Thanks so much for the advice. I have read some on bipolar disease and to be totally honest, it scares me to death. I feel really bad for him, and he does seem lost, but I'm also coming to realize he is very manipulative and a great actor when he feels like this. Its sad that after almost 20 years of marriage I'm just coming to this realization. My counselor told me that I need to get past the 'help him' stage. I am a helper and when I see someone in trouble, I'm the first one to try to rescue them. That's where my head is at now, and I need to stop. He is supposed to leave Friday and I plan to tell him I can have no contact with him after we separate. This is just so sad, since when he isn't going through one of these cycles, he is the most amazing man anyone would ever want to meet. Thanks again for the advice. I think I'm going to go to the library to check out some books on the disease.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 7:44am

Oh my dear, I am so sorry.

No, I don't have experience, except to say I am pretty sure my stbx is bi-polar and in a very serious manic phase (the divorce, the pricey apt. he rented and cannot afford), the multiple credit cards he has opened and charged up on clothes, electronics, books, etc.).

If I were you, I would talk to a lawyer about what you can do in terms of a custody agreement to help your stbx and protect your children.

For example, I am asking that both my stbx and I be "in counseling" at least once a month; I am asking that my stbx have regular appointments with a qualified psychiatrist (this isn't unreasonable since he is already on major meds). I may not get what I am asking for, but at least I am trying.

I think it would be reasonable, also to say your stbx needs limited access to your home (i.e. not there every day on his whim). You and your kids need some space.

My stbx is on multiple meds for other issues (add, depression, etc), but not being treated for bi-polar. He hasn't seen his psychiatrist in almost six months (the guy mails him his prescriptions). So, he isn't getting treated appropriately and, sadly, I think may be heading for bankruptcy and psychological chaos.

I ache mostly for my kids.

GL

M