need some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2004
need some advice
4
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 12:21am
Hi,
I'm Kate SAHM,25 and I have 2 beautiful boys, Dominic 3 years and Vinnie 9 months. My husband and I have had problems since the baby was born 9 months ago. We are at the point now where he has moved out and just comes to see the kids. I have found out he has been "talking" with another woman for quite sometime, about 7 months or more. He denies everything, even his cell phone bill with her number on it several times. I have seen a lawyer, paid the retainer fee and my lawyer contacted his. Sounds like a done deal, right? Not really...I'm having second thoughts about this. I have 2 very young children and Im very hurt over this. I know I will be fine on my own and I'm planning on going back to school. I just can't file for divorce. I have had 2 appt.s to file and I cancelled both, like I get cold feet. IM angry with him, but I get sad when I see other familes out with their kids and I'm alone. He has said and done many awful things to me.
My husband says he wants this, but he hasn't filed for divorce and I doubt he plans on it.
He says he wants 50/50 custody of the kids and I will not agree to this. Does anyone know if the father gets this a lot? I couldnt stand to be away from my kids for weeks at a time.Any advice or thoughts are appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
In reply to: kate923
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 8:06am

It really sounds like with some counseling and effort on both parts, you may be able to work things out. Is he willing to go? Because it sounds like neither of you actually want to divorce...you're just both very hurt and angry right now.



I'm not trying to scare you, but if the dad really wants it and fights hard enough, this happens often. I have an 11 year old son, and this is the custody arrangement we now have. It hurts a lot at first, but it is survivable. Just keep in mind that it is a possibility. Also, many fathers say they want 50/50 custody just to scare the other spouse into submission. He may not really want it.


Hugs, and hang in there.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: kate923
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 11:59am

hi there kate. i was wondering - what are the actual 'problems' that arose 9 months ago? what caused all this tension and troubles between you - what caused him to leave?

if you want to stay married to him - you need to *fix* whatever the problems were. and, as christine suggested - counseling would help you both out. even if the all the counseling would do would be to help you move forward toward divorce - it would be worthwhile, because it would help you to sift thru all the emotions and make a decision. also - getting things out in the open would help you and your husband to be better co-parents.

as for the 50/50 custoday - the important thing is what would be in the children's best interest. i hope you can both move past the anger and frustration and understand that point.

if you could give more information, i could help you better.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
In reply to: kate923
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 2:16am

Hi Kate,

Divorce veteran here and a survivor. I would strongly encourage the two of you to see a marriage counselor. It's not a quick fix but there's a lot more to your situation than meets the eye. Chances are you both haven't made clear your expectations for the marriage. He sounds like he's running away from your family and you sound surprised at his disinterest. You both need someone who can help you get things out in the open and talk about them. Your marriage IS worth saving.

Best wishes,

Wisdomtooth

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: kate923
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 11:05am
Hi wisdomtooth... good to see ya!

Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~