Need some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Need some advice
12
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 9:27am

Hi everyone, I need some advice.
Here's the history
My stbx and I seperated on Aug 20th,2005. He had been gambling throughout the marriage and even though I tried to support him (going to gamblers Anon and marriage counselling) he stopped going to counselling. He moved out suddenly and I soon found out he was dating another woman. I was still trying to get things worked out with him. I didn't know what was going on. Anyhow he got engaged after one month. He denies he dated her while we were together, but I think that actually makes it worse. We do not even have any divorce papers. I don't even think he has a lawyer.
Here's the problem:
After over two months of no contact,(because the last time we talked, he told me how he had shown all my personal email I sent him to his new gf. I had sent him email discussing personal issues in our marriage, trying to work things out, and he even made me believe he was considering it. But the whole time he was forwarding all my emails to her.
Anyhow, like I said after two months of no contact what-so-ever he sent me an email.
Here it is:
" Hi May I call you or even meet up with you? Would like to talk, I think about you often. If yes just RE the email If no I will understand ."
My response:
".....talk about what? Then will decide..."
His response:
"I want to apologize for many things; for not having the class to treat you with the respect you deserve.
I want to tell you that our marriage ment alot to me and that I was always proud to call you my wife and to be with you in public.
I have always felt your pain and the pain that I caused you is almost unbearable to me.
If you think I want to clear my consiuons It is not true I have to do that on my own. I just think you need know that I really cared and you mean alot to me.
You told me I never said good bye I guess thats because I always figured we would be involved in each others life some how.
I don't know if you want to talk about these things let me know."

Advice?:
So I don't know what to do. He did not want to return any of my calls when we first seperated, he would not pick up his "stuff" from the our house. He left me with all the debt. i refinanced the house, but if I were to sell it now I would still owe money because of his gambling. I know from people talking that his wedding date is within the next four months. What do I do?
I know for a fact he has not told anyone about his gambling, not even his parents which he considers close to him.
How should I handle this? Should I talk to him or what?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2005
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 7:29pm
I new here but saw your post...Im currently going thru the same thing, but mine would not leave me alone. I'd take the quiet anyday.
Anyways, how can he get re-married if your not even divorced. He stuck you with his financial mess, and now he wants to talk?? I wouldn't but thats your call.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 7:35pm

I'm new here, but are you sure she didn't dump him and he's looking for a way back? My stbx would pull something like that without letting me know he was dumped. Maybe she found out about the gambling...

Good luck!
Michele

Community Leader
Registered: 09-25-2003
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 8:36am
My guess is that either he got into a fight with his gf or he wants money. His past behavior is who he is...a leopard doesn't change his spots. He left you once. Even if you got back with him, he will leave you again. That's my 2 cents. Take it for what it's worth.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 11-19-2005 - 12:09pm

i don't know what he is up to. but the point is that if he has a gambling (or any other ) addiction - he needs to deal with the addiciton. he can apologize all he wants - in fact, that is par for the course for addicts. but if he doesn't CHANGE his life, its always going to be the same.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Sat, 11-19-2005 - 1:56pm
I think you should talk to him. But you do the talking and not the listening. Let him know what he did to you was wrong and how it made you feel and let all your anger and emotion that you have been feeling out. This is your opportunity to let it all out. I dont think you should reconcile with him if that is what you really want until he gets help. Just my opinion.....DESI
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Sat, 11-19-2005 - 7:52pm
it sounds as though you've come a long way. you know who he is; you realize what he's done to you; you know he's got his gambling addiction, etc. why give him the satisfaction of allowing any conversation? it will set you back. put yourself first. good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 7:59pm

....everyone, thanks for your advice. I don't know how he can get engaged while he is not even divorced, and people around him seem to accept it like its normal. He had only left the house one month before this happened. Also I do feel like letting him do the "listening" while I tell him how hurtful he has been and how wrong he has been.
And in the end I too beleive there is some other motive.
Anyhow, I did consider all the advice and right now I am not going to talk to him.

BUT I have an UPDATE -- warning LONG --- ....since he did open the door to communication, I took the chance and wrote him a seperate email to find out why he did not complete the paperwork for the insurance. I was having a hardtime getting him off my insurance. Anyhow I mentioned they still had him on and how hard its been to get this straightened out. So he writes me back saying he will go down there right away and get it fixed. So a day later I get the call from the broker that stbx had went there and did all the necessary paperwork AND he gave them his credit card number to pay for the insurance....not just the two months that he was on, and did not get the paperwork done, but for the whole next year, for my car and the house.
Well I couldn't beleive it and waited until the card cleared before writing him back.
Wrote him back to thank him for getting the paperwork done and said thanks for paying the bill as I still had all the OTHER bills (that he had racked up 'cause of his gambling, but I left that part out).
He writes back and says he's sorry he did not get it straightened out earlier. He also said that he was also sending me a check to pay the gas bill on the house for December and January, 'cause he knows how I like to keep the house warm. Then signs the email with "Thinking of you".

So now what?!?!?!?! I do not know what is going on. From all other gossip (small town), he's still engaged and there are still no divorce papers.
But what is this about? Does he want to get back together? Is he trying to be the nice guy even though he totally gambled our future away and then cheated on me?
I am confused and I had tried to get him back earlier in the breakup...do you think he is trying to use those old feelings to con me again...gees I don't know....any ideas?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2003
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 11:32am

I would advise you to be very careful. Even though he is still legally your husband, it doesn't sound like he is trying very hard to work out his problems or the marriage. It does sound as if he has either had a sudden feeling of guilt for how he treated you, or he may have had a fight with his GF and wanted to be sure that you were still waiting in the wings for him. My STBX did the same thing with me, but for all of the talk that he did about reconciling, he never took any concrete steps towards making it happen. I truly believe that if someone really wants to be with you, they will do everything in their power to make it happen, not just lip service.

It is a good thing that your H has paid some of the bills for you. Again, that may be the guilt working on him, but at least he has taken responsibility for a part of his debts. As for the pending wedding, he has to get a divorce first before he can marry anyone else. For all you know, he could be stringing along the new GF while he continues to deal with his gambling and the breakdown of his marriage. Take care of yourself and realize that your H has to be responsible for himself and his own actions. If wants to come back, then there are a number of things that he will have to change. If he is unwilling to do that, is he really the type of man that you would consider getting back together with if he did try to stir up old feelings? Be careful and trust your gut.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 12:05pm
I think he's feeling guilty for treating you poorly. I wouldn't settle for being "seconds" and would try to move on with my life if I were you. You deserve so much better. Let him pay the bills and try your best to LIVE your life! It it helps, see a therapist - that's what I'm doing through my divorce process.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 4:41pm
...you know I know logically you are all right but my heart just aches.
I still love him but your right if he really wants to change anything he will have to make the steps to do it. I was just getting used to the heartbreak when he started on this again...now I am confused and frustrated. I do want him back but only if he changes, but I don't know what his motivation is in the emails....just to be on "friendly" terms because he can't stand someone out there that disagrees with his "image" of the "good guy" ...or does he want to come back and it trying to test the waters.
Would you say if he really wanted to come back would he try to come back with a full court press or just slowly feeling me out?
I am trying to take care of myself but these little things still confuse me....and maybe its something little to him but to me I exaggerate it...could that be part of the grieving process of the ending of our marriage?
-- thanks to all for the advice, you've helped me see it from a different angle.
(((HUGS)))

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