Need some advice/support

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Need some advice/support
4
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 11:33am

I'm new to the board, but I need some advise ladies. I have been married coming this May for 3 years to a younger man, I'm 31 he's 25. I come from a middle class background, all the women in my family are very strong, determined and the men passive and laid back. My husband comes from a very low income, kind of family that their men are "men's men", they talk bad to their women, no respect for anyone, sue happy, no working kind of people (welfare, but they don't need to be on it,) I met my husband at work and he seemed very sweet and we fell in love, got married. I got pregnant immediately after our marriage and that is also when his TRUE self came to light. He to this day yells and screams at me about just about everything, we once discussed the counseling issue with a precher and he said that he didn't need counseling, I was the problem not him. I must just be off in the head or something.

I made my first step for divorce, I'm actually going to speak to a lawyer today. I'm really feeling scared and nervous, I can't let him know what I'm doing because he'll take off with our son just to hurt me. I really feel deep down that I'm a better person than this and I need to get away from him for me and my son, but then on the other hand I do care about him and am scared I'm making a wrong decision. When he's a jerk and is calling me a whore or bitch in front of my son, I have no problems seeing why I need to divorce him, but at the other times, I need someone to help me, give me some courage to do this once and for all.

Can anyone give me some words of encouragement or hope. I feel like I'm going against my vows, I feel guilty, I don't know what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 3:14pm

Hello and welcome to the boards.


I am sorry you are going through this.


My best advice is, if you feel like you have done 100% of all you can do to try to save the marriage and you can look at yourself in the mirror and FEEL that statement, you are doing the right thing.


It is scary, making this life change. THe future goes from being known to being unknown. Get an attorney behind you and make decisions smart and based on what YOU want.


Hugs and good luck to you, you can do this!


Angelena



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 8:24am
Hi, I am new to this board.I just read your post and I had to write.I think you are doing the right thing by leaving.My soon to be ex is a very abusive person.We have 5 kids
and have been married for 16 1/2 years.I have been a stay at home mom for all that time.My kids have suffered WAY too much.I had to get out now.I just filed for divorce last week.Life is way to short to be unhappy. You deserve to be happy.So does your son.Don't feel guilty, you need to do whats best for your son and for you. Hugs, bugzie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2005
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 9:48am
I honestly don't think that he respects you by what he says to you even in front of your kids. When you love someone, you don't treat them this way. Do you want your son to grow up talking to his wife or to you like your H does?
Life is too short to be in a relationship where you are not really happy or treated with respect. And I'm not talking about the pretend happiness.... The "it's not so bad" happiness. If you truly love him inside and out, then make him go to counseling and get help. And if you do believe you have given 100% to try to fix the relationship, then it's ok to move on. But it sounds to me like you already know what to do, just need to do it. I know you feel guilty. This is normal. Believe me, it's painful to leave, but even more painful to stay. There's a book called "Should I stay or should I go". It's very good reading and puts things into perspective. I recommend it.
Side note......My Attorney told me some terrific advice. She told me to have a tape recorder with me when my ex was drunk, stoned or verbally abusing me. She said to keep all the tapes with the dates and times. I don't know what state you live in, but where I live, it's ok to tape something as long as one party (me) knows that the taping is happening. Keep that for evidence. And file paperwork that prohibits him from taking your son anywhere otherwise he'd be in violation and be put in jail.
Good luck! Keep strong! Don't let him beat you up mentally any more!!! And don't believe what he says to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 11:57am

I really appreciate the words of encouragement. I know what you mean by the "it's ok for now" happiness. I know that I've been hurt and I know what I should do for me and my son, but the guilt over hurting someone else/ kicking them to the curb is really tough for me. Funny it seems so easy for others to hurt you, but I'm not a hurtful kind of person. Guess that would explain why I stayed for so long.
Well, I've got a few weeks before I have a place to move too, so I'll have to put up with a little more, but I can do it. If I can put up with it for 3 years, I can do a few more weeks.

Thanks again