need some encouragement

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
need some encouragement
2
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 4:54pm

I'm new to this board and am having a rough day in the course of my separation and divorce and just wanted to write...hoping for a little lift or words of support from other like-minded individuals.

I'm legally separated from my H and on September 2, we can go ahead and finalize the divorce. I've ridden the myriad emotions over the last 11 months and have begun to feel a shift inside that feels really hungry for some down time in my life to just be, to just sit quietly and process this last year, work through some of the uglier emotions I feel toward myself (the guilt, the shame, the fear) and to really listen for what's next for me...I was married at 21 and am now 28, so life is just begninng...I hope!

Anyway, in the last year I moved out, delayed my entry into a nursing program at the university in town, went to massage therapy school and now am caring for a man who has rectal cancer. My committment to him is done in 4 weeks (it was a 3 month situation while I studied for the board exam for massage). When I'm done there in the beginning of September, I'm moving back to my hometown for a few months to house-sit for a friend who will be traveling. I'm loving the opportunities for all of these experiences and changes and I'm craving some time to myself to look at all of those things I mentioned. After I'm done house sitting, the world, literally, is at my fingertips. I have nothing holding me back and I have this amazing new skill, massage, to take anywhere I want.

And then today I come back to the town in which I owned a home with my H to take some pictures of some furtniture we're selling and I found myself alone in this almost empty house (H has also moved out and is selling the house) and I was struck with this immense fear of looking back on life, standing in a symbol of my security and stability, the house, and feeling so unbelievably transient in the design of my life these days that I thought "Will I ever be able to own my own home again? Will I ever know security in the form of a home that is all mine?" That spills over into wondering if I'll find a mate and a relationship someday that will truly be magnificant. I thought I had that with my H, but realized I was much too young to know what I was promising...and the love ended up being a sweet friendship and nothing deeper. Our parting has been a blessing.

But I am so afraid of just ending up stagnant and ungrounded. Does anyone else look at the freedom that they've claimed in leaving their marriage, but also being so terrified by the glare that is the unknowns of a future on your own? I have to remind myself that I have all the tools I need to be the person I want to be, but sometimes I stand frozen in this absence of self-confidence.

I never imagined this much pain was possible in a period of such growth...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 5:11pm

Everything you imagine, IS possible. And yes growth often involves incredible pain. And yes having some time for peace and reflection in order to plan for the future -- I know that yearning. And it is important to do with such tremendous changes.

I think you are insightful and articulate and taking care of yourself now and for the future.

GL,

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2007
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 11:09am
Although I am at the very beginning of obtaining first a separation and then a divorce once we've been separated for one year, I also have some of the same feelings that you have so eloquently expressed. While I was in the "thinking" about divorce stage (lasted over 3 years) I too wondered many times about my future. And I am still wondering as I move forward. But, I have made up mind to take one day at a time. Thinking about what life will be like in a month, six months or even a year can be too overwhelming; I worry about everything! So I have to take it one day at a time. You sound as though you have handled everything so far with grace. I think everyone who has gone through or who is going through a divorce has days where they are confused and not sure. But, stay positive! It really sounds like you have a wonderful future ahead and you sound like you've really got it all together.