Need some help/advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2004
Need some help/advice
8
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 10:12pm
Ok...Im really confused. My husband left me almost 3 months ago, I think for another woman. I have seen the phone bills and someone followed him to her house one night when he was still living with me. We have very young children together, a 4 year old and 11 month old. Anyway, Im not sure if hes still seeing this girl, but we have both filed for divorce. It all seemed soo sudden and with a small baby my head was spinning. He would never talk about anything, everytime I brought something up, he would leave or say hes too tired to talk about it. So, I feel like I never had closure from this.
I know I will be fine without him, but I can't stop thinking about all the memories we made together and with our children. I still love him and part of me wants him to come home crying and saying how sorry he is for what he's done. The other part wants to move on and live my life, and I know what he has done is wrong and I feel relieved that I dont have to put up with it. He acts like he doesn't care, like he comes in and out of our house, gets stuff out of the refrigerator, makes conversation with me.
HOw can he not care about me? Was I THAT bad, I had an infant when he started this stuff, what kind of man does this? I just feel like he should be begging for my forgiveness, but he never has. HOw can he just turn off his feelings for me one day? He got mad tonight because he said I was mean to him and he did a lot for me today. How am I suppose to act,when Im dying inside. Please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 8:11am

kate923...

First...PG would like to reinforce the fact that NOT EVERY MAN BEHAVES THE SAME WAY AS THAT OF YOUR HUSBAND!

Most of us prefer to have the love and support FROM ONE WOMAN ONLY!

Since you are in the process of filing for divorce, please repeat this mantra to yourself at least 3 times a day:

"I DID NOTHING WRONG...I GAVE HIM ALL I HAD...BUT IT WASN'T ENOUGH!"

Now that I think of it, this can apply to ANY breakup...or an employee who was 'recently removed' from a long-time position!

Trust me on this...you will "weather this storm" and will be CONSIDERABLY STRONGER once the seas are calmer.

Best wishes and warm thoughts...

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2006
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 10:30am

I hope you have an attorney..? If not I would be looking for a good one!! He has his attorney and he seems like he is intending on going thru with his divorce. :( When you get your attorney I would limit his comings and goings by appointment only! He sounds like he is tuning you out and being very rude and disrespectful of your feelings! I would get advice from a good attorney first.

Huggs and Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 10:58am

If you haven't yet, please go for some counselling. It really can help.

The most important thing is for you to be able to rebuild yourself to the best you can be. Do this for you and the kids.

As for his returning- if he did return how long would your relief really last? I know people can work through infidelity issues, but I don't believe that even those people can claim that there are no aftereffects. The trust is destroyed, your self esteem is damaged,worst of all, you seem to feel responsible for his behaviour- and that's a problem.

Please take care of yourself, and let whatever happens with him work itself out with time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2006
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 11:44am

Giggles...sorry to say I am not the one in need of counseling ;/ I think you responded to the wrong post....

~smiles~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 2:14pm
Kate923, my husband walked on me 3 months ago so I know how you feel we also have a small child and I have bent over backwards to make this marriage work while he continually caused problems that I had to fix. He also is very passive when he comes around and even smart alikey at times. I know its hard, but just think about all you wont have to endure any longer with him out of your hair, and he may be smiling now and running around having an affair but remember what goes around comes around and when he comes to reality he will be more hurt then you ever were. Like someone else said repeat to yourself whenever you feel down "I did nothing wrong, I gave him my all" and over time you will feel better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2006
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 4:48pm

Mine started an affair when my daughter was an infant - I had bled out during the delivery and had to have emergency surgery - then we couldn't get the right dosage for the pill and i had a 3 month long period - since he wasn't getting much action.....


I can only say, if I had a dollar for everytime I asked him what was wrong with me - I could hire a really good divorce lawyer!!! So take a little comfort right now just knowing tht you're not crazy. My husband has been gone for 4 months - I still have those "breakdowns"... I hope it's just not as much as before... But thinking about it can absolutely drive me to the verge of maddness...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2006
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 9:11pm
My heart goes out to you...I know it's hard right now and nothing can ease the pain but time. I'm 18 years and three children (12, 10 & 7) into my marriage and am right where you are now. We never know what lies ahead for us and the most important thing you can do right now is to love and be there for your little ones as well as gather as much support (family, friends, professional, etc.) as you can to weather the storm. Listen to the part of you that wants to move on and live your life...you can and will do it and be a stronger woman and mother for it. What he did has nothing to do with you, it was his insecurity and weakness and you deserve much better. Hugs and best of luck to you...Stacey
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 9:58pm

What kind of man does this? Not the kind you want to be married to for the rest of your life. Trust me, if it happens once and he comes crawling back promising you the world. Don't believe him. This is just the beginning and the trust and intimacy that you once shared will never be there again. I stayed for twenty five years with a man like that. We were fine as a family group, we loved our children and were good parents. As soon as our daughter was out of school, I left. You can stay with him for the kids or for whatever reason you feel is justified. He may come back. But you are going to be an unhappy woman for a long time. You will be fine without him and understand that you need to grieve for the death of a life you were not ready to leave. Good luck.

Deb