Need some perspective
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| Thu, 04-06-2006 - 2:22pm |
Ugh - I just deleted my whole message - here it goes again. I need some perspective:
My DH and I have been together almost 13 years and married for almost 9. We have a 7yo DD. We have two fundamental issues.
Our relationship - we function as roomates who share in childcare duties. We never seem to have fun together or do much together as a couple. We have similar likes in being in the mountains and skiing but he likes to do everything at an extreme level where I'm more laid back. Over the years I've tried to set up dates, make efforts to do things as a couple but it feels like he never makes a return effort. I've pretty much stayed with him because of DD.
Parenting: We have fundamental differences in our parenting style. He is very strict and see's things as black or white. He wants family dinners every night, no TV, only healthy food and DD to be more independent. It bugs him that I bring her her tooth brush so that she can brush her teeth. He feels like she should go get it. He feels that DD should eat everything we give her period. I'm a bit looser. I don't have the energy to cook every night (I work full time). I feel that while DD has to try everything that is made if she tries and and does not like it I don't force her to eat and and will give her an alternative. He feels if she does not eat, she goes hungry. I don't want to make food an issue and I certainly don't eat food that I don't like. The list of things that we disagree on goes on and on. A more fundamental issue is that things fester with him and then he will explode - usually in front of DD (and he wonders why she has a temper?) He has on at least 4 occasions blown up and said he is leaving us - the last being a few days ago while we were on vacation (he blew up and left). While I don't condone DD's behavior his certainly does not help.
Last night we had a long talk where he presented me with his list of parenting things that needed to change or it was over. When I suggest compromise (like perhaps family dinner 3-4 nights a week) or other compromises like maybe only a half hour of TV per day he shot back that he see's things as black and white. While I sound reasonable he knows if it's not his way it will start festering again until he blows up. I also tried to get the discussion to the more fundamental issue - our relationship. I have tried to get him to go to counseling but he has not. I'm seeing someone and suggested he come with me. He finally acknowledged that perhaps he has issues and maybe should see someone. He was not comfortable going to my therapist who is female. I said I would go to whoever he wants - but I also feel that he needs to take the step and set up the appoinment.
My question - how long do you hang in there? I feel like the situation is affecting DD. Things are so much easier at home when DH is away. I feel like I've given this my best shot but I'm not seeing any change. In going back through my journals I've had an issue with DH temper prior to marrying him.
When is enough enough?
Thanks for listening,
Nancy

Hi and welcome,
The only thing that comes to mind is you need to answer your own question..
"When is enough enough?"
K:)
I kinda agree with Life...everyone's threshhold is different.
But for me, enough was enough when my desire to be happy over rode my fear of the unknown.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
Hi Nancy!
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
i think its great that you are going to therapy and let me tell you this - if your DH is willing to go to therapy - then just DO IT. even if you have to make the appointment. sometimes men just have a problem admitting that they have a problem. and from what you are describing, your DH is quite "anal" so for him to even ADMIT that he MIGHT need help... well, in the end, what does it matter who made the call? (i agree with you, on a fundamental level, but when you are talking about marriages that can be saved, then its worth a shot). even if you do get divorced in the end, you will still need to work out your parenting issues - you know, it will be even MORE difficult when you are trying to work thru issues from two separate homes with your dd in the middle.
I also think that you are talking about two DIFFERENT parenting styles, not necessarily right or wrong ones.
make the call, and get him to a therapist's office.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Thank you all so much for your kind words. I am pushing DH to try counseling. Gave him my schedule for next week and will make the call if I have to. That is really my last ditch effort.
I also agree that we have different parenting styles and neither is right or wrong. The issue is his lack of ability to see the middle ground, things festering and then his blow ups. Not to mentnion our lack of ability to just go out and have fun together. But at least he is now realizing some of it is his issue.
Journaling has helped but also made me realize how stuck we've been for something like 6 years. It has to change one way or the other, I can't just keep treading water.
Nancy
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Nancy, you are absolutely taking the right steps by offering the option of counseling and discussing the issues with your H. Even if things don't work out, you'll know you gave it the best effort possible. Parenting and marriage are definitely tough...they require so much effort and compromise, sometimes, it's a wonder that we can even get through the day!
Let us know how it goes. I hope you see some positive changes, either way.
What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Thanks again for all your comments. I gave DH my schedule for this week and a list of three male counselers that were recommends. The ball is in his court now to schedule. I do feel he needs to take this step for both us and himself. Well see.