Need Some Stregnth, can you HELP ME?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Need Some Stregnth, can you HELP ME?
3
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 12:00pm
Hi~Can someone please tell me WHY I am petrified to call my lawyer. I really want to get my D papers re-filed. I filed in Feb., told H they were on the way
and he was torked. Then they didnt come until a week later, he was torked all over again and kept me up all night waving the papers in my face. The wording was
basically that staying together would cause emotional distress, yada yada. Verbal abuse on his side, which in the past year or so I've quit just sitting back
and taking it and started saying nasty things right back to him. I lost my dad last summer, all during that we were fighting really bad, and before that. And every
Saturday night for the past few years. Saturday nights b/c its the only night we had "Together" where we didnt have to get up early Sunday. It would usually
carry on until around 5:30 Sunday a.m. then I'd be up with the 4yo by 7:30 8 a.m. for the day. There's also the occassional night a few times a year during the
week where he'll carry on all night, he'll take off work b/c its easy for him to and I end up going to work 10 hrs with little or no sleep.
He tells me that I am ruining my 16yo and our 4 yo's lives by Divorcing.
He tells me that the main thing that we fought about was things that I was doing as a mother that he felt I was
messing up at. However...that is not the case. Yes he's pointed things out to me and we've fought about them but that
was not the main thing. It was mostly always b/c we just disagree on so many things.
Let me say that we married b/c I got pregnant & my grandmother just lost her H and she was begging me to please
give the baby a name..."you know how old folks are".
I didnt feel at all like this was forever, he was Mr Right Now, Definately not Mr. Right. I had just rebounded from a pretty
traumatic experience. So we married and I just hoped things would work out, but do they ever when you have doubts going into it?
I feel that I loved him at one time, just not the love it takes to keep a marriage together through really bad times. He's a good provider,
he doesnt drink or do drugs, his addiction is computer games and mostly he'll play a few hours after work each day and then mostly all day
on the weekends. It drives me nuts but keeps him out of my hair.
Now, with all the names and derogatory remarks I've found that I cant stand the smell of him. I feel really bad for not loving him and ruining his
life by wanting a divorce but isn't he better off in the long run if he finds someone who really loves him deeply and admires him and is nuts about him?
In our disagreements he's said things like, "You shouldnt tuck those kids in at night, a child molester would be better to tuck them in",
"your such a stupid Fng beach", "Your lower than Whale S#$!".
And now that I'm trying to get him to realize that Divorce is the best thing. It's, Your being selfish, You are the only one who is unhappy so You need to pack
your crap and leave. (I"LL NEVER). I have my grandma's house to go to but, the kicker is that its 11 miles away in the next state, but it also happens to be
the state I work in and where my daycare is but he seems to think he'll be able to stop me from crossing state lines.
Everytime he yells at me, whether its my fault, by admission or not and he's just torked about something, he paces back and forth and comes to my face
screaming to the point he's spitting at me and has his finger 2 inches from my eyes. I tried calling the lawyer 7 times yesterday and hung up. I paid my lawyer
for a divorce 1 year ago this month. My bday is in a few weeks and I want to do this for me. He keeps pounding it into my brain that I'm selfish though, and that
I'm doing this all for my happiness and that that is not good enough. that We should work this out. I am done, so why am I so petrefied to get on with it? My 16yo
old girl loves him and she hears him yelling at me over nights but somehow still feels like we should stay together so everyone can be happy, but what about me?
What about that I'm dying inside. I am with someone I no longer love. Am I crazy or is it REALLY POSSIBLE to fall completely out of love with someone
who degrades you on a weekly basis? Even if some of the arguements are justified, that doesnt give him a right to constantly degrade me, does it? Am I wrong
here? I really want to call my lawyer today, I just need encouragement.
Thanks in advance
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 7:10pm

OK, the first thing you need to do is take a deep breath.
It sounds like neither or you is in love with the other.
You need to take care of yourself, and yes it is possible to fall out of love with someone. It happens to so many people, but many are not ready or capable of walking away.

It sounds like your initiating the divorce, good for you, but you have to be prepared of the road ahead. You want that house, but you have to be prepared to potentially loose it. You need to make the decision up front that you're freedom and happiness is more important than any material item. You may have to negotiate around the house....your lawyer is the only one who will be able to tell you what to expect.

Call your lawyer, at least to vent. They are professionals, this is what they do for a living, and if you're lawyer is a good person, they will guide you on the best road to take and how to handle things. It can't hurt to call and see what the lawyer has to say.

Do it...for your own sanity!

And from the sounds of it (and especially with children involved) this is going to be a difficult road. Argumentative divorces are longer, harder and much more costly than uncontested ones. If you can get your lawyer to talk to him and avoid a drawn out battle that is the way to go.

My ex walked out on me and left we with a mortgage and bills I couldn't handle on my own (and worse of all I had no idea it was coming!), that was in November of 2006. Since then, I've sold that house, bought my own home, moved, continued to go to school for my graduate degree, got a promotion at work, been to court, lost nearly 40 pounds, and am out on the dating scene again...and you know what...I'm having the time of my life! And although I didn't see it coming and felt like my world had fallen apart I am so much happier than I ever was while I was married. The road ahead may be dark and scary, but the other end of it is a beautiful land! Come along...call that lawyer and get your life back in your own hands. You'll be so proud of yourself at the end, and realize how much stronger you are than you ever though possible....it is so worth it!!!! (I just wish it was me who initiated it instead of him!!!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 8:01pm
I just wanted to let you know that I am recently divorced and it was definitely one of the hardest things I've ever done. Starting over isn't easy. My ex was similar in that he would tell me that I was selfish and ruining everybody's life. The truth is, things will be so much better once you get out. I've already met somebody that has really changed my opinion of myself. When I was married, I was told that everything was my fault, and I believed it. Now, I'm starting to figure out that things weren't always my fault and I'm started to develop a personality of my own. It's a really great feeling to reclaim my life. Good luck to you. Just be true to yourself and drown out all the crap that your husband tells you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 9:31am
WOW...... I can SO relate to your story because it sounds exactly like mine!! My husband is doing the same thing. I am selfish, I am a quitter, I am breaking up the family. I have been verbally attacked on a daily basis about how awful I am for doing this. I know exactly where you are coming from and it takes alot of strength to let that stuff roll off your back. I have had a very hard time of it, but it gets better every day. We are in the process of separating at the moment. I will just be glad to have peace in the house for the kids sake.