need to stay strong
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need to stay strong
| Tue, 08-08-2006 - 8:15pm |
well i was doing okay. hadnt seen my husband for almost a week. we have an o.p in effect. but he came to the house to collect stuff tonight. he wasnt allowed on the property. his brother-in-law gathered it. i saw him and got upset. everyone thinks that because i cry that maybe i shouldnt move ahead with divorce. meanwhile i have lived with physical abuse, mental abuse, and verbal abuse, and i just caught him in a betrayal with another woman. am i crazy or what? why do i still hurt when i see him? why do i cry? he waved to me and i waved back. then he asked for his lap top and i freaked out. because i was reminded of all the instant messages he did with the OW. i gave him the finger. he just looked at me. and then he sped away. 5 mins later the brother-in-law came back with it. said he didnt want me to think anything other than he needed it for work so he wanted me to take it back. i am so angry at myself for giving him the finger. i promised myself i would handle this with class and dignity. well that didnt last too long. these people that tell me dont rush into things are making it worse. they know he has been an abuser. they know he has been unfaithful. why do they say stupid things like that. he is crying he doesnt want this to happen. well duh. of course not. his whole world has turned upside down. he cant come in his home. he cant have his things. his comfort zone is no more. gee i'm feeling beter as i am writing this. getting angry again. not so sad. this is good. but in all honesty. when do you stop hurting?

BTDT It is very, very hard to stop letting him run the show, so to speak. It will take months and maybe even a year or two before you are indifferent to him. When you have reached the point of indifference, you have succeeded. In the mean time, try to be indifferent in your behaviors. You are going to fail sometimes. That's part of the process. Don't beat yourself up over it. Tell yourself that you aren't going to do that again because he is no longer in control of you. If you see him, don't wave. Turn away. He's nothing to you... or will be when you are indifferent. If he does something to remind you of some kind of pain he caused you, smile and turn your back. The smile is because he needs to know that he can't push your buttons and get a rise out of you any more. Now, if you go away from these events and cry or laugh, it's okay. You will get better at it. The better you get, the more indifference, the less he's in charge of you. When he does push a button, make a mental note of what that button is. Then know that he will try that button again and plan what you will do when he does. Don't have any more contact with him than you ABSOLUTELY MUST have. Don't answer the phone if it's him. Don't email him. All contact through attorneys is a good rule of thumb.
Are you in therapy? If you can't afford it/don't have insurance, call your local women's shelter. Most of them have assistance in at least having group therapy sessions. Some have more assistance than that.
I'm trying to stay strong too. I have filed for divorce and just hope I have the courage to go through with it.My H is verbally/emotionally abusive, but I feel sorry for him.I worry that he may be lost without me. Others have told me that this type of personality moves on pretty fast.
I also worry because I've put so much time in this relationship. We were both young when it began and it's all we have known for 13 years - even if it is dysfunctional.
It's not really what he wants and I feel bad. We also have a child together so it makes it hard to break up a family. But I worry that my daughter will grow up and find herself in the same relationship. I also worry that she will be angry with me for staying in an unhealthy relationship. I worry about the impact it will have on her.
Kelly