Need Support/Separation

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Need Support/Separation
4
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 4:13pm

Hi all,
I am about to ask for a separation from my husband and I guess I just need some support.

In a nutshell, my second dday was Dec 1 2006. (First was an EA two years prior) Had suspiscions on one previous occasion, but no admittance. My second true dday was bad. He moved out, got an apartment, moved her in with him. Told me he loved her. It was really ugly. Then I found out he and her also had a cocaine and alcohol addiction.

I pulled myself together and did really well. After one month, he came back. It was over with her, and he went to rehab. He is clean for the most part (occasional light drinking) but I did catch him lying about that once. She is gone, except that she is suing his company (him) for wrongful dismissal, she was his employee-- and now we have to pay her an enormous amount of money personally.

He moved back in March 2007. We have been trying to rebuild but my heart has never really been fully in it. He is trying, he is remorseful, he is being a great dad and husband and wants his life back so badly. I just don't know if I want it now, and if I trust him for the long haul. I am so badly damaged.

I feel I can't keep pretending, and the pressure/guilt he puts on me is cracking me. I want so badly for my daughter to keep her family together, but I don't know if I want it for me.

I found a great furnished sublet, it's perfect for her and I. For 5 months. It's close to our house, affordable and really beautiful. It even has a little girls room set up already. (He has told me that he will not move out again, I have to move out if I want a separation)

I know it will break his heart, and I am so scared for all three of us. But I feel I need space and time to sort my head out about what I want for ME.

I am terrified... but can't keep living like this hoping it will get better without doing anything. Some days are good, some are bad, but never am I fully fully commited.

Any thoughts???
Thank you,
becs

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2007
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 10:49pm

You've given everything you had, and he has wronged you. If your heart isn't in it, it won't get back in it by you staying there. Moving out doesn't have to be the end, but it will give you enough space to gain more clarity, if you need it.
You mentioned staying together for your daughter - Your daughter will seek the kind of men her mother is with/seeks. Ask yourself if you want to send her the message that her daddy's behavior is what you want for her, when she grows up. Its painful, I know. When your heart isn't in it anymore, you might feel guilt and shame, but remember that your heart isn't in it anymore for good reasons, trust is a tough thing to get back. Before you pack it up, ask yourself if there is anything he can say or do that would make you feel better - if there is, tell him exactly what you want from him. Good Luck, Best Wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2006
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 11:28pm
Would you consider marriage counseling or counseling just for you? Maybe an impartial 3rd person could help you sort everything out? I don't know... sometimes I feel like counseling at least gives you the chance to work through everything and then be able to move on (in whatever direction) with a clear head. Good luck to you............
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 4:53pm
Of course you aren't fully committed at this point.

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 5:41pm
Sounds like you, and your daughter, will be much happier without him. Move all of your stuff out when he's not home, then sit down and talk to him one on one. Some things you just can't repair, or forget (like cheating), and then it's time to let go.
Just be honest, and do what you feel is right.
((hugs))