need to talk to someone

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2008
need to talk to someone
7
Sun, 05-18-2008 - 1:47am
I need to talk to someone, me and my wife are now separated and living in the same house. About a year and a half ago she had an affair with a guy she works with and it has pretty much ripped us apart. We have two kids together and thats making it that much harder. I found out about the affair from our phone records and when i confronted her with it, she told me that it was just an emotional affair and nothing sexual ever happened but i dont believe it. She then told me that she wasnt in love with me anymore. Just hearing that tore me up so bad, I ended up leaving and moving back in with my parents at that time. She then called me and told me she wanted me to come back home, I told her to forget it. and eventually did. but one day when we were separated i showed up at the house while she was at work and i found a tore up letter in the garbage and it was a letter she had wrote to this guy, and what it said was that she was pretty much in love with him but she knew she couldnt be with him because he was also married with two kids and that their jobs would be at risk because where they worked you would get fired for it. My wife makes all the money , and i am a stay at home dad so this makes even worse for me. I tried to make it work with her after everything that has happened but it is just too hard for me. I probably would make it work if she showed some sign of remorse for what she did. but she never did, she doesnt act like shes in love with me, im not stupid i can just feel that she doesnt anymore. I think shes pretty much doing it for the kids. I also tried to hang in there for the kids but i just cant be in a loveless marriage anymore its tearing me up. I ended it with her last night and i feel so scared and alone that i just dont know what to do. Its ripping me up inside to be under the same roof as her rate now but i have to until im done with school and start working. Im an emotional wreck i feel so lost. and she just acts like its no big deal. that makes it even harder for me. but i guess i expected that. I just need someone to talk to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2001
Sun, 05-18-2008 - 9:19am

I'm sorry about what you are going through.


The nice thing about this board is that it helps to vent all your feelings.


None of "know" each other, yet there is such a bond because of the common crap we're all going through. Kind of like AA I guess, what better support than from those who are at the same place or have already been there?


You have a rough ahead of you, I won't lie.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2008
Sun, 05-18-2008 - 9:45am
Dude, i understand. You can see my post under "what would you do?" in betrayed spouses. I am currently experiencing many of your same feelings. It's so hard man. I do better day to day. Mad, sad, mad, sad. my wife had/has an affair that started as emotional in Nov. 07. been physical for the last 3-4 mos? idk. just what she told me. Like you it ripped me apart. We have 3 kids together. I am totally willing to do whatever it takes to keep our family together, but she is not. All I can say is that it does get better. The thought of other people going through this same stuff is terrible. I really feel for you man. My wife too acts as if it's no big deal. She takes full responsibility for her actions, but she is cold to me. All i want is to hold her and work on what faces us but she is totally unwilling. The OM is still in the pic. If she wanted any form of reconciliation she would have to end it with him. She won't. So she is throwing me away.
I am also still in the house for now. We're just trying to figure a way to tell the kids and me to find a place. Telling the kids will be hard.
I don't have all the answers man. All i can say is that i completely identify with your situation and pain. All the q's. questioning your self worth. asking yourself why? about a million times. Asking yourself/her how you can be so easy to discard. I keep hoping this is some cruel joke. it is so surreal.
To feel scared and alone sucks but is part of the process. You say she doesn't act like she's in love with you. It takes some serious work and time to rebuild anything if there is a chance. How long ago did all this happen? How long did it go on?
My wife has been going down this road since Nov. 07 and it has been right at 2 weeks for me. I have some catching up to do. I can't turn off my feelings like a faucet. I love her still and would take her back in a minute. Even though i feel it would be very foolish of me.
But you know, love don't live here anymore. Not for me. She says she still loves me. I just feel it's more lies. I knew something was up the last several mos. i asked her many times if she still loved me. she said yes, but the rest of her body betrayed her.
Anyway, I feel for your position. Chin up. It's time to ACT instead of REACT MAN! Seize the momentum and indirectly show her what she threw away and what she is missing. Take care and know you aren't alone even though it feels like it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Mon, 05-19-2008 - 1:11am

I feel for you - I do. I am currently seperated from my wife and living in the same house. I have been very unfair to her over the decade-plus we have been together and the many years we have been married. She has been very cold to me for the last year, and I am very much afraid that she is having at least an emotional affair with someone else. Early this year she told me she wanted a divorce and has stuck by her guns. I have had many health problems these past few months, and recently found that I am actually sick with a mental illness. She is convinced that my physical collapses have been an attempt to manipulate her, and that I have always manipulated her. We have agreed to not discuss the divorce / separation until she is ready to move out (at the end of the summer), but her mind is made up. When she looks at me, it is with total anger and hate, and it breaks my heart. She looks different, and I am not sure what, but I am afraid that she has found someone else, and that she is done with me forever. I don't know what to do. It kills me to be in the same room with her, knowing that she doesn't love me anymore, and knowing that I have lost her forever. I began looking at houses this weekend, and I am going to a baseball game with friends tomorrow, which will allow me to get "out there" - but I don't want to be. I lover her and my child so much, and I would do anything for her; although I cherish every moment I have had with her, and wish she would slow down the divorce and give us time alone to see if we could make repairs, and try to begin anew. I would give anything to earn back her trust.


So, it looks like I

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 05-19-2008 - 11:20am

I guess your post has brought all the guys out of lurking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
Mon, 05-19-2008 - 3:40pm

I also live with my STBX.

Lilly

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Mon, 05-19-2008 - 5:59pm

To the men posting:


I have been where your wives are now, with the exception of the physical relationship. Not that it matters, because an emotional attachment is just as much a betrayal of the marriage, and can do much more damage than a sex buddy. The reason I'm posting is because I want to tell you that long before I told my husband, I was done with the marriage. We did go to counseling, but it was too late and I was not at all invested in it. I just wanted to be able to say I did it. Our marriage counselor asked to see me separately and said she couldn't figure out why I married my husband and why I would stay in such a marriage, that she was there to save people and not necessarily marriages, and I needed to get out. I did.


I don't think women take this step (telling you they want a divorce and kicking you out of the bedroom or house) unless they are deadly serious about divorce, and the chances of getting back together are incredibly slim. The best thing you can do for yourself now is to get some good legal help, protect your rights when you're hurting so you don't give away things you'll want later, and endure the storm.

Cat 

Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2008
Tue, 05-20-2008 - 3:58pm

When my stbx husband told me he was in love with another woman, I asked him to leave that very night, and happily he did. I can't imagine how stressful it would be to have to continue living together knowing your spouse loves someone else. In that situation, I think the best thing would be to find someplace else -- ANYPLACE ELSE -- to live. With a friend, with a family member, in a tiny apartment, even in a car or a tent -- anything would be better.

Just my .02.