Need to tell the kids (4 &2) need advice
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| Sat, 01-06-2007 - 10:49am |
H moved out this past week to a friend's house. Kids are used to him not being home due to shift work and a second career so we have been able to fudge things a little. 4yr old has noticed that daddy isn't sleeping at home. 2 yr old said same thing this am. So clearly they have noticed.
Both girls have birthdays very soon - one next week and the other in one month. Counsellor suggested we wait until after 4 yr old's b-day next week (otherwise she will always associate he b-day with the split). H originally wanted to wait to tell them but now he wants to tell them asap. I know I would feel better being honest - but I want to do what is best for the kids.
What should we say - I am thinking that mommy and daddy are having some problems so daddy is staying at uncle Rob's house for now (not your fault, you will still spend lots of time with both of us etc.) I think I want to save the "splitting for good" message for a bit later. That will give the separation some time to sink in and get used to it first.
What should I say - how much should we tell them.....? We are going to be living in flux for a while as we need to sell our house and it will take a while.... Any help - advice would be greatly appreciated....desparately needed....
Rose

First, I think that if the counselor has suggested that you wait, then you should wait. You've waited this long, so why ruin her 4th birthday.
Then, geez, how to tell them! That sounds awful. I would tell them as little as possible, but be honest. Maybe the first part about Mommy and Daddy having problems. But, then, you don't want them to think that "problems" is another word for abandonment. Yikes! I don't know how to word it. But, I'd only tell them the smallest part, and then bits and pieces as the 4 year old asks questions.
Good luck! Let us know how it goes.
S
I am dreading telling them but I am also very anxious to get it over with. I know they will be hurt and confused but I also realize that we are going to have to face that inevitably. It is awful - I will be sure to let you know what we end up doing.... Right now - i feel like we have to tell them that daddy is living at Uncle Rob's because they see that he is not in bed when they wake up in the middle of the night. There is no fluffing that one. I don't want them to worry about though. I am wondering about saying that we are haveing problems as husband and wife, so daddy is sleeping at Uncle Rob's house for now.... I think they will mostly wnat to know where dad is vs. what the problems are. I am hoping they are mainly interested in how this will affect them I will say that "you will spend time with Mommy and spend time with daddy. That we both love you very very much and that will never change."
What do you think.....? My counsellor did say to distinguish your roles ie. problems as husband and wife - not as mommy and daddy....
Rose
I am feeling like we are doing them a disservice by not saying anything when they clearly realize that daddy is not here....
Is there a way to be vague enough but somewhat honest as well? I don't want them to worry about him....
Rose
Here are some articles that I have found... Some of this is common sense, but it might help.
http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/refcap/preschooler/praising/65692.html
http://www.thelaboroflove.com/articles/how-to-help-young-children-through-divorce/
http://www.aamft.org/families/Consumer_Updates/ChildrenandDivorce.asp
As self serving as this may sound, I'm so glad I'm not the only one in this rotten boat. Now if only we could find the oars and row ourselves to a nicer place...
As far as I'm concerned, I decided to postpone "the talk" for about three more weeks. I too have a child with a birthday coming up (1/25) and it probably would be best to let him not associate his b/d with the divorce. After that, I'm going to do it because my children are older and I'm sure they sense what is going on.
I'm brought back to a time when I was a teenager and my father was dying. No one ever sat me down to talk about it. I knew (sensed) what was going on but was afraid to ask out of fear of causing more pain for my parents. This divorce thing is no different - it's just the marriage that is dying rather than a human being.
So, I've set my deadline and now I must stick to it. Wish me luck!
I'll be watching these posts to see how everyone else is doing and to hear any and all suggestions and to draw strength from each of you!
Thanks all!