Need to vent...new here

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Need to vent...new here
3
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 12:21am

I've been lurking here for months and finally got up the nerve participate and just need to vent.

I was married for 6 years and have to kids, DD 21 months and DS almost 5 yrs. I am living on my own with joint custody of the children but they are with me most of the time.

My "Readers Digest" version of our story is this: He was never home, out with the "boys" (and possible other women), never put kids and I first, and spent all the money we made without discussing anything with me. The most important part was that he was also verbally and physically abusive towards me, calling me awful names, pushing me, throwing things at me, etc. He sought counseling on his own for this (as well as ADD and OCD) and after 2 sessions, declared himself cured. Although he hadn't been abusive for several months, I was not convinced it was over. After much deliberation, counseling (joint and on my own), I finally decided I had had enough. In May, I told him I was done and we put our house on the market (it sold really fast) and I moved into a townhome I'm renting with the kids in August. For the most part, it has been glorious, not having to listen to him, live by his rules, etc but of course, now he wants more and more time with the kids (who he didn't have the time of day for when we lived together). We currently have arranged for him to have the kids every other weekend from Saturday at 6:00 (he works Tuesday through Saturday with Sunday and Monday) until Monday at 6:00pm and every Wednesday overnight.

Now, here's where I need advice. I wants to spend time with them, which I know is good, but he is always trying to add more time and/or change the time or days he supposed to have them. For example, last night (Saturday) he called me and said that he would pick them up at 7:00, instead of 6:00. Didn't ask if that's ok, just said that that is what he was going to do. Ok, fine. Then tonight he called to let the kids say goodnight to me, which was nice, and I said I would see him tomorrow at 6:00 when he drops the kids off. He said "How about 7:00 so that I can have dinner with the kids?" I told him no (which has has been difficult for me to do, say "no" to him, so that was a big step for me) and he complained that he wants more time with them. He is also going away with the "boys" this weed, leaving Wednesday (which is his night with the kids" so he informs me that he will have them Tuesday instead since it's not fair that he misses his night just because he's going out of town.

What do you think? Am I being hardnosed or just sticking to our agreement on visitation? He accuses me of using the kids to get at him by sticking to our vistation agreement so "strictly"and I say that I'm just trying to keep the kids schedule as structured and "normal" as possible. I can't decide if I'm just being nasty or looking out for my kids as well as trying to have some sort of life for myself. I talk to my friends and family about this situation but I'm not sure if they are being honest or just telling me what they think I want to hear.

Sorry this is so long and I appreciate any help you can give.

Cat
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 7:08am
WOW! I think i could have written your post from my own experiences!!! We also have joint custody with me having primary residence. STBX is always changing the schedule to suit his needs! But that was the way it was during our entire marriage, he had time for dds when it was convenient for him.
In the beginning I was lenient to changing schedules thinking it would go both ways. If I needed a change I hoped that he would be agreeable. This did not happen, we only changed when convenient for stbx. I felt this was just another way for him to pi** me off and maintain some form of control.
My daughters are older and supposedly able to speak up for what they want, so quite often changes are made without my knowledge.
If I were in your shoes I would try to be flexible with times. Sometime you may also need some flexibilty in the schedule. But if your ex does not provide the same courtesy back I would stick to the original schedule!! They can't have it both ways anymore!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 1:26pm

Thanks for your advice, frustrated1161. It does sound like you know what I'm going through. It's just so maddening because I work my schedule around when I have (or don't have) the kids, not the other way around so it makes me so mad when he just decides to change everything. And it's not like he asks me, just tells me that he'll be an hour late or whatever. No respect for me...but then again, that's one of the many things that led to our demise so I guess it makes sense, huh?

I felt so much better just getting my frustration out on this board. Guess I need to do so more often.

Thanks again!

Cat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 1:42pm
You, like me, don't want to be used. I also feel that my ex should be punished in someway for making my life so horrible. I want him to hurt as much as me. I am finding it hard to punish him without hurting my children. My therapist says not to let him take advantage of me. Set up boundries. ie. If he is suppose to pick them up at six and calls to say it won't be until seven, tell him you have plans and that if he can't pikc them up at six they will just have to stay with you. Then find something fun for you and your kids to do for the evening. How hard can it be to say no to his demands? It's very hard. I haven't done it yet. I have no spine. I also see it as extra time with my boys. I can't give any of that up. I miss to much already. Sorry, I wish it were tried and true advice, but it's not. Welcome to the board. Sorry we have to meet this way. come and join us again. Hugs, Brenda


Edited 10/10/2005 1:43 pm ET ET by mebrenda

Hugs, Brenda