Need a woman's advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2006
Need a woman's advice
11
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 10:03am

Ladies, I need your advice. I know I am opening myself up to a ton of abuse but I need to ask.

We have been married for 25 years when my wife had an affair and left me earlier this year stating that she couldn’t deal with my temper any longer. I will admit that I did have somewhat of a temper but I never physically hurt her. I know, I have learned that mental and verbal abuse can be more harmful that physical abuse but I pride myself in never physically harming her. We have two adult children so that is not a problem. I have been trying to save our marriage since we split but all she has told me is that she needs space and time. We still interact very well and have shared many close moments since the split. We have had many deep discussions about what went wrong and have both admitted our shortcomings. I have attended an anger management class, read the books, and attended therapy. She has finally agreed to attend couples counseling. She says that she still cares greatly about me but is no longer in love with me. She is very confused and scared. She has not been able to “push the button” in fear of making a mistake and regretting her decision down the road. I admit that I was not the type of husband that I should have been but through this process I have been able to objectively look at myself and see my faults. This has given me the opportunity to see that I need to be a better person. I have gone through some big positive changes in the past months, changes which she says she has noticed.
My question is this:
Would you take a chance on a guy that has admitted his shortcomings, and is willing to become a better, loving, understanding husband, friend and lover?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 12:06pm
Honestly, it depends on how much hurt I've endured. It's great that you've changed. Growth is always worthwhile, even if she doesn't come back to you. But seriously, if I compare your situation with my own (and there are a lot of similarities), even if my STBX did change, I think there's too much water under the bridge for me to go back. Maybe I'm shallow, but there are some things that I just can't forget. I can forgive, but I can't forget.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 12:57pm
Having gone through this horrible experience of divorce I can honestly say that I would definitely take a chance. Just be totally honest with yourself and truly believe that you can follow through with what changes you say you can or have made. Saving a marriage is so worth the try.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 1:13pm

this is a little tricky. On the one hand - i think its really great that you got help for your problems. i really mean that - i know how difficult it is.

OTOH - you and your wife were in a certain type of relationship - you were abusive and she was (most probably) an anabler, she probably had her own issues to deal with, probably walked around on eggshells etc etc. so now that you have changed - your relationship has to change too, and she may not be able to be with you any more. at any rate, you would need couple's counseling to move on from this point.

and there is one more thing: you say <<>> I hate to burst your bubble here, but if you can say this "I pride myself in never physically harming her" then you simply DO NOT "get it". I have been in your wife's shoes, and it always bugged me that beyond the fact taht *I* had my issues, my ex never got it , he never understood just how harmful his 'non-physical' abuse was. there is nothing to be proud of.

would i take a chance on someone like you? i honestly don't know. your wife has probably heard a lot of promises over the years so i could understand how she feels.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 1:47pm

Yes I would. I pray everyday that my ex husband will return. I know that it is not only him who has short comings. I know that it will take a lot of work. I love him more than life itself. I am dying each day without him.

If you are seriously acting on the desire to reconcile I think she should give you the chance. Continue to get help to control your temper. Continue to show her how much you love and care for her. I hope the both of us get what we want. Also pray on it. It can't hurt.

Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 1:52pm

If my XH had done more than just told me he was going to change.... if he had really changed and acted differently, I would have tried harder to save the marriage. Months of therapy and him telling me he had changed and he loved me and didn't want to lose me meant absolutely nothing when he couldn't treat me with respect!

Put your money where your mouth is and SHOW her that you've changed. IMO, it's the only way you've got a chance.

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 11:27pm

My question is this:
Would you take a chance on a guy that has admitted his shortcomings, and is willing to become a better, loving, understanding husband, friend and lover?

Answer: Absolutely. But the fear is "will he really? or only just for a while". I gave my ex just such a chance and I had my doubts. His good intentions lasted about a year. I don't think he really had it in him. We were married 25 years. Leaving was hard but the truth is, all I ever wanted was simple human kindness and respect. Trying to make up for 10 years of unkindness wasn't possible. He had already done too much damage. Possibly you will do a better job and it seems you are sincere. If you keep at it she probably won't have a choice but to fall in love with you again. Good luck.

Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 8:11am

Based on my life experiences, nope. I was married for 13 years (together for 17) and through the last four years my ex kept trying to change and it would work for a while but he always slid back into it, finally telling me it was like an addiction he couldn't break. Sorry, but there is no pride in never physically harming her, that should be a given. It is not normal to want to harm your loved ones. It is not normal to verbally and mentally abuse them. I think your wife is smart to get out.

Melanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 8:39am

I have to agree with Melanie... no way would i give you a second chance if i was your wife. Based on my own experiences I do not believe people really change... most of us are who we are at the core... what can change is your habits, they way you handle things, and how you treat yourself and the people you care about... for your own good and your own future, keep up the work you've done so far... it can't hurt... but don't expect someone who was verbally abused all those years to just forgive you and try again... forgiving and forgetting are two completely seperate things.

Good luck to you
Ali

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 8:59am

I don't want to make you feel worse, but I have to be honest. I filed for divorce from my ex the first time a few years ago. He promised me everything - he'd be more responsible with money, he'd come home after work, he's help out with the house, he'd stop siding with his family all the time, I'd be able to return to college part-time.....

Within a couple of months of our reconciliation, that all went south. I'm sure it's possible for some people to make lasting changes, but I honestly think those individuals are very few and far in between.

Can I ask why it took a crisis to make you realize you need to change? I'm not trying to be insulting, I've just noticed many men only respond when there is a crisis situation (ie. - affair or imminent divorce). Why does it generally take that in order to realize change needs to be made?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 9:13am

Im sorry for both of you.

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