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| Fri, 04-08-2005 - 1:13am |
my divorce was final on monday. we went to a mediation thing to discuss assets because i filed a response saying i agreed with evertying. i feel like i was forced intho this whole thing. he was nice before monday, and hes been an ass now. yes, i call him and i dont do it to piss him off, but crap, we were married for 7 years. he says he is "standing up for himself" or whatever the hell that means? he always got what he wanted, did what he wanted. i said dont treat me like an ex, and he said he can becase i am. he has no idea how extremely hurt i am still. he wants me to respect my wishes and keep my mouth shut? ii am sorry but its not that easy. i still love him. i feel betrayed and hurt and so much more than i can explain. ive been in my apartmet since last week because i had to be out of our house since i sold it. i wish i could kick the living crap out him so he realizes what he has done. people say dont call, but its not that easy. i dont deserve the way he talks to me lately, and i told him that, and he said to keep my dumb mouth shut about stuff and how i dont listen. well if he would listen to me too, it would help. someone at work said its because he feels guilty? why does he feel guilty? he got what he wanted ... he got some money from the house, while i got the majority. then the sex thing too ... we had it last week before our divorce, and he was so loving, and now? i dont understand.
im upset because there was no closeure for me ... he didnt allow that. :(
how long will this hurt go on for? i dont know if i can take it much more. i dont want him out of my life but the way he is going, its like he wants me out of it.
kim

I think you need a reality check. I nice, comforting, supportive reality check. Getting divorced does mean he wants you out of his life. I know it hurts, but that is what it means.
It will never help to talk to him, he will never understand how you feel or care about how you feel. He will never do anything to make you feel better, unless he's looking for sex or something else from you that meets his needs on his terms. Talking will help you, but talking to him isn't the answer. Talking to family, friends, or a friendly, unbiased qualified therapist is what will help.
Closure is something you give yourself. Continuing to call him or seem him is only going to prolong your pain and delay closure. You decide what kind of closure you want and do that. Closure can be just writing a final letter to him (but not sending it, you are doing this to yourself, to get your thoughts and feelings out, not for him, not to give him information or ammunition to hurt you further or satisfaction for knowing the pain you are still in).
How long the hurt will go on for depends. If you are ready to accept the marriage is over and feel the pain and sadness associated with that, you can begin the healing process. Cutting ties with him, feeling sad for a while, crying, yelling and screaming into a pillow at home, going to therapy, talking to friends and family, coming here, writing in a journal... all those things will keep you moving forward and the hurt will just naturally get better as time passes.
I agree with firstamendment and I couldn't have said it better myself. :)
I really think that maybe it's time to let go. STOP with the sex, STOP with the calls and take care of YOU. STOP worrying about him and STOP worrying about the why's. It will do nothing but make you feel nuts.
You will be ok! EVERYTHING happens for a reason and although you don't see it now, you will soon enough. Something GREAT will happen as a result of this. You'll see.
Hugs to you and please keep us updated.
Angelena
The two previous posts were right on the money. But my heart does go out to you. This is a hard time, but it will get better.
It took a long time for me to come to terms with my divorce. Actually, I'm still coming to terms with it. I have to talk to my ex b/c we have a child together. Sometimes when I drop her off for her visitation, I find myself lingering a little bit, just trying to feel the old normal way we used to be together. When I leave, it hurts, but it's my fault, b/c I should realize that it's over, and it's for the best. For the most part, I'm at peace with the way things are and going to be, but it is taking some time for a complete closure of everything.
I understand how you feel...it hurts, it makes you angry, and it just plain ole sucks. But realize that some things do happen for a reason. Life is funny, and it takes sudden turns and throws you curve balls. However, God wouldn't make a mountain that you can't climb. You will be able to overcome this....but you're going to have to stop having contact with him. Go out with friends, talk to them, talk to your family, start a new hobby....just try and get your mind off of him!
Best of luck...lots of hugs,
Kait
i am so sorry for your pain.... i have to agree with the others - even tho i know how much this must be hurting you, but you need to move yourself on from him. stop calling him, and definately stop sleeping with him. he may be loving and everything in bed - but he has already shown you that ALL he wants is the sex, nothing more. many times women read things into sex that just isn't there.it may seem like he is all loving, and caring, etc ----but he is telling you (and showing you) what it really is.
stop trying to talk to HIM. its not going to get you anywhere. you would be much better off speaking to a therapist - learning to focus - learning to get past the anger and frustration.
good luck
Hi,
I can really relate to how your are feeling. It is the worst pain you will ever experience. Divorce is never easy. Do you have any children? Was it a sudden occurrence or had you been having problems for a very long time? My second divorce. I thought the pain would kill me. It was excruciating. I also had three small children looking up to me for guidance. I just put on foot in front of the other everyday. Expand your social circle. You may need to seek a counselor for some professional help. Keep busy. You will survive this and then years later, he will be sorry. My ex now wants me back. I am in the middle of my third divorce which I am certainly not proud of but I had no choice. I did not give myself time to heal between 2 and 3 and I repeated the pattern. Now 12 and 1/2 years later I am in a really bad spot. It hurts, Oh yes, it hurts. But keep posting. keep telling us how you feel and be kind to yourself!