Nesting

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Nesting
7
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 11:35am

I have asked my husband for a separation. I want the kids (15 and 12) to stay in their own home, so we have decided to try "nesting" which involves sharing a common apt. He stays there 50% of the time, and then I stay there 50% of the time throughout the month on different given days. Since I am the one asking for the seperation he refuses to move out, even though I am the one who is with the kids more (due to his long work hours).

Has anyone been successful with this type of arrangement?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
In reply to: mom_suzer
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 11:48am

Some neighbors of ours did that during the course of their separation. They didn't share the apartment, but they each took turns in the house with the kids. It was a lot of hard work. So much so that when the divorce was final, they changed their minds and went with joint custody...sold the house, each bought a house within a few miles of each other and the kids went to her place one week, his the next.

Clearly I am on the outside looking in, but we were pretty good friends with the family...their kids and ours played together, the parents would be outside talking while watching the kids...and personally, I think it gave them more fuel to feed the fires of their anger with each other. In that particular situation, I'm not convinced they were doing the kids any favors.

I understand the motive behind it. But I think it takes a great deal of discipline to do it well. Good luck to you guys.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: mom_suzer
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 4:06pm

So would you have 3 residences? Yours, mine and ours?


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
In reply to: mom_suzer
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 7:09pm
No... we would have the marital home, and then an apartment. We would revolve in and out of the house on a 50/50 basis. When its not my day in the house, I would be in the apt. and vice versa. Our kids our 15 and 12, so not too young. We are trying to do this without lawyers and through mediation instead, to keep things as amicable as possible. The main reason is to keep the kids in their own home. This would only be during our separation period. If there is a divorce then we would sell the house and get two separate places.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: mom_suzer
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 7:19pm

Temporarily... it could work... as long as you are both very patient people!


Just remember.... if you and dad are stressed about your living situation, it's NOT going to be good for the kids.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
In reply to: mom_suzer
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 10:24pm

I believe it can work if the divorce is very amicable and as was said by a pp, you have similar living standards.

My stbx catagorically refused to share an apt. with me. One of his big issues is our different housekeeping standards (mine being higher :-)).

We are doing a modified version of nesting.

He comes over to the marital home to spend time with the girls. This is our first week. I made the meals this week, but if we continue this beyond July then I will start to be out on "his" nights and he will have to bring the food and prepare the meals. We are doing it this way because a) he chose to live quite a distance away; b) he chose not to get a car with which he could transport the children and c) they are young and it is more reassuring to be in their own home.

Hopefully, come Sept. he will just come here one night a week; have them at his place one night a week (transporting them by using a "flex car" hourly rental car) and then at his place every other weekend.

Our kids are younger so our issues are different. I think for teens it would be great not to disrupt their lives/weekends by making them do the moving.

As a pp pointed out all the moving back/forth is tough on the adults -- well, then how much tougher on the kids who did not chose to have the divorce happen.

GL with your efforts to take care of you kids in all this!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2007
In reply to: mom_suzer
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 12:59pm

Best of luck to you, whatever you choose. I want to commend you on trying to do this amiably. My XH and I were eventually able to do this with our divorce (no kids, tho, makes it easier). It seems like going this route took a couple of months out of my life, where I did nothing but work, meet with the X, and decompress from spending time trying not to be upset or emotional with the X. I can truly say that this was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but clearly also worth it. I got divorced for $540. I kid you not - this includes court costs, fees to have the paperwork drawn up, etc. And, I feel like the division of our stuff was relatively fair, with me keeping much of what mattered most to me. The other great part of this is that I still work with the X, and I don't have that overwhelming anger that so many people have. I'm still sometimes sad that the marriage didn't work out, but sometimes these things happen (it has been 2 years). Best of luck - and remember, no one thing works for everyone, what matters is that it works for you!

~Kristi

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
In reply to: mom_suzer
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 1:05pm
I have recently separated (two days ago--"officially") and my stbx and I are thinking of Nesting. He got an apt, that we have talked about rotating, but because I didn't want the kids to get the impression we were "setting up house" together, I have let him take care of furnishing it, etc. I am also uncomfortable with the idea of his apt. being a "love shack." We can't afford 2 houses so are still working out a schedule, but am not sure how we will do with this Nesting idea. Luckily, I will be traveling some for work and stbx will be in the house while I am away. My kids are 17, 14 and 11 and are okay doing a little shuttling to the apt., which is nearby and oldest can drive, etc.
I have a VERY amicable relationship with stbx and he is pretty neat when it comes to keeping up the house....but I am not sure how this will go. I will keep you posted on our progress, and please to likewise.
-L