Never thought I'd be here

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2006
Never thought I'd be here
19
Tue, 09-26-2006 - 2:06pm

Hi all. My husband is planning to divorce me. I am confused, depressed, and can only blame myself. Everything was going great these past few weeks or so, now I feel like my whole world is crashing down on me. Like I'm in a nightmare that I can't escape!
Why is this happening? I cheated. Not physically, but emotionally through phone calls with an old friend. This happened while I was having some turmoil in my life.. my two oldest children were going back to school and I was feeling lost and lonely. Lo and behold, I ran into a man I had known years ago. We got to talking, then the next day I telephoned him to talk some more. I only talked to him around 5 different times, but now my husband says that because of that he can't trust me AT ALL and needs to divorce me.

I am devastated! I realize that talking to someone else like that was not a great idea, but now my husband of 10 years is leaving me. How do I pick up the pieces and move on? How do I deal with being a single mom? What happens if he tries to take the kids away from me? I just don't know what to do, or what to think. I was awake all of last night, haven't been able to eat today at all, and really feel like I am in a bad dream. Someone please help me. I don't know what to do next. Obviously I need to contact a lwayer, but where do I start? How do I pay for a lawyer? I run a business out of my home (actually, the house is solely owned by my husband), what happens to my source of income?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Tue, 09-26-2006 - 2:17pm
hmmmmm....i'm rather new at this myself, but i'd bet money that there is more going on in your husband's head than what he has said. five phone conversations should not be enough to dissolve a marriage. it may be enough start a DISCUSSION, but goodness, this seems too drastic so fast.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2006
Tue, 09-26-2006 - 2:33pm

(((hugs))) I'm sorry! I can understand how scared you are. I'm a stay at home mom so I can totally relate to financial fear. Pay for an attorney? A lot will do a consultation for free or inexpensive. If you still have access to "his" money, there is no reason that you can't use it to get an attorney (although you may have that amount taken out of your part of the settlement). I borrowed the money from my parents, but I know not everyone has that option. I will say that I have been financially pleasantly surprised at every turn. My legal fees are going to be around $1500 total. We are liquidating the 401(k) so that I can have some immediate cash (in exchange for spousal support and a reduction in child support) and I'll walk with about 1/2 of the savings. Don't get me wrong, I'm in a very, very precarious position, but it isn't as bad as I thought. I've also been pleasantly surprised about custody. Everyone told me that I would feel better once I saw an attorney and found out what my rights were and they were absolutely correct. It is better than therapy. I highly recommend that you find an attorney (or more than one!) for a consultation. GOOD LUCK!

Kate

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 7:40am

If

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2006
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 12:53pm
dont worry. I never thought id be in a similiar situation as far as worrying about lawyers,income,home,children. It has since been a year since my spouse left me; however he had an affair w/ a co worker and abondoned his wife (me) and two children. Since then we did reconcile several times and recently signed our divorce which was mutual since i was never able to get over his infidelity. It feels great to move on with my life and feel that i am in a better place right now. Think about why you had to turn to someone else to comfort you for your unhappiness why could you have not turned to your own husband. Obviously you didnt have a connection with him. I have learned that i was not connected to my own husband on several different levels, i was very unhappy with him in my marriage but was so obsessed on maintaining my family together despite of my unhappiness. But i find now that i am more happy with my children now that he is out of the picture. Dont worry about lawyers, family friends can recommend and something will come along. It did for me and i least expected it.best of luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 1:22pm

hugs

I can see two basic issues here = first, you chose to 'talk' to another man, instead of turning to your husband when you were feeling down. this is not a terrible sin, and i can understand what led you to do this; nevertheless, it does say something about you and about the relationship that you are your husband have/had.

the second issue is that your husband turned around and said he NEEDS to divorce you. i do understand him saying that he can't trust you - but i don't understand why he feels the need to divorce you.

I strongly suggest you seek marital counseling. hopefully, your husband will be willing to go with you, but even if he won't - you should go on your own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2006
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 2:12pm

Thanks, all of you, for your responses.
To answer a couple of questions/comments.....
the reason why my husband skipped all the discussions and immediately said "divorce" is because I've done this before. (become emotionally involved with someone). What does this say about our marriage? I am often lonely in our marriage, yet the thought of being without him is horrible. We have our good times together, and I do love him, it just seems like emotionally, he is absent from me more than I can handle. Then again, I don't know if maybe I have been EXPECTING him to be emotionally unavailable and enabling him to be. Does that make sense?
Was it a horrible sin to become involved with this other man? I don't know. Part of the trouble may be because this is a man I was involved with way back when my husband and I first started dating. So he (husband) has pretty strong feelings of dislike for this man, and always has. Last night he started arguing/yelling at me and one of the things that he said was "Well, you f*cked him, right?!" and I said "yeah, years ago" and he said "that's what I mean!" So that is part of the 'problem' I think, is that my husband just doesn't believe me that I was not physically involved with this man recently.

Either way, last night's conversation ended with my husband reiterating that he cannot live with me if he doesn't trust me, and that he refuses to live the rest of his life having to 'keep an eye on me'. So, it looks pretty concrete that my marriage is, in effect, over... and I just don't know what to do first. Is contacting a lawyer the first thing I need to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 3:08pm

I stayed out of this one in the beginning because your reason for your H immediately declaring divorce seemed over simplified and I had a feeling there was more to tell but I didn't want to be too presumptuous.


Here is what I see;


(oh damn I'm gonna do it any way)


Questions:



  • Did you experience this type of disconnect with your DH "before" you married him?
  • Was your last indiscretion with the same man and how long ago was it?
  • Do you really want this marriage?
  • If you offered to go to counseling to resolve the issues between the two of you do you think he would go (he sounds hurt and angry right now).

There seems to be more going on than

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2006
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 9:24pm

although I am going through a divorce now, there's a web site that I found useful to help me through the rough times of my marriage, and now my divorce...you may find it could help save your relationship, or at least give you some insight of looking at this from the outside in, from both points of view...http://www.marriagebuilders.com.

hang in there

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 9:44pm
thank you. i have been gobbling any and all information so will add this one to the list.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 7:43am
If he's that quick to pull the switch, he has already been thinking of it for some time. He is right about one thing. Once the trust is breached it is never the same. Bet he's not innocent either.

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