New and need support
Find a Conversation
New and need support
| Tue, 09-27-2005 - 7:08pm |
Hello ladies. I started to post last night, but my story is too long and complicated so I gave up.
| Tue, 09-27-2005 - 7:08pm |
Hello ladies. I started to post last night, but my story is too long and complicated so I gave up.
Felicia,
Hello, and don't be ashamed of your feelings. Have you had therapy? individual or couple? Hang in there, you are doing the right thing of seperating till he gets help, and it is OK to miss him.
Keep us posted.
Stephanie
Stephanie
Hugs, Felicia. You've gone through a lot in the last two months, so it's not suprising that you'd feel confused. It's natural to feel the doubts you're feeling. We second guess ourselves, we think others are judging us, we're afraid of being alone. But to me 'giving up too easily' is if you end the marriage before you know there's nothing else you can do to salvage it. Ask yourself the following questions to see whether there's anything there to salvage:
If your husband could commit to rehab and battling his addiction, would you be willing to give the marriage another chance - do you have enough feelings left for him to do so?
- If not, then whether he can deal with his addiction or not, you don't want to try a reconciliation.
- If so, do you believe your husband could actually commit to it and succeed? If you believe this is possible, then you could consider this a trial separation, and try a reconciliation when he's had some success in his rehab. If you believe this is not possible, then you have to ask yourself whether you can continue to live with an addict. If you can't, then you don't want to try a reconciliation.
If you feel there is no possiblity of saving your marriage, then you are dating your husband out of loneliness and fear of not finding anyone else. That's a human reaction to your situation, but is it the way to help yourself heal and move forward in your life? It's natural to feel that you "can't do better", but as long as you're hanging on to a dying relationship you're never going to find out.
Thank you all for your responses.
I think if he was able to control his addiction, we would be able to work on our marriage. But, I don't think he is able to control it. He has been in and out of treatment programs for years before and after he met me. His desire to live a drug free life isn't strong enough. I know I am still seeing him to get over the loneliness. I'm not confused about that. I am totally afraid to enter the single scene again. I was never good at it in the first place which is probably why I ended up married to an addict. That's why I need support to see this thing through.
Everytime I even consider living with him again I remember all the anxiety and how unhappy I was. But this d*mn loneliness wants to make me ignore the truth. It's not just the lonliness, it's my low self-esteem. I don't feel that I can do better than him. I don't feel that my dreams will come true.
Please continue to remind me of the truth and make me respond. When I write out the responses I can see more clearly. The lonliness and low self-esteem is what made me ignore the red flags when I met him. I shouldn't fall into that trap again, right?
hi felicia!
please don't feel ashamed or feel like you are weak - you are not weak, and you did nothing that you should be ashamed of. you may have made some unhealthy choices - but you can make better choices tomorrow. or next week. when you feel stronger.
I think that being in an unhealthy relationship (like a relatinship with an addict) takes a HUGE toll on us. it is emotionally - and even physically - draining. you feel like your entire life/self is all dedicated to helping/saving/dealing with HIM. i know - i have been in your shoes. my ex's problems are different from what you are going thru - different but not completely different. my ex was/is addicted to pain killers and tranquilizers so, while it is a "legal" drug - its still difficult to live with someone like that. lying, manipulating, etc were all part of my life at the time.
what helped me was opening up to my friends and family. also i was very much helped by dr/ phil's book. and what helped me even more was getting real help for myself nad seeing a therapist.
f you are living with an addict - you might want to look into al-anon. i think that you will find the best support that you need there.
remember - we are all here for you
Thank you sk1960. It does sound like you've been in my shoes.
I forgot to say before that I do see a therapist. In fact I am very anxious for Friday to get here so I can see him. He's been on vacation so I haven't talked to him in a month. I usually see him every other week. I've been putting off doing anything rash until I talk to him, so that's good.
Felicia-
I'm glad to hear you're in therapy & will be seeing your therapist soon. Having someone to talk to and verbalize your fears is one of the best ways to deal with them.
I understand where you're coming from in being afraid to be alone. When I separated from my ex, I had to make all new friends and had to face my worst fear - being 'alone'. I found the idea of being alone was a lot scary than the reality. At first the time seemed so long and I didn't know if I could do it. But I found ways to fill those empty moments (if I couldn't sleep, I cleaned, if I was bored I went window shopping or surfed the internet, rearranged furniture, painted the walls, read a book...), and once I got used to it I actually preferred being alone to what life was like with my ex. Remind yourself of the bad things about your relationship and all the positive things you are giving yourself by being alone to help yourself make it through the weak moments. I also gradually made new friends from acquaintances and new people I've met since the separation, and now I have people in my life who care about me and I can trust not to hurt me. It's not easy, but take it one baby step at a time at first. You can do it.