New and In Need of Support

Avatar for lynnleigh64
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2005
New and In Need of Support
3
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 5:17am
I hope this won't get too long. I'm confused, scared, emotional, and really need support. I have been married for 17 years and we have 4 children. My husband and I have decided to divorce after years of unhappiness. He has been at times very emotionally abusive and is a very unhappy man. I am also very unhappy in the marriage, although I am scared to death of what awaits me outside the marriage. I married at 23...I am now 40. I have been a stay at home mom for over 15 years. I do have a part time position as a news reporter for a small local paper, and I do have a degree so hopefully I will be able to find full time work. We live in Florida, however we have moved all over the country throughout our marriage due to my husband's career and my family is in Georgia so I will want to relocate there to be near them. My husband won't fight me for custody, I know, but he is going to fight me on alimony and he is going to try to pay as little child support as possible. I know NOTHING about divorce. I am, in fact, the first person in my immediate family to ever divorce and I will not have a lot of support, unfortunately, as many of the members of my "southern" family believe that you work out your problems no matter what. I believed that for a long time too but the older I get, the more determined I am to find some happiness in my life. There are moments when I realize that this divorce is for the best and there are moments when I fall to pieces in tears. Any advice, suggestions, support you can give is truly welcome. I'm just not even sure of anything anymore...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 7:26am

first of all you came to a good place if you need support.
a lot of things about your post really rang true for me too, and to keep this from getting to long i will just sum it up and say (although i dont have children) i have experienced the feelings you have. and believe me, you will be happier soon!
its hard, its scary! but you will get through it, and when you do the only regret you may have is that you wasted years with someone like that. you wont regret the divorce, believe me.
i know where your family is coming from, but it takes TWO to make a marriage work. even my own family thought i should work it out, but after years of being scared and miserable i finally understood i could never work it out because to him there was no problem.
for whatever reason yours is unwilling to help make the marriage work (from your description he sounds a lot like my ex-h) so dont sit in misery anymore.
youre on the right track thinking about a job. and it would be good if he pays child support but you may have to wait awhile to collect, so be sure to thnk about that.
if i could offer a couple suggestions, which you may already know.
- contact a lawyer. if you arent able to afford a lawyer, go online, and go in your phonebook, and find a low-cost or free one. call the courthouse, or family and child services, or whetever. it will take some research but i can pretty much guarantee there is free legal aid for anyone anywhere if they have children. try law schools near you too.

- keep talking to your family. when it got to the point where i was going to move out and didnt have anywhere to go (literally!) they did end up letting me go there. and i wont say they were supportive, not at first. but as they saw how much happier i was and started to get a picture of why i did it they eventually came around. maybe if you try to keep them focused on whats best for the kids they will come around too.

- go online and find out the divorce process for your area. and whatever it says, realize its probably going to take longer than that! it always does.

- start paperwork. your going to need a lot of records, it will pay to be quite organized about this. financial records, the kids school records, etc.

emotionally its going to be hard. im not going to lie, there were times when i was homesick and really questioned myself. i wondered if it was worth all the heartbreak and financial difficulties. then i looked back in my journal and got a clearer picture and realized my whole life would have stayed like that.

when i got married i truly believed in it. i NEVER in my wildest imagination even contemplated divorce. the idea that divorce happens due to a lack of seriousness about the committment or leaving too soon is very offensive to me because i lived with someone who didnt give a darn about those commitments, but somehow i still got blamed by people because im the one who left. and this was a guy who screamed at me daily (he hated his job and was very bitter that i worked in my field and enjoyed it), followed me to work to make sure i wasnt flirting, spied on me constantly (and i NEVER cheated or even wanted to), wouldnt let me have friends, tried to make me quit school and work, never wanted me to leave the house, etc. you get the picture.
you may need to be ready for that reaction from your family too.
and now im rambling quite a bit, so i hope something in here was of some help to you.

make a plan and stick to it, the finances are the hardest part, as you know im sure. dont hesitate to ask everyone you know for job leads, i was able to turn a part-time job into something more, maybe you will be able to also.
:)
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 10:00am

Welcome to the board!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2004
Fri, 03-25-2005 - 12:13pm
i divorced after 27 yrs. NOT EASY, but i am surviving. it's a long process, i have been divorced since last june-it does get easier i promise. i wish you had more support, stay on this board it will help you. as far as support the courts go strictly by a chart. hang in there and good luck to you kathy