new and REALLY NEED ADVICE!!
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| Mon, 01-08-2007 - 11:40am |
hi I am looking for someone to give advice.... even though i already know the answer I just want to hear what someone who is not involved has to say..... here goes.... i have been married almost 5 years together almost 7 both second marriges... we each have 2 kids from 1st marriges and 1 together........ when we met i thought he was a dream, and nothing like 1st hubby....... he had a great job, nice house, new car car spend lots of time with kids and just a real responsible, warm person......... after i moved in with him I saw he was behind in MTG. payments, and all house bills ....... OK everyone gets behind we will fix this I thought...... then he loses job, collects uneployments and sits around house, no help with cleaning cooking ect.... starts talking with ex wife alot on line i found all emails he was telling he he was gonna ask me to marry him (WTF) I was upset, hurt you name it seemed like she knew more about my own life then i did .... we got over it OR SO I THOUGHT I DID ........ he went back to work, never made enough money to really pich in to much but we made due, he lost job again, ( to make a long story short he had about 5 jobs hated them all and just went beck to either sitting around house or working for a friend who is a drunk and in a bad marrige because of his drinking he is gone 40-50 hours a week gets paid for about 20 spends other time in bar instead of coming home I am now raising all 5 kids driving everywhere trying to get enough money to pay bills ... we moved again to have HIS kids more and so they could go to this school system now MTG payment doubled he SAID he would work more to help out...... well now he gets sick he gets headachs ect he been put on meds to help but he says they dont and can drive really work ect. he did not apply for ssdi I did for him he cant do things for himself, I do it all.... in the mean time he stops paying his ex child support because he is only making maybe 200.00 a week WHEN HE DOES WORK we have a 3,000 a month MTG payment... he cant drive a car because he gets "dizzy" so now i have to cart ALL 5 kids around ALL THE time and him PLUS work my 3 jobs Most of my work i can do from home but i need to stop working or doing what i need to do because his ex wants them home ( here everyday for school) he cant drive, she wont pick them up and He wont tell he too bad my wife does enough, he says he does not want to hear her complain and yell and it is his responsiblity to bring them home or find a ride, so guess what he picks me!! so i leave my kids home everyday to drive his around i cant even help my own kids with homework because im gone with his and then when i get home it is time to cook dinner ect. so my afternoon is shot then he daughter works about 40 min away all weekend and guess who has to drive he to work come back home take care of my own 3 kids and his other one plus work and 3 hours later drive 40 min back to get her and the 40 min home Friday saturday and sunday so my weekend with my kids is shot ( my kids do not see there father another lowlife who never sees or calls his kids) NOW I am really resenting him when he DOES work he comes home 1/2 in the bag most nights and on payday gives me about 200.00 towards the bills other times he does not work at all so i need to find a way to pick up his slack pay the bills, I do have 3 jobs that I work from home ( I do get child support from my ex but he has no contact with them) then he gets mad at me if I can not bring him or his kids somewhere, he says I dont like them and they are a burden on me ( he has made all of them a burden on me) my own children come in last because I am living in a town i dont want away from my family and friends because he wanted his kids more and to go to this school system, his ex and him expect me to pick up all the slack he "cant do" drive them home to her house every day ( 20 min from here and 20 min back home) pick up at school bring to drs appointments, drive his daughter to work ect. i am burnt out he never askes he says he askes but he does not its expected of me...... more probelme he treats my son from my first marrige)like crap he says he does not treat him bad... ha!! but he does he has all these choirs for him and yells at him all the time ... guess what his daughter has no choirs because she works, and helps her mother out HELLO!!!! plus 1 year no sex........ in only 35 I would like that once in awhile we are loseing our home because i cant pay for7 people by myself I tell him and he askes me what do you want me to do pull money out of my butt??????
i told him this monday i want a divorce i am moving back to my home town ( about 45 min away and I am just done with the bull.... he ended up getting sick this week in the hospital had surgery ( he will be fine) but i brought his kids up to see him and his parents are so rude to me they ignore me ( we used to get along great!!) .... his mother knew what I was going though but now i think she feels like I am abandening him i am sad i do feel bad but if I stay I will always put me my kids and what I want last..... its him, his kids and what they need first.... I am done with that... i just feel bad hes in the hosp. and i just dont know how to act i am not staying but feel like I am leaving someone whos down and out ...........how do I deal with all these feeling of guilt ?????

I honestly did not read everything -- the single paragraph format kind fo hurts my eyes.
How do you deal with the guilt?
Realize that this guy is a bum.
Good GOD!!! Say goodbye and don't look back. When you start to feel guilty, read the post that you put up and I think it will go away.
YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER OTHER PEOPLE'S ACTIONS!! So, you cannot control your husband, his parents, his ex, or your kids' response to a divorce from this man. The only people you need to worry about are YOU and YOUR KIDS. His ex can take care of hers if he won't.
Yikes. GOOD LUCK!!
this family is so demanding you are losing precious time with your own kids. just my opinion
I agree with the previous poster; however, I believe that he is also putting you through mental abuse. You do not deserve to go through that--no one does. Also, it is not good for your children to see you subjected to that. That tells them that it is okay for someone to be treated like that when it certainly is not. Please get far away from your abusive situation. Each person is reponsible for his/her own actions and must face the consequences when they come around. I say that meaning that your h has made his own bed, let him lie in it--alone.
I'm sending lots of hugs and prayers your way.
Becka
thanks so much to everyone who replied.....
I am in the process of looking for a new house right now and getting some things packed up i am guessing at the latest i will be gone out of this house by mid FEB.... I hate the fact that I am gonna be changeing my kids school and friends mid way though the year>>> BUT happy not to have to deal with this anymore.....
I did a pro and con list... WOW what an eye opener!!
when it comes to my family he is SO NOT INTERESTED, does not get along with them much, hates when they do stuff for my kids and not his... says it all must be equal even though they are never around my family..... ON THE OTHER hand with his family I am so shoved up there butts and if I dont want to go to some party or some other get together ( have them monthly if ot more) he says ... you just dont like my family you do this all the time and pretend to not feel good ( OK sometimes i do :) hehe!!) but really I just need a break from them.....
I just cant wait to be out of here i am gonna lose this house to foreclosure i know it, its in my name alsone and i already have crappy credit ( was good when we met) because alone i cant keep up and when he does flip some money my way it only enough for like electric or whatever... so I have bad credit now .... BUT I also feel to let the bank just take the house and move out with my 3 kids and no more dealing with this I will have a chance at being happy. my family is helping me get a houe so I will have a home closer to all my family and friends BONUS!!!
thanks to all of you who helped!!!!
I don't know what state you are in but check with your lender and see if they will do a deed in lieu of forclosure. It will still be a mark on your credit but not judged as harshly by creditors going forward as a foreclosure would be.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deed_in_lieu_of_foreclosure
As for the relationship, he is dysfunctional and you have been an enabler and co-dependent to a large extent. But now that you see the light, do what is best for your kids. Guilt is a heavy burden but manageble. Whenever you feel like you are abandoning him, think about all the years you spent standing in the gap for him, his family and his children at the expense of your own children, family and personal happiness and peace of mind.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***