New and so very frustrated

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2008
New and so very frustrated
1
Fri, 06-13-2008 - 5:08am

I googled divorce message boards and found this one, and I hope I can become an active part of the community. I used to be very active in message boards before my soon to be ex-husband completely overtook my life.

I am sure many of you have had this same experience, but my husband and I separated a little over a month ago (at MY insistence!), and the very day he left, I went straight to my lawyer and drew up papers. The papers are so, so very fair (considering the reasons behind the divorce which I can get into if you so wish!), and he said at the time that he would sign the papers - no problem. We have two beautiful children: an (almost) 5 year old daughter and an 18 month old son. He cannot afford a lawyer, so it was to be an uncontested divorce. My lawyer drew up very basic papers dividing the debts and assets pretty much down the middle (unless it was previously owned before marriage - I live in TN.) I am to get full custody of the children with him paying child support (which is calculated by the state & I have no control over) and getting them every other weekend and every other holiday.

So, the month passes, and we are amicable, really better friends than we were during the last couple of years! (Has to do again with the reasons behind the divorce)And he is telling me he will sign the papers, that they are very fair, and he just wants to make everything easy. Today, he comes back to town (He's been staying with his parents over an hour's drive away). He tells me on the phone that the reason for his visit is to go directly to my lawyer's office and sign the papers. When he arrives today though, he throws a huge fit and says he hasn't had a chance to read the papers properly, that he will do it on his own time. He then goes on to say that he might not ever sign the papers, that he can make this go on as long as he wants. He has done a total turnaround!

I know he does not want the divorce. He says he still loves me and only wants to be with me, but I thought we had worked on being friends, and we were doing a pretty good job until today. He knows that there is absolutely no turning back for me. I love him as a friend and as my children's father, but there is no marital love there anymore. I am so frustrated. I feel like my life is in limbo. I haven't contacted my lawyer mainly because the fee for a contested divorce is an additional $1000 dollars, and I am afraid if I tell her this recent development, she will consider it a contested divorce. But I have no idea how long he can hold on to the papers without signing. If we end up going to court, it is going to get very nasty (again the reasons behind the divorce), and I didn't want that at all. I truly thought that we could come out of this as friends.

I really just need to vent. None of my IRL friends understand because I am relatively young, and most are either unmarried or newlywed or never divorced, and I certainly can't talk to my family because they have some boundary issues and have a tendency to become a little too involved. I am always open for chatting online or emailing if anyone else needs to vent.

Maybe you have advice for me? I am grateful to have found this board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2008
Fri, 06-13-2008 - 2:38pm

Oh this sounds a lot like how my situation began - the marriage was over, but we didn't hate each other.