New and totally devasted

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
New and totally devasted
4
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 2:57pm


Hello, Everyone
I've learked on this board once before when I was having problems with my dh and him deciding if he wanted kids. Well, I thought we had worked our problems out and was working on our marriage to start a family. It all came to an end Friday evening when I got home from work he tells me he needs to go away for a few days and if I wanted this to work I would not get mad and let him go. I asked why he must just leave for a few days and not talk about what the problem is he told me he needed to get away from me for a few days. He stayed gone all weekend saying he slept in his truck Fri. night and with a friend Sat. night. Didn't return until 9 Sun. night to take a shower and leave again, he came back around midnight to tell me it wasn't working out and he didn't want to do this anymore.
I came back to work on Monday and called his cell to ask if he was serious, and he just flat out told me to leave and never come back. He was so mean to me, my mother and I went after work and started packing. He never showed any compassion what so ever to me until Today after I have totally moved out and in with my mom. He has blamed it on me, said he was filing today, then he calls crying saying he loves me and wants to talk about it. This has been coming for about 2yrs, he has been doing little things to push me away for awhile now and I can't deal with it. How do you get the strenght to move on? I'm already moved completely out of the house, took everything from towels to silverware. Now, he wants me to come home. He was so mean about it before, never once tried to stop me from leaving. I feel if he really loved me and wanted this to work he would have been there Mon. night trying to stop me, and would've been there yesterday when I got the rest of my stuff. He didn't even bother coming home Mon. night at all. How can I stick to it? The pain is unreal. He was my world, and he took my life from me. I just don't know where to start. Everyone tells me I'll be better off, and it would've never worked, but how can I get my heart to see that?

Stacy
Heartbroken.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 4:04pm
Stacy, I am sorry this is happening to you. I know how tough it is and you are not alone. All of your husbands crap aside, what do you want to do? You don't have to decide today, tomorrow, next week or even next month. Take your time. Decide what is best for you. You are already out of the house. What have you got to lose? If he can't wait for you to decide it's not what is meant to be. You will go on and it's not going to be easy. I am 5 months out. My divorced was signed off by the state last week. It's over. Yes, I have bad days. Some really bad, but for the first time in 5 months I have had more good days than bad ones in the last week. That's progress. I will always love my ex-husband. He will always be around me because of the children. I am begining to see a little light at the end of the tunnel. I am a long way from healed, but I know now that I have the strength to overcome this. So do you! You will be amazed at yourself. I just try to remember God doesn't give us more than we can handle and I have found that is correct. Five months ago I wasn't sure. The ladies here gave me the best adivce once and that was to find the positive in my life now. In the begining it was stupid stuff like being able to sleep in the bed alone. I still love that. Yes I miss the companionship, but I don't miss sleeping in bed with the human sponge. Yuck! He was always so wet. Spend this time to learn about you and when you feel down and lonely seek out a friend or come here and post. We've all been there and we understand. I have found great strength in my faith and I don't know if you believe in religion, but you will find your source of strength too. Come and join us anytime, vent, scream, laugh, and cry.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 5:09pm

Hi Stacy,
First of all you need to take time for yourself. I know you love him and you are hurt and confused. But what do you want? What do you need? Is the relationship something you think is worth saving? You say this has been coming for two years. In that time, how do you feel? I imagine it has been like living your life on a rollercoaster.

Is it possible your husband has another woman? We see a lot of adultery here, and with your husband's "needing time away" I suspect a bit. But that may just be me.

Don't push yourself too much to decide everything right now, today. It sounds as if you are a strong person, you've already moved out and dealt with the house and his back & forth attitude. But it also sounds as if you have some good family support in your mom. May I suggest, if you want to talk things out, maybe suggesting counselling or couples therapy for you and your h?

Good luck, and keep us posted. Come here whenever you need to.
:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 8:25am

Hi sweetie,


Well, I am proud of you for moving out. No one deserves to be treated that way. Congrats for that.


As far as the phone calls go........ I think we all go through this. I think it is a good old fashioned case of "I don't know what I want". My ex did it, your ex did it..... I bet half of the board has an ex that did that.


The bottom line is what other posters have said in response. You have to do what is right for YOU. Do you want to live with him knowing that at anytime he could change his mind again and want you out? Do you want to be with someone who cannot keep a promise or stick to a decision not even thinking of what this emotional roller coaster is doing to YOU? It just isn't fair to keep you going UP and DOWN.......


I think time will tell. Yes it is hard to hear him say the things he says. You want to take him back and start living "happily".... but sweetie, right now that happy part, won't happen. He is in a tough place and needs time to decide what he wants too. You need to stand strong STAY moved out.... and just give it time.


I am so sorry for the roller coaster your on, please remember that everything happens for a reason and your reason will come to you soon enough.


Hugs,


Angelena






iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 11:45am

Stacy-

HUGS-

My advice is to remain at your mothers - stay separated - but if you both are willing go to marriage counseling. Once the counselor gives you the ok THEN move back in...but if you go back now NOTHING will change.