New and trying to imagine surviving

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
New and trying to imagine surviving
19
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 8:11am

Hi!

I am glad I found this board; been looking for awhile; I am active on other iVillage parenting boards.

The short version is that my (d)h said he would rather pursue divorce than go to Retrouvaille (weekend for catholic marriages in trouble). We have had lots of conflict, but I had no hint he had gone so far in his thinking until the last month when he has become very distant (married 9 years in Nov.).

I have contemplated divorce, but have not pursued it because I highly value being a sahm with my 4 1/2 and 6 yo dds. I'd rather work on our marriage.

He wants out before the end of the school year -- my girls are on opposite schedules with one in preschool 3 mornings and the other in kindy 5 afternoons.

Their lives will be torn assunder. If I were working full-time and already had them in daycare is would be very sad but not such a huge change for them, but to change their lives so dramatically in the middle of a school year (my elder dd is just getting comfortable with kindy), is stunning to me.

I think he feels like the previous poster -- numb, indifferent, done -- ready to move on (I understand), but the consequences for his kids are huge! He doesn't seem to care. He has been doing alot of thinking/planning/research over the past several months and has it all sewed up in his mind.

Me, I am realing, although I am quickly trying to get my ducks in a row while pretending life is normal.

Would like to hear from any other (former)sahms who have survived divorce and its consequences.

Thanks!

Meg

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 8:46am

Hi Meg!

First...WELCOME TO THE BOARD! PG knows you'll meet and speak with several wonderful ivillagers who will offer you a multitude of good advice.

If you don't mind...let's look at the after-effects that come with a divorce?

As much as you'd like to keep life stable for yourself and your two daughters, it's not gonna happen! Whenever both sides of a couple make the choice to 'move on'--the decision automatically will affect the friends and the family members who love you.

Their reactions will vary from sadness and disbelief...to shock and anger! Here's something to keep in mind. Most children "bounce back from a crisis"faster than adults do! Simply because they're not caught up in business of analyzing why MOM & DAD BROKE UP?
They might not completely understand the reasons at the beginning, but they won't worry as much as you will about the reasons for the split!

Now is the time to "do YOUR homework!"

Write down all your concerns (including assets and finances) on a legal pad. Check what type of income you have in order to support yourself and your children. Then, get some legal advice! If you can obtain this for FREE...GREAT! But more than likely, you'll need the services of a good divorce lawyer who is familiar enough with spousal and child support? He or She can research your entitlements and (hopefully) OBTAIN WHAT YOU NEED for a reasonable fee?

Good Luck!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2006
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 3:30pm

Meg....

I was in your place just a few years ago. I had been married for 21 years, had 3 children 6,10, and 13 when I found out my H was involved with another woman. At the time I was a SAHM and I was teaching my children at home. I had never worked a full time job because we had chosen for me to stay at home. I was terrified, had NEVER been alone having gone from my father's home to my husband's home at 18.

Let me tell you, YOU CAN DO THIS! Unfortunately when one party wants out of a marriage while the other only wants to work on things and preserve the marriage, it opens a whole different spectrum of issues than when both make the decision. I happened to find out about a part time job that was not in my field (I have a teaching degree)and decided that summer to take the job if offered. It was, I took it and my children went to school for the first time in their lives. My H at that time was saying the affair was over and he wanted to work on the marriage. That lasted about 4 months and he walked out. Needless to say in the span of one year our family had gone through a lot of changes and I will not lie and tell you it was easy.... not one moment of it was easy or good. Some days it was hard to just put one foot in front of the other. I don't know if you are a religious person but I held onto the fact that even though I was shocked and surprised my H had an affair and wanted a divorce, God wasn't surprised or unprepared... and He had a plan.... I just had to keep my head above water until I could stand on my own two feet.

I could offer more specifics of what I did and how my children and I made the transition if you want to ask.... You can either do it on here or feel free to email me. Hang in there because several of us have been where you are and while I will tell you that it has been the hardest thing I have ever done, I have become a stronger person because of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 4:48pm

Oh, gosh, THANK YOU! From homeschooling sahm mom to on your own!!!! Oh wow!

I do want to know ALL about it; how you did it; how your children handled it; did you have to move? Is he paying spousal as well as child support? My h doesn't make all that much money; I don't see how he could live on his own and provide us with adequate support.

I go from thinking I can do this (talked with soccer coach whose kids are in daycare and she's a very nice person and the daycare is flexible--does part-time, etc) to despair (later the same day at a birthday party where all the moms are home with their kids where I want to be)

I am sleeping poorly, shaking, very distracted and so confused -- he acts if there is nothing wrong -- pointing out newspaper articles, sitting down to watch dvds with me after the kids are in bed -- telling me about the stress at work, etc). Meanwhile he says he wants to decide soon (his decision, not mine) whether to divorce and wants to move out before the end of the school year, so if I don't get a job and arrange daycare for the kids then he will "draw down his retirement to pay the bills ..."

And I am supposed to keep the daily stuff going -- cooking meals, loving my kids, arranging playdates, volunteerng, and pretending to those adults around me that it is all fine, all while waiting for the mountain to come down on me and for it all to end.

Of course, I am not just waiting--I have calls out to support services and a lawyer and I have a child psychologist I already talk to, but it is just unreal.

So, please, please, tell me your story of survival!!!!

Thank you!

Meg

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 8:59pm

Hi Meg...

Just want to chime in that you can do this... I was not a sahm before my divorce, so our situations are a little different, but I did want to offer some words of advice.

First of all... you mentioned difficulty sleeping... and that you have a child psychologist lined up--what about counseling on some level for you? either through you church, or speaking with your doctor (who could perscribe something to help you sleep during this difficult time)? The thing is once you stop sleeping well, you can stop functioning well too...

I would encourage you, when you can, to continue to do things, perhaps not same as normal, but as normal as you can... so if you have play dates, still try to do that... especially for your children, whose lives will change, it is nice to have the steadiness and the predictability remain in some aspects, if that makes sense. I don't know that I would pretend if everything was all right--I surely couldn't when I was going through it, even if I had wanted to do so. Now, if you are able to do so and you do not feel comfortable sharing with those around you, don't... but if there is someone with whom you can talk, discuss... it will help somedays just to get if off your chest... even if that means coming here and posting because we have either been there or are there now... and this is a wonderfully supportive group of people...

I've been divorced now for 2 1/2 years... my son (5 on Monday) and I are doing well... my xh didn't contribute his income to our monthly expenses often when we were married, so in a lot of ways, my life did get easier with the divorce, because I wasn't straddled with his expenses... it will get easier in time. Do your best to stay strong for your children.

*hugs*

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sun, 10-15-2006 - 8:14am

Thanks, Julie!

It is just so surreal.

The not working thing makes it hard because there is no money besides his income and going back to work (finding an apporpriate job that pays well will be tough having been out of the job market for more than 6 years) and putting the kids in daycare is going to be a huge trauma for them on top of the divorce.

I know I will need to think positive, but right now I am just in agony and he just acts like everything is the same.

Thanks again!

Meg

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sun, 10-15-2006 - 8:17am

Thanks so much for the welcome!

Yes, I have started a file and a pad listing all the issues to be resolved (finances, etc). Phone calls are out to lawyers and support services. There is a good organization that has classes on all aspects of divorce; some of the classes my h and I can attend together.

The practical stuff -- I can "do" it, but it feels like such a tragedy for my children. I know I will have to turn around my thinking on that, but it is totally not what I wanted for them.

Thanks again!

Meg

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2006
Sun, 10-15-2006 - 1:47pm
I'm in a similar situation as you...married 18 years, three kids (12,10 & 7) and have been a SAHM since my firstborn. I, however, asked for the divorce (prematurely, before I had my "ducks in a row" as it had been building up for years and came out in a horrible argument)in April and am scrambling to get things together to prepare for the eventual split and being on my own with the children. Like Pianoguy said, do your homework and get all the professional and personal support that you can to help you through this. I often feel like I'm tip-toeing on landmines but know that every day is a new beginning and we will get through this and become stronger. Best of luck to you...Stacey
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sun, 10-15-2006 - 3:21pm

Are you still in the same house? How do you bear it? My h acts like there is nothing wrong most of the time, but there apparently is, big time. How are your kids dealing with it? What are you thinking about employment? I guess your oldest is old enough to be home with younger syblings after school once you return to work--that must help, but still ...

If you aren't comfortable answering my questions, that's fine, but if you are I would be very interested.

Thanks!

Meg

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2006
Sun, 10-15-2006 - 4:40pm

<<>>

I was fortunate in some ways because the summer between finding out about his affair and his leaving, I found a part time job. It was not in my field (teaching), but it required a degree and there are few people with a degree who want part time. I fell in love with the job and the people I work with. The first year I worked M-W and a few hrs on Thurs. My two oldest children were old enough to be home alone after school but my 2nd grader wasn't. I took advantage of the after school program offered which was free. During the next few summers my older two took turns watching the youngest and a friend's teen watched her one day a week to give my kids a break. I never had to deal with daycare.

You said your children are 4 1/2 and 6.... so your 6 yr old is in school all day, right? Have you checked to see what is available after school in your system? You probably have only one year before your younger child goes to K. Is it all day where you are? If so, you really only have this year to deal with day care. Plus during the summer... do you have relatives nearby? Grandparents, siblings??? I was unfortunate in that as my parents were both deceased and my siblings are much older and we are not close so I really had no one other than a few friends. You might also consider summer school... in elementary school summer school is just fun cool stuff.... your kids would probably enjoy it.

My kids have handled in in various ways... my oldest, a boy, was not close to his dad. He has told me many times that he is glad we divorced and feels life was better after because that final year "we were all walking on egg shells hoping Dad would stay".... those are his words.... My youngest who was 7 when we separated really doesn't have much memory of her dad living here. So, the way it is is just how it has always been in a lot of ways. My middle one has had the hardest time. She was "daddy's little girl", closest to her dad and was 12 when we divorced. She told me just last week, "I just want you and dad to live together".... He has been remarried since 6 weeks after the divorce... she knows that is not going to happen, but still struggles with it.

<<<>>>

We did not move. My children and I are still in the home we had before. I was adamant about staying as it is in a great neighborhood (safe and watchful neighbors), very close to all three schools they have attended, close to stores I frequent, close to my job.... etc. Looking back now it might have been best to have made a change. I am not sure about that one. I know it has been difficult to set boundaries with my ex because we did live in this house together.... he still will come into my house almost like it is his. The upkeep is difficult.... big house, big yard lots of maintenance... but the only way to avoid that would be to rent and that brings other disadvantages....One thing I did and would recommend to others who wish to keep the house is to trade something else of value for the equity instead of having to buy the ex out....For instance my ex had a substantial 401 which we split 50/50.... He also had an IRA which had about 25K in it. We had about 40-50K in equity... He agreed to give me the equity if I gave him the IRA... worth it in my estimation....

He does not pay spousal support (maintenance)... it was one of only a few issues that made him "see red". In fact, he offered more CS instead of maintenance because he was opposed to giving me anything but wanted to provide for the kids. Now he complains that he can't deduct the CS on his taxes... he should have chosen the maintenance.....He was still feeling guilty about walking away so he was pretty generous with the CS... He has worked for the same company for 25 years and new wife has worked there almost as long... so they aren't going anywhere so I am assured of the CS. He did live on his own for 9 months while we were separated and paid rent, utilities, and everything he needed while paying his CS so it is possible. We don't live in a terribly expensive part of the country so that helps.

My pay is not great... even now working full time in the same office my salary plus the CS is only about 33% of what we lived on when he was here and we were a one income family. We have had to make some adjustments in our standard of living, but we are doing okay. I could probably find a better paying job, but it would mean a move... or less flexibility or more hours outside of work time.... and less benefits.... I can go to any/all of my kids school parties, events.... I work 8:00 to 4:30 and when I leave it is done... no outside responsibilities.... My insurance is very cheap and very good.... and I have 3 weeks sick leave and 3 weeks annual leave every year.... When you look for a job take all that into consideration.

<<<<>>>>>>

I was just like you... going back and forth.... I had always intended to be home with the kids... I was not able to do for my youngest what I had done for the older ones in teaching her as long at home... but I chose to look at the positives... at least I was there until she was 7... For you, you have been there during the most formative years... and sometimes there is nothing you can do about the changes other than to make the best of them... some things will have to go... I used to keep a spotless house... cook from scratch everything... ironed everything... etc... that has changed in order to keep my sanity. But one other thing that changed was my kids were relaxed and okay and they knew their friends were welcome anytime and that is what they will remember... so I am okay with it all now... I was very involved with my youngest the first few years of school.. I hand picked her teacher and she had the same teacher her first two years in a program called "looping".... she has thrived.. in fact they all have. My son is in his first year at a major university doing wonderfully... happy, content... all that I could have hoped or dreamed of for him. His relationship with his dad is mostly non-existent but that is the choice his dad and new wife have made it to be.... I can't change that.

<<<<<>>>>

Lack of sleep was something I fought for a long time. I would go to sleep and wake about 4 a.m. and not be able to go back to sleep... it finally changed... I also saw a dr. and got an antidepressant which helped me for quite awhile. I did some counseling, but honestly did not find it to be very helpful.... The counselor was good, but I just didn't feel it helped very much...

I don't know if any of this has hslped... I feel I have written a book... sorry if it is too much. If you have other questions, I will try to answer them. I don't feel like there is anything I won't answer as there were those who helped me and I want to give back to those who find themselves in that awful place..... feel free to email me if you want.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 10-15-2006 - 6:55pm
What a fantastic, detailed, supportive, honest, wonderful post! If I were an SAHM facing divorce, I would feel so much better after reading that. It's wonderful to see how far you and your children have come.

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