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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2006
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Tue, 01-09-2007 - 11:30pm
Hi everyone, I am new to this board, but not to ivill. I decided today that I am gettinga divorce after 8 years of a stormy marriage. I have 4 kids, 2 prev and 2 with my husband. I have been living wiwth verbal and emotional abuse for 90% of my marriage and with a rager. I feel so lonely now, and really guilty and I cant explain it. He raged on me last night and smashed a drinking glass less than 2 ft from my sleeping 5 year olds head, and it just did something to me, I just cannot allow this anymore. He is verbally abusive to all the kids but especially me and he doesnt care about the little eyes watching, he gets into rages and trys to intimidate me by screaming obscenities in my face, and throwing things. I have tried so hard over the years to protect my children but I think its gone too far. The weird thing is is that I kNOW this is over, but I feel sooooo guilty, and its the guilt that makes me the peacemaker. Although I must admit I have no intention of patching this up, I want him out of the house and I plan on entering therapy with my kids.I have so many fears , I know this is going to sound silly but I keep thinking about him moving on an dfinding someone else and its bugging me, so silly, so many insecurities I guess, any advice on trying to get thru this stage would be so helpful. Thank u.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
In reply to: yasmin310
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 11:42pm

Hi Yasmin - I am so sorry for what you are going through. Sadly though, I can relate. I would recommend that you visit the Dealing with domestic abuse/violence board as that is indeed what his behaviour is. The fact that you feel guilt and want to keep the peace are very normal.

Please pop on over there for some extra support as you go through this process.

((((((hugs))))))

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
Avatar for yasmin310
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2006
In reply to: yasmin310
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 11:52pm
Thank you rose, I have done that. You know my husband has never hit me, but I identify with all the women there and that verbal/emotional abuse is REAL. I hav erealized love is not enough to keep a unhealthy marriage alive, it only feeds the healthy marriages. Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
In reply to: yasmin310
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 12:12am
All the best yasmin - you desrve a happy, tension free life. You shouldn't have to worry about your children's safety around their own father. It is just wrong. You are right - love isn't always enough. In abusive situations it simply fuels the firey adrenaline for a controlling man. You and your children deserve so much more than this.
Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2007
In reply to: yasmin310
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 7:09am

Everyone is right. The children must come first here. You cannot allow them to live in that house full of unpredictability and tension. It's not doing anyone any favors and it's not healthy for any of you. I hope that both boards are able to help you through this.

This is rough. I had an abusive father (he died in my teens), and all I can do still to this day is wish that my mom would have had the strength to leave him. It's really horrible on those kids.

Good luck to you. Keep us updated.

S

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2007
In reply to: yasmin310
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 10:42am
I am so sorry yasmin - I cannot even begin to comprehend what you are going through. You should be so proud of yourself though for taking the steps to make your and your children's lives better. You are living in a very dangerous situation and you are going to need to stay strong. I'm sorry I don't have a lot of advice to give, except to proceed with a lot of caution. Your husband sounds dangerous and you need to keep your kids as well as yourself safe. You can do it though!
Avatar for yasmin310
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2006
In reply to: yasmin310
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 9:20pm
I just want to thank all of you for replying to my post and giving me words of comfort. The update is that I have asked him to move out asap, and have really stayed strong and constant although internally I want to buckle. He basically emailed me all day from work kind of explaining his behavior or I should say rationalizing it. I would have none of it and have made it very CLEAR that he HAS to leave or I am getting a restraining order against him asap. I am going out of town this weekend with the kids and expect him to be gone when I come back. I have to admit I am sad but hopeful. I have weathered alot thru this marriage and have learned so much, because of his ways I have learned to make it thru dark moments and see the light in the morning. I have alot of anger and resentment to work through, and I know I have to do it day by day, right now I am very angry, but have remained civil fo rmy children's wellbeing and overall peace in the home. I was always the one that smoothed things over when he raged, I rarely responded to his tantrums, because I didnt want to hurt th ekids, I used to load them up in the car and take "drives" play soothing music and come back with sleeping babies in my arms. This is how I coped and hoped he would regret his actions and he did. But regret is one thing, dedication to change is another, and I have decided his problems can no longer be my problems, and all the times I healed damage from his rages for my children, my wounds went unnoticed and I was dying slowly inside.
When it is time it is time and that is all, I see a new beginning for me and the children full of good times and peaceful days. That is my hope, despite it all I wish him the best, I have no grudge, I just want my life back. Yesterday I took it back.
Thanks again, I will keep all posted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2007
In reply to: yasmin310
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 10:11pm
I can relate exactly to how you feel. I just left my husband this past Saturday. I have taken 2 years of emotional abuse, manipulation, amongst many other things. He grabbed me on my face and pushed me up against the wall and proceded to call me vulgar names. I packed the car and drove 16 hours to my parents house to stay for the time being. But the problem isn't that I can't go on, the problem is that I think about him. Is he going to be ok? How is he going to cope? Will he do something stupid? I need to stop worring about him and take care of myself. But I am a caring and compassionate person, I look out for others. I guess this is the one time I should be selfish, and pamper myself and take care of me. We thankfully had no children. Take care and stay strong. Concentrate on yourself and your children, and try to get him out of your mind. I know it is not easy but we need to try. One foot in front of the other. May peace be with you.
Avatar for yasmin310
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2006
In reply to: yasmin310
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 11:29am
Thank you for your response, I am sorry to hear of your situation. I think you did the right thing by leaving, dont wait until you have little ones to escape with, it sso hard emotionally because children create ties to him. Keeping your mind off of all the little things is hard, but you know I really think its a mixture of guilt and insecurity, low self worth that makes our minds wander. For me my mind for some silly reason always fast forwards to stepmoms involved in my children's lives, but see that is an insecurity of mine. I am slowly releasing all this negative patterned thinking, and I am looking forward to a future without him. I have basically clarified that if he wants ANY interaction with me re the kids it has to be respectful or I am hanging up, wallking out whatever I hav eto do to remove myself from the situation. I have just taken every ounce of strength I have and channeled it into putting my foot down an dmaking myself stick to what I say even if I feel otherwise in a weak moment.
My husband for years manipulated me financially and played on my weakness', for example he knew how important it was for me to be a good mother to my children, snd how much I invested my time in them, putting my career on hold, my education on hold for them(I was a medical school hopeful) so when ever we had a situation he would withhold money from me, which limited my activities with my children. Or he would verbally attack the kids my yelling at them which he knew killed me, so he was a real piece of work. I am seeing all the damage in my mind like a movie an dKNOW I am better off without him.
I wish you all the best, I am sending caring thought sto comfort you while you ar ein the midst of this crisis, take care of yourself and evreytime you feel the guilt humble yourself and try thanking whatever higher power you believe in for the day you have made it thru, its amazing how gratitude can change your outlook. I swear it works.
Take care