New to board and sad

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
New to board and sad
5
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 10:42pm

Well, I am in the middle of my divorce and some days I can't wait for it to be over, and some days I wish he would never leave and we would just live together and forget this ever happened. My stbx has a severe gambling problem. I knew before we got married that he had a problem, but he went to gamblers anonymous (sp) and was fine for several years. We have a dd who is 19 months old and means the world to me. Ever since she was born he has been gambling worse than ever. Unfortunately, I did not find out about this until her first birthday party. He left to go to the OTB. This was in August. When everything came out, he promised to get help, blah blah blah. We tried to work on it w/therapy, etc. but he could never be honest. He wants his freedom to do what he wants. I finally filed for divorce in Feb. We have been still been living together and at times it is if nothing is happening between us. We have court tomorrow for temp custody, child support and alimony. He did not show up for the first court date-he overslept and blamed me for not waking him up. Now he just told me that he thought that court was today and can not make it tomorrow because he has an important meeting at work. When he told me this, I was furious. Work is more important than custody of his daughter. Of course he left to go watch the stupid basketball game and I am sitting here by myself sad again.
I am sorry this is so long, but it seems easier to just write it all out. Any idea on how to get over him when I still love him, but can't live with his life choices?

Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 2:43am
I once left a man I loved more than life itself (he was my one great, true love) because I knew he wasn't the one for me. I left him, it ripped my heart apart and I suffered for two years (two years of yearning for him so badly.) Today, I know I made the right decision. I am now married to a STBX with kids of my own. I cannot compare you leaving your husband even remotely to an old boyfriend (before I had kids) but I know one thing. If living with him will rock your boat and constantly put you and your child on shaky ground, it's not worth it. Unless you feel that there is something that is truly salvageable and you think you might make it work, then leave him. Because staying with him will leave you feeling more depleted than leaving him now. I hope things work out for you and your precious daughter.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2005
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 4:11am
Hugs!!!! I'm going through a similar situation.My divorce papers were filed few weeks ago & still living together.I was really sad & worried that I would never be able to get over my STBX.We don't have children but was a SAHW due to health related problems. I'm healthy enough to start working again but was really scared & didn't have confidence in myself to get my career started again.Just last week I was a mess thinking I still love him very much.As time passed I knew that eventhough I love him, I could not stay married to him.After I filed the papers when I doubted my decision,I kept reminding myself of how much pain he caused me & how miserable I was.I focus on the future & moving on.From your post it sounds like you did everything to make it work.Keep yourself busy & focus on how this will give your DD a better life.Remember it's ok to still love him,it's ok to be sad, it's ok to cry, and it's ok to ask your family & friends for help to deal with this.I promise in time it will get better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 11:22am

Any idea on how to get over him when I still love him, but can't live with his life choices?

One of the hardest things about still living with STBX is being in limbo - you're not together, but you're not apart yet. Once I realized my ex and I wouldn't be able to work things out, I started trying to separate myself from him because I knew I needed to learn how to be just me instead of thinking of myself as half of a couple. I started doing things myself that we would normally do together. I had a few friends I could visit to get out of the house, talk about how I was feeling, etc. I set the spare room up as my space. First I just slept in there, and then gradually I spent more time there when we were both home-reading, watching TV, etc. I basically tried to stop thinking of him as my husband and tried to treat him like a roommate. It wasn't great, but it was less painful than trying to live like a couple when we weren't one. After a few months we were able to live separately, and that made things much easier.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 8:41pm
things got much better for me after i moved out of the house. at first we were going to try to live together since i couldnt afford to live on my own.
i eventually swallowed my pride and moved in with a relative (short term).
after that it slowly got better.
im not going to lie it takes time but it WILL get better
:)
hugs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 10:15pm

Cj,

I know very little about gambling addiction but you are probably experiencing the same kind of challenges as the spouse of any addict. I did some quick research online and came up with a link for Gamblers Anonymous (www.gam-anon.org). There is a link for family and friends of gamblers. See if you can get connected with others who have a loved one who is addicted to gaming.

I'd also strongly encourage you to see a regular counselor for help coping with the issues surrounding your pending divorce. It's no fun regardless of how justified you feel in filing and there's no substitute for getting support.

Good luck to you.
Wisdomtooh