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| Thu, 10-19-2006 - 11:59am |
Hi Everyone,
I've been posting to BSSG for a few months now, and due to the direction my life is taking, I am looking for additional support, and shared experiences. Here's a brief version of my story:
My STBX and I have been married for over 14 years, together 16. We have a DD-12 and a
DS-10. I found out on Father's Day of this year that STBX has been having an affair for over a year. He travels frequently for business, met her (she lives in another state), and was able to hide it by extending business trips, etc. Prior to this A, our marriage was typical, we had our differences, but had a nice, comfortable family life. We had fun together, socialized with friends, attended our kids school and sports activities....for the kids, it had been a happy childhood up to this point.
Two days after I found out, he had a business trip that lasted for a few days, so we decided to take the break, and think about things. Upon returning, he basically told me he was not ready to give up this relationship (I later found out he saw her while he was away that week), so I promptly kicked him out of our home. I allowed him to stay one more night, so we could tell the kids. The progression of the last four months has been something like this: First few weeks, me leaving the door open for him to come back to us, but not until he cut off contact with OW. He finally did, he made a short-lived attempt, a couple sessions of counseling, we had some dinners together, discussions (him still living out of the house), and then by the end of August, he basically told me he couldn't do this anymore, he wasn't happy, it wasn't working for him. Bottom line, he wanted to go back to her. So, after about 8-10 weeks of a the wind being knocked out of me, I let him go (after calling him every name in the book). I couldn't do it anymore, I had made so many efforts to try to get him to see what he was doing to our family, to remind him of what we had....it was all for not, I was emotionally drained. He had checked out long ago.
We are in the process of filing for a divorce (in our state, we are working towards a dissolutionment of marriage). Presently, I am waiting for my attorney to finish drawing up some settlement options for me.
As you can imagin, I am dealing with many issues right now, and the BSSG has been incredibly wonderful and helpful. But, I have one nagging issue, I'm hoping to find some adivce through experience on this board. Our children were devasted when Dad moved out back at the end of June. He sees them frequently, and lives close by. They have somewhat adjusted over time, to this arrangement, but in their mind it is still temporary. STBX and I have known for weeks that our marriage is over, but I wasn't ready to tell them until I felt stronger myself. Well, the time has come. I can't bear the false hope they express any longer. We plan to tell them this weekend.
I know that the books and experts say not to give kids the gorey details, to make it a brief discussion, focusing on the end of the family unit as they know it, and not focusing on mom and dad's issues as to why. My daughter already has an some info she stumbled upon by accident early in the summer, and she knows dad had a "friend" that mom was uncomfortable with......but at that time, H had cut off contact, and I told DD that the friend was no longer in the picture back then.
My issue is about whether or not it's right to make this seem like it was a joint decision, when in fact it was not, when in fact this was about dad's choices and decisions to not be with mom anymore. I can't tell them what they really deserve to know, which is that dad has left our family to pursue another life.....but shouldn't he take responsibility in their eyes in some ways, for the choices he made? I know they will find out somehow, someday, probably sooner rather than later. Do I just let that unfold before their eyes, and deal with it as it happens......they are both entering
pre-teen years! Will they resent me for not telling me the truth up front, or respect me more for trying to protect them and preserve the relationship they have with their dad, even though ultimately he has to preserve that relationship? They will not understand this, they didn't see us argue before all this, we were what appeared to be a happy family. How will they perceive this? That when the going gets tough, parents just split up for no apparant reason, and that it was both our choices?? That simply isn't true! I fought like h--- to save my marriage these last few months, I want them to know that!!
I have been their rock, and they have been mine these last few months. I am very close to my children. I have been a SAHM for 10 years, only returning to work part-time for the past two years. STBX has always traveled in his job, my children know who holds this family together, I know that, but I also want them to know this wasn't mom's choice, to be a divorced family. STBX and I have already decided that I will have sole custody, we will work out a co-parenting plan.
There is so much more to my story, and I apologize for the length of this post, but I would love to hear from others who have had to face similar circumstances. Thanks.
Tis

"your dad and I can no longer live together. He loves you both very much, as do I. You will still see your dad as often as you all wish." That's what I would say (and did say to my kids). They don't need any details "your dad had an affair". They will learn that in their own time. Kids are smart-they may already know but just don't verbalize it.
(((HUGE hugs))))
I know this is a hard step for you. Take things one day at a time. grieve. Cry. Scream. But remember--YOU are worth more. YOU deserve better and in time, you WILL BE BETTER!
Deb
My sons knew from the beginning that I was leaving because of their father's infidelity, heck the older one suspected his father was cheating before I did! But now that he's 18 he has said that he isn't sure whether he'd rather have not known. He says that if we had given him some "we just grew apart "excuse he would have been very angry at being lied to when he eventually found out. But the pain he felt knowing his father could betray us (yes, he felt betrayed as well) like that and the disgust he felt about who it was with (the boys knew the OW, didn't like her before the A, and find her repulsive looking), that he feels he'd rather have known later. Unlike your STBX, my X was not a very involved father, S18 has no relationship with him now for a multitude of reasons.
My BF still struggles with this. His daughters do not know that their parents divorce was due to Mom's A. She has them believing it is mostly dad's fault because all they have seen is his anger. She plays the victim. If he were to tell them now, they very likely would see it as trying to turn them against her and it would backfire on him.
If your kids seem to be struggling, counseling works wonders.
Hi Tis...
I never told my kids anything other than "mommy and daddy are happier when we don't live in the same house any more.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~