New To Board (& to Divorce)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2007
New To Board (& to Divorce)
6
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 2:57pm

My name is Chris, I'm 37 and am blessed with a 7-year-old daughter.

My husband of 14 years is divorcing me.

Intellectually, I know this divorce is the right thing for both of us. We've had so little genuine happiness, given each other so little comfort or joy over the life of our marriage – especially the past several years. We have little in common anymore, save our daughter, and find ourselves struggling even for the most banal of dinner conversation when we're alone together. Physical touch has failed to inflame passion between us for such a very long time, since very early in our marriage actually. Neither he nor I, can name a friend or family member that believes we should be together or isn't surprised that we managed to make it this long. A year ago I was ready to divorce, but never broached the subject, remaining committed to my marriage, though unfulfilled by it. I've suffered from depression and weight issues for the majority of our 14 years together, and these two issues have robbed me of the ability to enjoy my marriage as I'd hoped...and for my husband to do so as well.

His request for a divorce struck me as lightning to my very core, though it shouldn't have come as a surprise. It's just that when that core was revealed, I was surprised to find two things: the woman I used to be; and a small reservoir of that incredible, burning, passionate, crazy love for which we married in the first place. Why is it now that I must rediscover my love for him? And discover I could have all along been the woman both he and I could love?

I asked if we might give it one more try. He says not enough emotion remains on his part to do so.

I hurt so badly, I am so terribly sad, and I mourn for what could have been.

Words of wisdom?

Chris

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 7:29pm

No words of wisdom, I'm afraid, just a cyber hug of empathy. I'm in almost the same boat except I'm the one who wants out and he's more reluctant (not b/c he's so in love with me but because of the kids).

My parents both died way early, though, in my young adulthood, and were sick before for years, and one thing that I learned early is that it really is true that this, too, shall pass. I just keep remembering that at the end of the day, when I'm 70 years old looking back, will I have wanted to have spent the previous 3 decades with someone who is no longer a comfortable companion? And I really really want my kids not to model our relationship - better to see happily (or at least reasonably content) parents living their own separate lives and loving them to death from different houses.

Feel for you.
Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 9:28am

Chris...

As difficult as it is for most of us to admit THINGS ARE OVER...reality has to 'set in' sooner or later. After 2 divorces and a nasty FWB relationship, Pianoguy knows this first hand!

Sometimes it's hard to admit that you did your best to keep your marriage intact, but despite your best efforts...things WEREN'T going to improve!

So here's PG's cents:

YOU DID YOUR BEST, BUT IT TAKES 2 PEOPLE TO FORM A LOVING COUPLE!

You've also got a daughter who will be faced with the choice of marriage or singleness in her future. So it's your job to "guide her wisely...without bias...or comparisons to the unhappy marriage you were in!"

Best wishes and warm thoughts..

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2007
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 10:45am

Hi Chris,

I am sorry you are hurting and its never easy. I am going through a similar thing. My husband of 4 years has just left me for really stupid reasons that only a man could think of! I too was hurting really bad and I never thought that I would cope with it. I have my days when it hits me that I will never see him again but in the 2 weeks since the split, I have already lost 11lbs, starting loads of evening classes like Boxercise, aerobics, I have started guitar lessons and I am thinking of learning a new language.

My point is is that you cannot look behind you anymore. Look forward and find the person that you say has been missing. Once you find yourself and love yourself can you really be true to yourself.

Start doing stuff for yourself - lose any weight that has been bothering you, go out with girlfriends and just laugh, change your look, make yourself feel fantastic. From the sound of your letter, your husband still loves you so who knows, maybe once you become that gorgeous, confident person he will realise what he has missed!!

Chin up girl and remember to laugh even if you don't think you can!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2007
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 10:48am

Chris,

I can tell you are an amazing woman! I'm sure the emotional abandonment has robbed you of your self esteem, please mourn the loss and continue to move onward. Who were you before you met your husband, what were your interests? They are still there, in your core, reach down and grab them! Be a role model for your daughter on embracing all that life has to give. I too went through a similar situation, it took me a good year to realize that people actually were interested in what I had to say and contribute. I look forward to your new beginning and the new men that will adore you for who you are!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2007
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 4:54pm

I feel for you. My marriage was also not picture perfect, my husband of 10 years just told me he was no longer in love with me and wants a divorce. I am confidant he is cheating. This was 3 weeks ago. Wehave a 4yr old & a 15month - both boys.

I try to no focus on what I could have done. What I should have done. There are alot- and if I let it get to me the overwhelming quilt will kill me. Truth is we BOTH should of done things different & could of- just like you & your husband.
It's not all your fault- there are 2 people in every relationship.

I cannot get him to try counseling either- he says there is no reason.
I too am very depressed and hurt. Be strong..

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2007
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 8:17pm

Don't give up. Since it took talk of divorce to get you to realize your passion and love for him and to rediscover the woman you used to be maybe he needs time to appreciate the change in you. Don't give in to your depression and sadness. Let yourself feel those good feelings so that you can change things about yourself that make you unhappy. Seek therapy so that you can deal with the depression.

If your marriage still comes to an end then maybe it is for the best. You have to trust though, that you will find happiness if you allow yourself to be happy. Best wishes.