new to board -- hard time accepting this
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 07-24-2007 - 9:26am |
Hi,
this is my first visit to the board. I've been married for four years, and I have 2 children -- a one-year-old girl and three-year-old boy. For the last 4-5 months my husband has seemed unhappy, but I didn't realize the extent of it until I learned 3 weeks ago that he was having an affair.
The last few weeks have been so tumultuous. At first he wanted to go to couples counseling, but when we were there he said he was ambivalent about whether or not he wanted to try to save the marriage. He wouldn't commit to stop seeing her. But he wanted to continue living in the house and he would do things that were couple-like -- kiss me hello or goodbye, call me at work several times a day to chat, etc.
He seems to blame me for our problems and is so angry with me. Lately, he doesn't want to fix things at all. And when he's upset with me he does hurtful things like allow his mistress to go out for pizza with him and the kids.
This weekend he started looking for apartments, took off his wedding ring, and let me know he's talked to an attorney. I can see that he's done in this marriage -- but I'm having such a hard time accepting it.
I feel tossed aside. I feel like he never gave us a chance to work on things, and I feel shocked and sad. I keep telling myself to accept this -- he doesn't want to be with me. But it hurts so much and every time I see him I find myself hoping he'll change his mind. That makes me feel so pathetic.
How can I learn to accept this?

Oh my gosh, honey! Three weeks is no time at all to get used to this! This is a nightmare. To get through it ... gotta go through it ... and it takes months to deal with the *betrayal*! He betrayed you, BIG time! And your kids!
I am sorry, I am not helping you feel better. But, you have a right to some very heavy duty feelings right now.
He is behaving like a turd!
Get a lawyer, gather all financial docs, get a therapist for yourself to start talking things through. Start reading about kids and divorce ("Helping your children cope with divorce" and "The truth about children and divorce" are two good books).
Many separation agreements, btw, preclude the OW being intro'd to the children for a loooong time and preclude any exposure to overnight visits with the OW. I would tell him he is an immoral **** and he must stop exposing his children to the OW, now. No more pizza dinners with her, for God's sake.
Get a lawyer so you have legal support and so you can file for divorce based on adultery!!! You will still have all these feelings, but you will be taking action to protect yourself and your children.
Go get 'em girl!
M
I found that it was helpful to concentrate on what I had to do to take back my power and control over my own life. Decide for yourself that you do not want this man, he is lying, deceitful, and has no moral compass. YOU want out, you cannot continue a marriage with someone of his character. Protect your children by getting an order keeping OW away from the kids. If he's got an apartment, wonderful. Getting the other person to leave is often the hard part. Change the locks. Talk to an attorney and get a temporary order of support, and designation of the living circumstances so he doesn't come back in a couple of months when things with the OW don't work out as well as he anticipates. Protect yourself financially.
An attorney in your state will be best suited to advise you how best to protect yourself and your children. The time to consult one is TODAY.
Cat
Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7