New to this board, not so new...

Avatar for babs25
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
New to this board, not so new...
8
Sat, 03-26-2005 - 8:13pm

to iVillage and the boards. I recently separated from my husband of 4 years, and it has been really really hard. We had been in trouble for about 1 1/2 years, and now that it's over, I am having a hard time dealing with it. I really loved him and wanted to work things out, but he had had enough and wanted out. To make things even worse, he has started seeing someone else already and it's blown me away. I don't think I've ever hurt so much in my life.

We had been together for over 11 years, and though there were downs, we did have some really great ups. He just could never accept my 3 children, although he has one that was more trouble than all 3 of mine. Anyway, now that it's over, he is acting like he doesn't really care and that hurts too. I don't know how to talk to him, and I really have a hard time seeing him, for any reason.

I am planning on moving out of state by the end of the year, getting a fresh start, and a new perspective on life, it's just not happening fast enough for me. Sometimes I want this to just be over with, and other times I wish I could talk him in to another try. Oh, and this isn't my first marriage/divorce, it's my third, but it's really hurting more than either of the first 2. I believed that he was the one and now...what?

I look forward to meeting everyone, and getting your ideas, and so on, about this, even just a "shoulder" to lean on from someone going through the same thing.

Barbara

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Sat, 03-26-2005 - 8:18pm
hi barbara
welcome to the board
sorry this is short i have to get to work in 5 minutes
i will write you a bit more tomorrow
but i just wanted to say i understand
i separated from ym husband a couple years ago when we had been married 4 years
it was my only marriage and divorce, so i cant relate to your story in that way, but i can imagine that if anything it would be harder to be divorced again.
im really sorry youre going through this
sometimes it helps just to vent a little bit, i know for me it really did, i would post something here and then feel better.
so keep us posted
lotsa hugs to you
Avatar for babs25
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Sun, 03-27-2005 - 9:49am

Thanks, I understand your rush. I have friends that I can talk to, but unfortunately, they are married to my husbands best friends, so it makes it hard to really let loose with them. Don't get me wrong, they are MY friends, but they are also friends with him, and it puts them too much in the middle, so I am trying not to talk about it with them alot, which makes it harder on me. That is why I came here, to find people who are going through the same thing, and just vent. Even though this is my third it is also my hardest one. I feel like my heart has been ripped out, cheesey as it sounds, that's how it feels. I need to get over it, get on with my life, and I have plans to do that. I am going to be moving out of state, to make a fresh new start where I don't have to worry about running in to him all the time, cuz that hurts!

Ok, I have lots to do right now, it's Easter Sunday, and family is coming for dinner around 1:00. Oh, I forgot to mention, we did not have kids together, his is from his first marriage, and mine from my first and second.

Thanks
Babs

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Sun, 03-27-2005 - 7:20pm
im really sorry that youre going through this! like i said i think it would be harder the third time. i feel like i have grown up a lot since i got married and divorced, so i feel like if i got remarried it would be for sure. which of course its NOT!
it never is a sure thing. but i feel like it would be because i feel like i know more, so i imagine you may have felt that way too. so the shock would be huge.
dont rush yourself thinking you need to move on with your life. i mean you do, but dont put so much pressure on yourself!
it must be hard too that your friends are his also. this really is a good place to meet people. ive started to think of a lot of people ive met on here as friends, im sure you will too. and it does feel really good to vent to someone! and to me theres something really great about venting and hearing back from people who actually understand what you are going through.
so keep us posted!
how was easter?
:)
Avatar for babs25
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Sun, 03-27-2005 - 8:07pm

I thought I knew, but I didn't cuz it was so different with STBX. He was so different from my first 2, and besides I was older and thought I was ready for this...guess I was wrong. I have talked to my best friend, let her know that I am sorry for putting her in such a difficult position, and I would try not to in the future. She is very understanding, but it is affecting her physical being right now, making her stomach feel like knots because of the stress...so I want don't want to cause her anymore stress right now, that's the last thing I need to worry about. Besides, from what she has said, he is doing it even worse than me... asking stuff that he didn't need to be asking her about me. I told her to tell him to stop asking her, and ask me if he needs to know. It's not her place to tell him anything, but he knows that I talk to her so he thinks it's okay to ask her. Anyway, I am going to make it my business to keep her out of it for a few, just until she can feel better. And, I am going to tell STBX to leave her alone, and stop asking about me and what I tell her, if you want to know, ask me, otherwise leave it alone. He has been pressuring me enough as it is, wanting me to sign a separation agreement, that isn't even a legal document until we are divorced...so I don't understand his urgency. I am pretty pissed off at him anyway, for acting like I am old news and treating me like crap...I want to smack him sometimes, just to get him to realize how he is behaving, since he has his replacement for me already, 12 years his junior. Oh I haven't even begun to rant, I just don't have anymore time right now.. I have to get ready for work soon, and my daughter wants to use the computer.

Easter was good, we had about 15 people here, and it was fun. How was your day?

Barbara

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Sun, 03-27-2005 - 8:21pm

well i give you a whole lot of credit for taking the high road and trying to keep your friend out of it! and im sure its hard for you to do, but you should be pretty proud of yourself for it.
my day was pretty good. i dont celebrate easter but i know some people who do and we enjoyed much chocolate mmmmmm. im actually a bit woozy from all the sugar!

and as far as ranting, well, when you feel like it you know where to do it!
im not sure i understand the point of the separation agreement. my state has them too, but i didnt understand why or what would be the reason for them.
hows your daughter doing with it all? just out of curiousity do you feel its harder with children when you get divorced? i would imagine it must be.
:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 12:11am
Im sorry you are hurting so badly. Its so hard. But you have 3 wonderful kiddos, right? & you haev YOU! (((HUGS))) you will be ok.

R~

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Avatar for babs25
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 5:56pm

I just couldn't allow myself to put her through what I am going through, especially since it's making her ill. I wish I could say about my STBX. From what I understand, he has no problem asking her about me or telling her stuff that puts her in the middle. He has is new friend, and has tried to introduce her to "our" friends, but from what I get, it's not working like he hoped it would. As a matter of fact, his friends, the guys, are pretty fed up with the way he has made himself scarce and only want to hang out when he wants to. My one true enjoyment in life, is watching NASCAR, and my 2 girlfriends and their husbands are as big in to it as I am...my STBX was never a big fan. So when he calls to come over to watch the race on Sunday with them, I know that he is doing it to get back at me for whatever reason. I have told them in no uncertain terms, NASCAR Sunday is my day with them and I expect to have that open. LOL!!

Anyway, I am getting aggrivated with him acting the way that he is. Wanting out of our marriage, but still putting his nose in to my business. He wants to have a talk this week and when we do, I am going to let him know that he has to stop being concerned, and live his life, not mine.

Barbara

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 5:27pm
good for you. he has no right to want out of the picture but still be trying to manipulate you!
:)
lol i know how you feel about nascar. except for me its football. i actually think if i ever have a child i will plan the pregnancy around football season