New to Board - Separating Soon...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2008
New to Board - Separating Soon...
7
Sun, 07-20-2008 - 5:19pm

I could really use support from those who have gone thru or are going thru separation/divorce.

My story... I'm 43, married 16 years, 3 kids 13, 11, 5. My husband started out in the marriage as the breadwinner but very soon I could see that his drive and ambition was
extremely low. He had his own business and he was letting it fall apart because he
would rather sleep in, go work out, go to movies during the day, etc. I started my
own business to chip in on the income. Over the years my business was thriving as his
was almost dead. When we were expecting our 3rd child we decided it would be best for
him to stay home with the kids so I could dedicate 100% to my business. He is a good dad
and I thought that maybe THIS would be his niche'. Our youngest is 5 now and my husband
still has no drive or ambition to even do the job he has at home. He plays computer games, watches TV, naps, does his workouts and does not guide the kids during the day to what they should be doing, homework, showers, etc or participate in activities with them. All is left up to me when I get home after running my own company all day.

In addition he is passive aggressive, grouchy, doesn't brush his teeth, doesn't shower regularly. When we did have intimate times I would insist he shower first and he would be irritated I "broke the mood" by asking such a thing. He was stinky! When we did make love he was a passive lover. Laying on his back expecting me to do everything. No love, no hugs, no kisses. We have been in separate bedrooms now for over a year.

Sooooo, I'm done. I pay our mortgage and support the entire family in a very nice lifestyle. I am not in love with him anymore. I do love him, as he is part of my family, father of my children etc. But I can not imagine living the rest of my life like this. We discussed it and had our talks, been to counseling, etc. But I'm just done. I have a very long fuse but when I'm done, I'm done.

So my biggest fear is telling my children, and making that big move to actually separate and proceed with a divorce as smoothly as possible. Because he has been the one home with them the last 5 years, they have a strong bond. He does love his kids... he is just a lazy lump. But this is not the role model I want for my daughters or son. This is not OK.

I am sure my husband suspects his days are numbered. It's just so scary. I have no divorce in my family so I suspect my parents will be crushed. To the outside world my husband is "the greatest guy". But not in my world.

How do you start making that first step, it seems to be the hardest.

Wendy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2008
Sun, 07-20-2008 - 7:17pm

Hi Wendy,


Your story is very similiar to mine, except I have the added burden of trying to figure out how I am going to support myself and kids. I am 40 years old and been married for 18 years. I have three kids, 17, 12, and 9. My husband had a business that he started with my inheritence and lost it all due to a drug and alcohol problem. We have been struggling to keep our home and pay bills ever since.


I started to go to school for my bachelor's degree in Health Aministration, but I still have 2 years before I graduate. I have tried to keep my family together but I cannot seem to let go of the resentment I have towards him. Until the loss of our business my husband was also dubbed "the greatest husband and father in the world". I never had a chance, so I walked around for years with my head in the sand. I am ready to move on, but scared to death at the same time. I find myself with an array of emotions from being happy, sad, scared, excited all within a few hours.


Coming from a divorced family myself, I am worried for my kids. We have not told them anything yet, but we know we have to talk to them soon. I dont want to break their hearts and I know it will. This is something I have to do because I cannot go on living like this anymore. They deserve a mom that is strong and happy. These next few months or years are going to hard, but I know we will be just fine.


Evelyn


P.S. Maybe you should take your kids to Maui!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2008
Sun, 07-20-2008 - 9:54pm

Hi Evelyn

Yes, the resentment is something that has really been an issue for me too.

Good for you for taking charge of what you need to do. I think if you have a plan
in place, it makes getting through each day easier.

I too think it will be a life changing moment for the kids, but deep down I also feel
that they can sense I'm not happy. I want to be a role model for my girls, who are the oldest, and they need to understand it's not OK to be taken advantage of and carry
the burden of taking care of the family while giving a free ride. I have a really
strong work ethic, the opposite of my husband. I think its a strong lesson for them.

We'll just take it one day at a time.

Oh, and I do take my kids to Hawaii :) ....and my lump of a husband tags along too... sigh...

Wendy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2008
Sun, 07-20-2008 - 10:33pm

Thanks for making me laugh (your last line)!


Take Care

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2008
Tue, 07-22-2008 - 10:41pm

I'm new here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2008
Thu, 07-24-2008 - 1:50pm

I'm new to the board, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 07-30-2008 - 11:17pm

Hi Wendy!


The first thing I suggest is that you talk to an attorney about the facts of your situation and get some guidance about what your rights and responsibilities are.


I hear what you're saying.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2008
Wed, 07-30-2008 - 11:35pm

This board is awesome! Thanks so much for all the support. It makes such a difference knowing there are others out there going thru this too.

I am going to consult with an attorney before I make a move. I feel really good with my decision and I believe it's the right thing to do.

I can't wait to start my new life!

I'll keep ya posted!

Take care,
Wendy