new to board..needs some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2012
new to board..needs some advice
Tue, 01-17-2012 - 12:12pm

I'm 27 and have been married for almost 9 years. My husband and I have been together for 12 years, since I was 15, he was 17. We have 3 children together. We got married when I was just 18. We started having problems just a year after being married and I was pregnant with our second child and I always felt guilty about leaving him. I havent been truly happy for quite some time. He chooses to not have friends and doesnt really talk to his family. He always tells me I'm his life and that he doesnt need anyone else. I do not think we are good as a couple. We always argue about stuff and even when we go out to dinner we have absolutely nothing to say to eachother. Anytime we do talk is about the kids. We really do not have any of the same interests.I think one of the main reasons we are still together is because we are comfortable because we have been together for so long. My husband's mother thinks we have to stay together and work it out becasue we have kids together and now my husband is saying that he believes the kids should have both parents in the house. I'm currently a SAHM but I want to be able to do my own things and have my own life. Bottom line is neither one of us really love eachother the way we used too but he won't admit it. He makes me look bad and feel guilty because I have told him we are not good as a couple anymore. He is not the best husband, often ignoring me for video games or sleeping. I know I do not love him in that way anymore but I feel so guilty because he is the father of my children and I dont want to make things bad for them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Wed, 01-18-2012 - 1:27pm

I know it sounds like a cliche but get into counseling. You maried really young and now have kids involved. The kids know when their parents aren't happy and it will have a negative effect on them.

We started off with marriage counseling to try and save our marriage, then when I left, we went back to the same counselor and saw him again a few times. The goal was npo longer to save the marriage but to work through the divorce instead, and since the counselor know our issues, he was able to help.

Even if your future ex :smileyhappy:

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Wed, 01-18-2012 - 9:51pm

I agree you need to see a couples counselor. If he won't go with you, then you go on your own. You need tools to cope with his "stuckness" and to see the possibilities.

For starters, I'll tell you that no spouse can fulfill every need of the other spouse. It's not possible for a wife or husband to "be all" for the other person. The individual has to grow and develop themselves to maintain a happy life.

So here's my two cents:

1)Do get counseling. It's important to get some objective, professional eyes on your marriage if for no other reason than to get your husband to understand that you've got to do something about your lives.

2)Stop waiting around for your husband to grow up and take responsibility for his role in the marriage and himself. If you want to develop yourself, then do so. Go to school, learn a new skill, take up a new hobby, exercise, whatever. It's important you take care of yourself so you don't stagnate any further. Your kids are growing up and one day will leave home and you'll have to be ready to be your own person. Now is as good a time as any to get started on growing yourself.

I do encourage you to work on the marriage. Your husband may not want to change anything but change is inevidable.