the new couple

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2007
the new couple
6
Sun, 05-13-2007 - 9:11pm
Today is Mothers day. It has been a difficult day. After a 30 year marriage it has bee a little over two months since we have been apart. It has been extremely difficult and I am being treated for depression. He moved on two days after we seperated. Today I saw him with his new relationship.
It is difficult to understand that someone who wanted to be free and discover a new life has already gotten himself into a steady monogamus relationship. He just cast me aside like a piece of trash. Thirty years and it seems like he has been able to just forget about me and all the good experiences, It is a horrible feeling and I a wondering if those of you who have experienced this can advise me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sun, 05-13-2007 - 9:46pm

Hi Sally,


Glad you found us here on Surviving Divorce. I hope you find this place helpful. Feel free to vent and seek advice.


I am sorry your marriage ended in divorce. None of us who have experienced divorce planned on finding ourselves in this place. Believe me, we've all said, "What happened!?" It's a unique experience for each person and I'd like to start by saying give yourself credit for the hard work and effort you put into your marriage for 3 decades. It takes courage and work to keep things together.


It takes courage and work to be on your own, too.


I suspect your husband found his "freedom" disconcerting. Gee, not so neat to be out on his own again after so long, and he sought a new girlfriend right away because being part of a couple is familiar and comfortable. He's probably also running away from his own pain and grief (yes, even the ones who leave discover the other side of the fence isn't so green after all). Some will try to reunite with the ex-spouse, others get girlfriends, etc.


Chances are your ex and his girlfriend won't last. Then, he'll have another heartbreak to deal with on top of the divorce. That's not real smart and it will set him back on his heels. Be the smart one here and watch what happens. Your own healing and grief will take their own time and you will find yourself again. I highly encourage you to find a divorce support group or counselor who can help you be yourself again. This process isn't quick or painless, but i'm betting a year from now you'll be a stronger individual than you know.


Stay in touch and let us know how you are doing.


Blessings,

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
Sun, 05-13-2007 - 9:57pm

It is hard to see the spouses we love(d) move on so quickly. The way I deal is focusing on me and my life. I cannot control what he does or who he does it with. I can control the amount of time I spend on it.

There is no explanation that would make me feel better about the choices my stbx is making or has made recently. So I try not to spend too much time thinking about them. (easier said than done, at times).

Treat yourself as you deserve to be treated. For me it can be as simple as spending a few dollars on fresh flowers or making time to enjoy a quiet cup of tea at the end of a long day with my kids.

The saying about time healing wounds is true. Give yourself the time to build the life you want to have.

Keep posting here. You'll find people who share your experiences and will empathize in the hard times and celebrate the good ones.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 6:47am

Hi Sally,

I was married 27 years before it ended and it didn't take long for my x to find someone else. At first it bothered me that I could be replaced so quickly, but not for long. I realized no matter who is in his life, he can't take those 27 years of memories away. I'm blessed with two lovely children from that marriage and am thankful for that.

Give yourself time to heal and this change in your life will make you stronger. I can truthfully say that he did me a favor. It took a while, but I am at peace and love my life now. There is no drama an I have the opportunity to think of me rather than everything being about him. Actually that's the catch that will get you to move on. One day you are going to wake up and go through the whole day without a thought about him and what he is doing in his life. Then you will realize, you no longer care because you have created a new life for yourself.

Hang in there!

Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2007
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 3:08pm
Hi Terry,
You sound like the person I want to be. Once I get over this anger I hope that the lightat the end of the tunnel will be brighter .
I resent that I am an emotional mess while he is happy playing house and acting like 30 years never existed.
I will keep trying to focus on the positive and my new future.
Thanks
Sally
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2007
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 8:34pm

Sally,

I too can relate to your pain. We were married for 17 yrs., together for 21 yrs. It's just been 7 mos. since our divorce and I am an emotional wreck everyday! This is only the second day I got on this message board, but already I feel like I found a great place to be.

I don't know how my x can move on so quickly either, he is also dating someone. I was reading the postings for your message and boy do I hope I can find that strength these women seem to have found. I guess we must just go on and hope we can find it in ourselves to be strong. You take care and keep coming back here. I think they know something that can be of help to us!

Sharfo

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 12:27pm

Trust me Sally. This next year is going to be hard. It's even going to get harder when you start the divorce process. They not only want a new life, but they feel they are entitled to everything you built together.

Get a good lawyer. You need one because it is going to be hard for you to think straight for a while.

Hang in there, there is a rainbow.

Terry