New to Dating - after 10 yrs of marriage
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 05-13-2007 - 9:16pm |
Hi all....
I am glad to find this board. I am SO confused right now.
A little background on me. I left my marriage in December of 06, after 10 yrs. The reason was a deal breaker. My husband led me on for all of our marriage - said we will have children. I married him at 22, now 33. He kept saying things like - when you are a little older, when we have more money in the bank, etc. You get the idea. Well, this past autumn I started getting fed up - I was old enough and we were financially secure. He finally told me in no uncertain terms that there will never be any children. He doesn't want them - ever. I have never felt so deceived in my life. He kept promising we would if "x" happened - and then he dropped the bomb. Well, that was my deal breaker - and I left him. We are in the process of divorce - and it should be over soon.
Now... my confusion. I had two relationships before my husband. They were both longterm. I want to get out there and start dating - but I don't know how! I like this one guy at work and he likes me - but I am so confused about the "rules". Do I ask him to go out on a date? Do I call? Wait for him to call? I feel like a kid in high school! I don't want to be pushy - I can be a very dominant person. He has started using pet names for me - I guess that is a good sign. I just don't know how to proceed- do I sit back and let him pursue me or do I go for it? Yikes... I feel silly asking this!!!! I am a grown woman, I should know this stuff. So - all you fabulous women out there - WHAT DO I DO?
Thanks so much
Laura

Hi Tulin,
Welcome to the board.
My first advice is WHOA NELLY! Slow down! Whew! You're not yet divorced and you're already worried about dating. :)
I think I know why. Your frustration over not having a family with your first husband is grating. I understand how you would feel betrayed and how selfish he was not to be honest with you in the first place.
That said, I encourage you to sit back a little and think this through. First, you are still dealing with being separated from your husband. Then, you have the matter of finalizing a divorce. Those two things alone take a huge toll on a person and it takes time to grieve those losses. Second, you can probably hear your biological clock ticking like Big Ben in your head. You have competing priorities and a lot of stress.
I say slow down because I wouldn't want you to find yourself in another heartbreak relationship because you want a family. One of the biggest mistakes divorcing/ed people make is rushing head long into a new relationship - for whatever reason - and then finding themselves heartbroken again. That's pain on top of pain, and it's even tougher to recover.
Whether you know it or not, you're wounded. There's a lot of people out there who will take advantage of a wounded person. There's a population of people out there who look for wounded individuals, like you, to prey upon. In this case, I'm bluntly referring to men who are seeking sex. Don't be fooled for one minute into thinking their only interested in "helping" you or "being your friend." Like sharks who smell blood in the water, these individuals seek those in distress and feed upon them.
I strongly encourage you to find a divorce support group, and/or a counselor to help you through this phase of the divorce. Get an objective opinion on your feelings and recognize your strengths. I know how important it is to have children, but make sure you're not just acting out of desparation. You may find yourself in a far worse situation if you "leap" before you look.
Take care and keep us posted. :)
Blessings,
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Thank you very much for this sound advice. I have already experienced the guys hounding me with intentions of just sex. I steer clear of that! I have been seeing a therapist and she has helped. I am just wondering if I want to date because I "want" to - or if I am just trying to fill a hole... I need to figure that one out.
Ironically enough - I don't want children right now. I cannot even fathom it! And I do so love living alone. I definitely don't want to rush into a relationship. :-) Casual dating - yes... making new friends... yes.
Thanks again.......
Laura